Vitarum auctio

Heraclitus What about yonder grubby Pontian[*](See Diogenes in Notes.)?

Zeus Yes, he will do.

Heraclitus You there with the wallet and cloak; come along, walk round the room. Lot No.2, A most sturdy and valiant creed, free-born. What offers?

Second Dealer Hullo, Mr. Auctioneer, are you going to sell a free man?

Heraclitus That was the idea

Second Dealer Take care, he may have you up for kidnapping. This might be matter for the Areopagus.

Heraclitus Oh, he would as soon be sold as not. He feels just as free as ever.

Second Dealer But what is one to do with such a dirty fellow? He is a pitiable sight. One might put him to dig perhaps, or to carry water.

Heraclitus That he can do and more. Set him to guard your house, and you will find him better than any watch-dog.— They call him Dog for short.

Second Dealer Where does he come from? and what is his method?

Heraclitus He can best tell you that himself.

Second Dealer I don’t like his looks. He will probably snarl if I go near him, or take a snap at me, for all I know. See how he lifts his stick, and scowls; an awkward-looking customer!

Heraclitus Don’t be afraid. He is quite tame.

Second Dealer Tell me, good fellow, where do you come from?

Diogenes Everywhere.

Second Dealer What does that mean?

Diogenes It means that I am a citizen of the world.

Second Dealer And your model?

Diogenes Heracles.

Second Dealer Then why no lion’s-skin? You have the orthodox club.

Diogenes My cloak is my lion’s-skin. Like Heracles, I live in a state of warfare, and my enemy is Pleasure; but unlike him I am a volunteer. My purpose is to purify humanity.

Second Dealer A noble purpose. Now what do I understand to be your strong subject?. What is your profession?

Diogenes The liberation of humanity, and the treatment of the” passions, In short, I am the prophet of Truth and Candour.

Second D. Well, prophet; and if I buy you, how shall you handle my case?

Diogenes I shall commence operations by stripping off your superfluities, putting you into fustian, and leaving you closeted with Necessity. Then I shall give you a course of hard labour. You will sleep on the ground, drink water, and fill your belly as best you can, Have you money? ‘Take my advice and throw it into the sea. With wife and children and country you will not concern yourself; there will be no more of that nonsense. You will exchange your present home for a sepulchre, a ruin, or a tub. What with lupines and close-written tomes, your knapsack will never be empty; and you will vote yourself happier than any king. Nor will you esteem it any inconvenience, if a flogging or a turn of the rack should fall to your lot.

Second Dealer How! Am I a tortoise, a lobster, that I should be flogged and feel it not?

Diogenes You will take your cue from Hippolytus; mutatis mutandis.

Second Dealer How so?

Diogenes ‘The heart may burn, the tongue knows nought thereof’[*](Hippolytus (in Euripides’s play of that name) is reproached with having broken an oath, and thus defends himself; ‘The tongue hath sworn: the heart knew nonght thereof.’)

Second D, Oh, vile creed! Monstrous creed! Avaunt!

Diogenes But look you, it is all so easy; it is within every man’s reach. No education is necessary, no nonsensical argumentation. I offer you a short cut to Glory. You may be the merest clown—cobbler, fishmonger, carpenter, money-changer; yet there is nothing to prevent your becoming famous. Given brass and boldness, you have only to learn to wag your tongue with dexterity.

Second Dealer All this is of no use to me. But I might make a sailor or a gardener of you at a pinch; that is, if you are to be had cheap. Three-pence is the most I can give.

Heraclitus He is yours, to have and to hold. And good riddance to the brawling foul-mouthed bully. He is a slanderer by wholesale.

Zeus Now for the Cyrenaic, the crowned and purple-robed.

Heraclitus Attend please, gentlemen all. A most valuable article, this, and calls for a long purse.’ Look at him, A sweet thing in creeds. A creed for a king. Has any gentleman a use for the Lap of Luxury? Who bids?:

Third Dealer Come and tell me what you know. If you are a practical creed, I will have you.

Heraclitus Please not to worry him with questions, sir. He is drunk, and cannot answer; his tongue plays him tricks, as you see.

Third Dealer And who in his senses would buy such an abandoned reprobate? How he smells of scent! And how he slips and staggers about! Well, you must speak for him, Hermes. What can he do? What is his line?

Heraclitus Well, for any gentleman who is not strait-laced, who loves a pretty girl, a bottle, and a jolly companion, he is the very thing. He is also a past master in gastronomy, and a connoisseur in voluptuousness generally. He was educated at Athens, and has served royalty in Sicily[*](See Aristippus in Notes.), where he had a very good character. Here are his principles in a nutshell: Think the worst of things: make the most of things: get all possible pleasure out of things.

Third Dealer You must look for wealthier purchasers. My purse is not equal to such a festive creed.

Heraclitus Zeus, this lot seems likely to remain on our hands.

Zeus Put it aside, and up with another. Stay, take the pair from Abdera and Ephesus; the creeds of Smiles and Tears. They shall make one lot.

Heraclitus Come forward, you two. Lot No. 4. A superlative pair. The smartest brace of creeds on our catalogue.

Fourth Dealer Zeus! What a difference is here! One of them does nothing but laugh, and the other might be at a funeral; he is all tears—You there! what is the joke?

Democritus You ask? You and your affairs are all one vast joke.

Fourth Dealer So! You laugh at us? Our business is a toy?

Democritus It is. There is no taking it seriously. All is vanity. Mere interchange of atoms in an infinite void.

Fourth Dealer Your vanity is infinite, if you like. Stop that laughing, you rascal.—