Bis accusatus sive tribunalia
Lucian of Samosata
The Works of Lucian of Samosata, complete, with exceptions specified in thepreface, Vol. 3. Fowler, H. W. and Fowlere, F.G., translators. Oxford at the Clarendon Press, 1905.
Porch Not yet! Let me ask him a few questions.
Epicurus Yes? I am ready.
Porch You hold toil to be an evil?
Epicurus I do.
Porch And pleasure a good?
Epicurus Unquestionably.
Porch Do you recognize the distinction between differentia and indifferentia? between praeposita and rejecta?
Epicurus Why, certainly.
Hermes Madan, this discussion must cease; the jury say they do not understand word-chopping. They will now give their votes,
Justice Who wins?
Hermes Unanimous verdict for Pleasure.
Porch 1 appeal to Zeus.
Justice By all means. Next case, Hermes.
Hermes Luxury v. Virtue, re Aristippus; Aristippus must appear in person.
Virtue I ought to speak first. Aristippus is mine; his words and his deeds alike proclaim him mine.
Luxury On the contrary, any one who will observe his garlands and his purple robes and his perfumes will agree that he is mine.
Justice Peace! This suit must stand over, until Zeus has decided the appeal re Dionysius. The cases are similar. If Porch wins her appeal, Aristippus shall be adjudged to Virtue: if not, Luxury must have him. Bring the next case. By the way, those jurors must not have their fee; they have not earned it.
Hermes So the poor old gentlemen have climbed up all this way for nothing!
Justice Well, they must be content with a third. Now go away, all of you, and don’t be cross; you shall have another chance.
Hermes Diogenes of Sinope wanted! Bank, it is for you to speak.
Diogenes Look here, Madam Justice, if she doesn’t stop bothering, I shall have assault and battery to answer for before long, instead of desertion; my stick is ready.
Justice What is the meaning of this? Bank has run away, and Diogenes after her, with his stick raised. Poor Bank! I am afraid she will be roughly handled. Call Pyrrho.