Vitarum auctio

The traits that you should possess in particular are these : you should be impudent and bold, and should abuse all and each, both kings and commoners, for thus they will admire you and think you manly. Let your language be barbarous, your voice discordant and just like the barking of a dog: let your expression be set, and your gait consistent with your expression. In a word, let everything about you be bestial and savage. Put off modesty, decency and moderation, and wipe away blushes from your face completely. Frequent the most crowded place, and in those very places desire to be solitary and uncommunicative, greeting nor friend nor stranger; for to do so is abdication of the empire.[*](Cynic and Stoic cant, meaning that a man cannot mingle with his fellows freely and still be captain of his soul.) Do boldly in full view of all what another would not do in secret ; choose the most ridiculous ways of satisfying your lust ; and at the last, if you like, eat a raw devilfish or squid, and die.[*](See Downward Journey, 7, and the note (p. 15).) That is the bliss we vouchsafe you.

BUYER Get out with you! The life you talk of is abominable and inhuman.

CYNIC But at all events it is easy, man, and no trouble for all to follow ; for you will not need education and doctrine and drivel, but this road is a short cut to fame. Even if you are an unlettered man,—a tanner

BUYER I do not want you for any such purpose, but you might do at a pinch for a boatman or a gardener, and only then if my friend here is willing to sell you for two obols at the outside.

HERMES He’s yours: take him. We shall be glad to get rid of him because he is annoying and loud-mouthed and insults and abuses everybody without exception.

ZEUS Call another; the Cyrenaic in the purple cloak, with the wreath on his head.[*](The Cyrenaic school, which made pleasure the highest good, was founded by Aristippus, who furnished a detail or two to this caricature.) HERMES Come now, attend, everyone! Here we have high-priced wares, wanting a rich buyer. Here you are with the sweetest philosophy, the thrice-happy philosophy! Who hankers for high living? Who'll buy the height of luxury?

BUYER Come here and tell me what you know ; I will buy you if you are of any use.

HERMES Don’t bother him, please, sir, and don’t question him, for he is drunk, and so can’t answer you because his tongue falters, as you observe.

HERMES In general, he is accommodating to live with, satisfactory to drink with, and handy to accompany an amorous and profligate master when he riots about town with a flute-girl, Moreover, he is a connoisseur in pastries and a highly expert cook: in short, a Professor of Luxury. He was educated in Athens, and entered service in Sicily, at the court of the tyrants, with whom he enjoyed high favour. The sum and substance of his creed is to despise everything, make use of everything and cull pleasure from every source.

BUYER You had better look about for someone else, among these rich and wealthy people ; for I can’t afford to buy a jolly life.

HERMES It looks as if this fellow would be left on our hands, Zeus.