Vitarum auctio

And you, my poor fellow, what are you crying for? I must see what I can make of you.

Heraclitus I am thinking, friend, upon human affairs; and well may I weep and lament, for the doom of all is sealed. Hence my compassion and my sorrow. For the present, I think not of it; but the future!—the future is all bitterness. Conflagration and destruction of the world. I weep to think that nothing abides, All things are whirled together in confusion. Pleasure and pain, knowledge and ignorance, great and small; up and down they go, the playthings of Time.

Fourth Dealer And what is Time?

Heraclitus A child; and plays at draughts and blindman’s-buff.

Fourth Dealer And men?

Heraclitus Are mortal Gods.

Fourth Dealer And Gods?

Heraclitus Immortal men.

Fourth Dealer So! Conundrums, fellow? Nuts to crack? You are a very oracle for obscurity.

Heraclitus Your affairs do not interest me.

Fourth Dealer No one will be fool enough to bid for you at that rate.

Heraclitus Young and old, him that bids and him that bids not, a murrain seize you all!

Fourth Dealer A sad case. He will be melancholy mad before long. Neither of these is the creed for my money.

Heraclitus No one bids.

Zeus Next lot.

Heraclitus The Athenian there? Old Chatterbox?

Zeus By all means.

Heraclitus Come forward!—A good sensible creed this. Who buys Holiness?

Fifth Dealer Let me see. What are you good for?

Socrates I teach the art of love.

Fifth Dealer A likely bargain for me! I want a tutor for my young Adonis.

Socrates And could he have a better? The love I teach is of.

Fifth Dealer Very unconvincing that. A teacher of the art of love, and never meddle with anything but the spirit? Never use the opportunities your office gives you?

Socrates Now by Dog and Plane-tree, it is as I say!

Fifth Dealer Heracles! What strange Gods are these?

Socrates Why, the Dog is a God, I suppose? Is not Anubis made much of in Egypt? Is there not a Dog-star in Heaven, and a Cerberus in the lower world?

Fifth D. Quite so. My mistake. Now what is your manner of life?

Socrates I live in a city of my own building; I make my own laws, and have a novel constitution of my own.

Fifth Dealer I should like to hear some of your statutes.

Socrates You shall hear the greatest of them all. No woman shall be restricted to one husband. Every man who likes is her husband.

Fifth Dealer What! Then the laws of adultery are clean swept away?

Socrates I should think they were! and a world of hair-splitting with them.

Fifth Dealer And what do you do with the handsome boys?

Socrates ‘Their kisses are the reward of merit, of noble and spirited actions.

Fifth D. Unparalleled generosity!—And now, what are the main features of your philosophy?

Socrates Ideas and types of things. All things that you see, the earth and all that is upon it, the sea, the sky,—each has its counterpart in the invisible world.

Fifth Dealer And where are they?

Socrates Nowhere. Were they anywhere, they were not what they are.

Fifth Dealer I see no signs of these ‘types’ of yours.

Socrates Of course not; because you are spiritually blind. I see the counterparts of all things; an invisible you, an invisible me; everything is in duplicate.

Fifth Dealer Come, such a shrewd and lynx-eyed creed is worth a bid. Let me see. What do you want for him?

Heraclitus Five hundred.

Fifth Dealer Done with you. Only I must settle the bill another day.

Heraclitus What name?

Fifth Dealer Dion; of Syracuse.

Heraclitus Take him, and much good may he do you. Now I want Epicureanism. Who offers for Epicureanism? He isa disciple of the laughing creed and the drunken creed, whom we were offering just now. But he has one extra accomplishment— impiety. For the rest, a dainty, lickerish creed.

Sixth Dealer What price?

Heraclitus Eight pounds.

Sixth Dealer Here you are. By the way, you might let me know what he likes to eat.

Heraclitus Anything sweet. Anything with honey in it. Dried figs are his favourite dish.

Sixth Dealer That is all right. We will get in a supply of Carian fig-cakes,

Zeus Call the next lot.

Stoicism; the creed of the sorrowful countenance, the close-cropped creed.

Heraclitus Ah yes, several customiers, I fancy, are on the look-out for him. Virtue incarnate! The very quintessence of creeds! Who is for universal monopoly?

Seventh Dealer How are we to understand that?

Heraclitus Why, here is monopoly of wisdom, monopoly of beauty, monopoly of courage, monopoly of justice. Sole king, sole orator, sole legislator, sole millionaire.

Seventh Dealer And I suppose sole cook, sole tanner, sole carpenter, and all that?

Heraclitus Presumably.