Lexiphanes

LYCINUS Lexiphanes, the glass of fashion, with a book?

LEXIPHANES Yes, Lycinus; ’tis one of my own productions of this very season,[*](With τητινόν cf. τῆτες, ascribed to Pompeianus of Philadelphia in Athenaeus, III, 98 8. ) quite recent.

LYCINUS Why, are you now writing us something indecent ?[*](Lucian pretends to confuse νεοχμός (recent, novel) with αὐχμός (drought)—an equivoque quite impossible, I think, to reproduce exactly in English. ) LEXIPHANES No, forsooth, and I did not say indecent. Come, it is full time you learned to apply that word of mine to things newly indited. It would seem that your ears are stopped with wax.

LYCINUS Excuse me, my friend. Between indecent and recent there is a great dealin common. But tell me, what is the theme of your work?

LEXIPHANES I am counter-banqueting the son of Aristo in it.

LEXIPHANES You rede me right, but what I said would have been caviare to the general.

LYCINUS Well then, you must read me a few passages from the book, so that I shan’t miss the feast entirely, I dare say you will properly “wine us with nectar” out of it.[*](Lycinus is quoting a famous mixed metaphor in Homer (Iliad, I, 598 and IV, 3, with the scholia) and implies that he expects Lexiphanes to regale him similarly. ) LEXIPHANES Suppress Master Irony, then, and make your ears permeable before you give them to me. Avaunt with the obturations of Dame Cypselis is coined from cypselé (ear-wax). ) LYCINUS Say your say confidently, for no Cypselus nor any Periander[*](Periander comes in because he too was a Cypselid. ) has taken up lodgings in my ears.

LEXIPHANES Consider withal how I carry myself in the book —whether it has a good entrance, a rich display of good discourse and composure,[*](For εὔλεξις cf. A Professor of Public Speaking, 17 (IV, p. 157). ) and good store of egregious words.

LEXIPHANES (reads) “Then we shall dine,” quoth Callicles, “and then, at eventide, fetch a turn in the Lyceum; but now it is high season to endue ourselves with sunburn and tepify ourselves in the calid ambient, and after laving, to break bread. We must away forthwith. My lad, convoy me my strigil, scrip, diapers, and purgaments to the bath-house, and fetch the wherewithal. ’Tis on the floor, mark you, alongside the coffer, a brace of obols. And you, Lexiphanes, whatever shall you do? Shall you come, or tarry yet a while hereabouts?” “I too,” said I, “am yearning to ablute these ages past, for I am ill-conditioned, susceptible behind from riding pillion on a mule. The muleteer kept me going, though he himself was jigging it hot-foot.[*](Literally, ‘“dancing on wine-skins.” ) But even in the country I was not unassiduous, for I found the yokels caroling the harvest-home; some of them, too, were preparing a grave for my father. After I had assisted them in the engraving and for a brief space shared the handiwork of the dikers, I dispersed them on account of the cold and because they were getting burned (in severe cold, you know, burning ensues).[*](Cf. Athen., 98 B, καύματα, meaning “frosts’ (Pompeianus). ) For myself, I got about the simples, found prickmadam growing among them, exhumed sundry radishes, garnered chervils and potherbs, and bought groats. But the meads were not yet redolent enough for travelling by shank’s

Therefore I shall betake myself incontinently to my urchin, who belike attends me at the pease-porridge woman’s or the frippery, although he was forewarned to turn up at the comfit-shop.

“In the nick of time, however, here he is himself, and I see he has chaffered beestings-pudden, ashcake, chibbals, hakot, nape of beef—mark you !— dewlap, manyplies, and lamb’s fries. Good, Atticion! You have made most of my journey invious.” “For my part,” quoth he, “I have got squinny, master, keeping an eye out for you. Where were you dining yesterday? With Onomacritus, prithee?” “Nay, gadzooks,” quoth I: “I made off to the countryside, helter-skelter. You know how I adore rusticating. The rest of you no doubt supposed that I was playing toss-pot. But go you in and relish all of this; also cleanse the kneading-trough, that you may work us up some lettuce-loaf.

I myself shall be off and bestow upon myself an inunction sans immersion.”[*](Not a “dry-rub,” but a “rub-down” without a previous bath. )

“We,” quoth Philinos, “I and Onomarchus and Hellanicus here, shall have after you, for the style shadows the middle of the bowl,[*](Of the sundial. ) and it is to be

Discoursing in this wise, all those of us present were gone. When we came to the gymnasium, we despoiled ourselves. One exercised himself at wrestling with shoulder-holds, another with neckholds, standing; one sleeked himself with unguent and essayed eluding grasps; one countered the wind-bag,[*](He exercised with the “punching-bag.” ) one, grasping leaden sows, whipped his arms about. Then, once we were dressed down[*](To Lexiphanes, συντριβέντες is an allusion to the “rub-down”? previous mentioned; but others would infer from it that somebody had cracked their crowns for them. Cf. Athen., 98 A (Pompeianus). ) and had backed each other, and used the gymnasium for our sport, Philinus and I imbathed ourselves in the hot pool and emerged, while the rest, beducking their sconces in the cold plunge, swam about subaquaneous in wondrous guise.

Upon reversion, we imbusied ourselves with this, that or t’other. I myself indued my boots, dressed my scalp with a tined card,[*](The regular word for comb (κτεῖς or κτένιον) was not elegant enough for Lexiphanes. ) for I had got shorn with the “bowl” cut, not the “bush”; for not long