Lexiphanes

LYCINUS Lexiphanes, the glass of fashion, with a book?

LEXIPHANES Yes, Lycinus; ’tis one of my own productions of this very season,[*](With τητινόν cf. τῆτες, ascribed to Pompeianus of Philadelphia in Athenaeus, III, 98 8. ) quite recent.

LYCINUS Why, are you now writing us something indecent ?[*](Lucian pretends to confuse νεοχμός (recent, novel) with αὐχμός (drought)—an equivoque quite impossible, I think, to reproduce exactly in English. ) LEXIPHANES No, forsooth, and I did not say indecent. Come, it is full time you learned to apply that word of mine to things newly indited. It would seem that your ears are stopped with wax.

LYCINUS Excuse me, my friend. Between indecent and recent there is a great dealin common. But tell me, what is the theme of your work?

LEXIPHANES I am counter-banqueting the son of Aristo in it.

LEXIPHANES You rede me right, but what I said would have been caviare to the general.

LYCINUS Well then, you must read me a few passages from the book, so that I shan’t miss the feast entirely, I dare say you will properly “wine us with nectar” out of it.[*](Lycinus is quoting a famous mixed metaphor in Homer (Iliad, I, 598 and IV, 3, with the scholia) and implies that he expects Lexiphanes to regale him similarly. ) LEXIPHANES Suppress Master Irony, then, and make your ears permeable before you give them to me. Avaunt with the obturations of Dame Cypselis is coined from cypselé (ear-wax). ) LYCINUS Say your say confidently, for no Cypselus nor any Periander[*](Periander comes in because he too was a Cypselid. ) has taken up lodgings in my ears.

LEXIPHANES Consider withal how I carry myself in the book —whether it has a good entrance, a rich display of good discourse and composure,[*](For εὔλεξις cf. A Professor of Public Speaking, 17 (IV, p. 157). ) and good store of egregious words.

LEXIPHANES (reads) “Then we shall dine,” quoth Callicles, “and then, at eventide, fetch a turn in the Lyceum; but now it is high season to endue ourselves with sunburn and tepify ourselves in the calid ambient, and after laving, to break bread. We must away forthwith. My lad, convoy me my strigil, scrip, diapers, and purgaments to the bath-house, and fetch the wherewithal. ’Tis on the floor, mark you, alongside the coffer, a brace of obols. And you, Lexiphanes, whatever shall you do? Shall you come, or tarry yet a while hereabouts?” “I too,” said I, “am yearning to ablute these ages past, for I am ill-conditioned, susceptible behind from riding pillion on a mule. The muleteer kept me going, though he himself was jigging it hot-foot.[*](Literally, ‘“dancing on wine-skins.” ) But even in the country I was not unassiduous, for I found the yokels caroling the harvest-home; some of them, too, were preparing a grave for my father. After I had assisted them in the engraving and for a brief space shared the handiwork of the dikers, I dispersed them on account of the cold and because they were getting burned (in severe cold, you know, burning ensues).[*](Cf. Athen., 98 B, καύματα, meaning “frosts’ (Pompeianus). ) For myself, I got about the simples, found prickmadam growing among them, exhumed sundry radishes, garnered chervils and potherbs, and bought groats. But the meads were not yet redolent enough for travelling by shank’s

Therefore I shall betake myself incontinently to my urchin, who belike attends me at the pease-porridge woman’s or the frippery, although he was forewarned to turn up at the comfit-shop.

“In the nick of time, however, here he is himself, and I see he has chaffered beestings-pudden, ashcake, chibbals, hakot, nape of beef—mark you !— dewlap, manyplies, and lamb’s fries. Good, Atticion! You have made most of my journey invious.” “For my part,” quoth he, “I have got squinny, master, keeping an eye out for you. Where were you dining yesterday? With Onomacritus, prithee?” “Nay, gadzooks,” quoth I: “I made off to the countryside, helter-skelter. You know how I adore rusticating. The rest of you no doubt supposed that I was playing toss-pot. But go you in and relish all of this; also cleanse the kneading-trough, that you may work us up some lettuce-loaf.

