Bis accusatus sive tribunalia

Hermes We had better summon the parties, Justice.

Justice True. Only look at the crowd, bustling and buzzing about the hilltop like a swarm of wasps!

First Athenian I've got you, curse you.

Second Athenian Pooh! a trumped-up charge.

Third Athenian At last! you shall get your deserts this time.

Fourth Athenian Your villany shall be unmasked.

Fifth Athenian My jury first, Hermes.

Sixth Athenian Come along: into court with you, rascal.

Seventh Athenian You needn’t throttle me.

Justice Do you know what I think we had better do, Hermes? Put off all the other cases for to-morrow, and only take to-day the charges brought by Arts, Professions, and Philosophies. Pick me out all of that kind.

Hermes Drink v. the Academy, re Polemon, kidnapped.

Justice Seven jurors.

Hermes Porch v. Pleasure. Defendant is charged with seducing Dionysius, plaintiffs admirer.

Justice Five will do for that.

Hermes Luxury v. Virtue, re Aristippus.

Justice Five again.

Hermes Bank v. Diogenes, alleged to have run away from plaintiffs service.

Justice Three only.

Hermes Painting v. Pyrrho. Desertion from the ranks.

Justice That will want nine.

Hermes What about these two charges just brought against a thetorician?

Justice No, those can stand over; we must work off the arrears first.

Hermes Well, these cases are of just the same kind. They are not old ones, it is true, but they are very like those you have taken, and might fairly be heard with them.

Justice That looks rather like favouritism, Hermes, However, as you like; only these must be the last; we have got quite enough. What are they?

Hermes Rhetoric v. a Syrian[*]( i.e, Lucian. See Introduction, § 1, Life.), for neglect; Dialogue v, the same, for assault.

Justice And who is this Syrian? There is no name given.

Hermes That is all: the Syrian rhetorician; he can have a jury without having a name.

Justice So! here on Areopagus I am to give juries to outsiders, who ought to be tried on the other side of the Euphrates? Well, give him eleven, and they can hear both cases.

Hermes That’s right; it will save a lot of expense.

Justice First case: the Academy versus Drink. Let the jury take their seats. Mark the time, Hermes, Drink, open the case.... Not a word? can you do nothing but nod?— Hermes, go and see what is the matter with her.

Hermes She says she cannot plead, she would only be laughed at; wine has tied her tongues As you see, she can hardly stand.

Justice Well, there are plenty of able counsel present, ready to shout themselves hoarse for sixpence; let her employ one of them.

Hermes No one will have anything to do with such a client in open court. But she makes a very reasonable proposal.

Justice Yes?

Hermes The Academy is always ready to take both sides; she makes a point of contradicting herself plausibly. ‘Let her speak first on my behalf,’ says Drink, ‘and then on her own.’

Justice A novel form of procedure. However, goon, Academy; speak on both sides, if you find it so easy.