I myself shall be off and bestow upon myself an inunction sans immersion.”[*](Not a “dry-rub,” but a “rub-down” without a previous bath. )

“We,” quoth Philinos, “I and Onomarchus and Hellanicus here, shall have after you, for the style shadows the middle of the bowl,[*](Of the sundial. ) and it is to be

Discoursing in this wise, all those of us present were gone. When we came to the gymnasium, we despoiled ourselves. One exercised himself at wrestling with shoulder-holds, another with neckholds, standing; one sleeked himself with unguent and essayed eluding grasps; one countered the wind-bag,[*](He exercised with the “punching-bag.” ) one, grasping leaden sows, whipped his arms about. Then, once we were dressed down[*](To Lexiphanes, συντριβέντες is an allusion to the “rub-down”? previous mentioned; but others would infer from it that somebody had cracked their crowns for them. Cf. Athen., 98 A (Pompeianus). ) and had backed each other, and used the gymnasium for our sport, Philinus and I imbathed ourselves in the hot pool and emerged, while the rest, beducking their sconces in the cold plunge, swam about subaquaneous in wondrous guise.

Upon reversion, we imbusied ourselves with this, that or t’other. I myself indued my boots, dressed my scalp with a tined card,[*](The regular word for comb (κτεῖς or κτένιον) was not elegant enough for Lexiphanes. ) for I had got shorn with the “bowl” cut, not the “bush”; for not long

When the time was ripe, we dined on our elbows. Both faldstools and truckles were at hand. The dinner was picked up;[*](The phrase dmé cvpdopav to Lexiphanes meant “off contributions” (of the individual guests), but to anyone else in his day it meant “off catastrophes.” ) many different viands had been made ready, pig’s trotters, spareribs, tripe, the caul of a sow that had littered, panned pluck, spoonmeat of cheese and honey, shallot-pickle and other such condiments, crumpets, stuffed fig-leaves, sweets. Of submarine victuals, too, there were many sorts of selacian, all the ostraceans, cuts of Pontic tunny in hanapers, Copaic lassies,[*](Copaic eels. ) vernacular fowl, muted chanticleers, and an odd fish—the parasite. Yes, and we had a whole sheep barbecued, and the hind-quarter of an edentulous ox. Besides, there was bread from Siphae, not bad, and novilunar buns, too late for the fair, as well as vegetables, both underground and over grown. And there was wine, not vetust, but out of a leathern bottle, dry by now but still crude.

Drinking-cups of all kinds stood on the dresser,

The calefactor,[*](According to Athen., III, 98c, the name ἰπνολέβης was used by the “pinean Sophists” for the apparatus for heating water which the Romans called a μιλιάριον. ) however, slopped over on our heads and delivered us a consignment of coals. But we drank bottoms up and soon were well fortified. Then we endued ourselves with baccharis, and someone trundled in the girl that treads the mazy and juggles balls; after which, one of us, scrambling up to the coekloft, went looking for something to top off with,[*](The word ἐπιφόρημα means at once coverlet and (in Tonic) dessert. ) whilst another fell to thrumming and another laughingly wriggled his hips.

Meantime, after lavation, came rollicking in to us, self-invited, Megalonymus the pettifogger, Chaereas the goldworker, he with the back of many colours, and Eudemus the broken-ear.”[*](Chaereas’ back bore the stripes of the lash; Eudemus wa a pugilist with "cauliflower" ears. ) I asked

Forthwith I hit upon the Torch-bearer and the Hierophant, with the other participants in unutterable rites,[*](Those of the Eleusinian Mysteries. ) haling Deinias neck and crop to the office, bringing the charge that he had named them, albeit he knew right well that from the time when they were hallowed they were nameless and thenceforth ineffable, as being now all Hieronymuses.”[*](The adjective “of hallowed name” was itself used as a name. Unintentionally, Lexiphanes suggests that they have changed their names. )

“I do not know,” said I, “the Deinias that you mention, but the name intrigues me.”[*](No doubt because the name deinias was given to a variety of drinking pot (Athenaeus, XI, 467 D—E). ) “A clove-

“I,” quoth Eudemus, “was summoned as it grew crepuscular by Damasias the quondam athlete and champion, now out of the lists for eld—the brazen image, you know, in the square.[*](Out of compliment to him as a champion, his statue was set up in the square. ) He was hard at it a-plucking and a-singeing, for he intended to marry off his daughter to-day and was busking her. Then a Termerian[*](What a “Termerian misfortune” was, the ancients themselves do not seem to have known, except that it was a great one, and that “Termerian” was derived from a name— according to Suidas, that of a tyrant’s keep in Caria, used as a prison. ) misadventure befell that cut short the gala day. Distraught over I know not what, or more likely overtaken by divine detestation, his son Dion hung himself, and, depend upon it, he would have been undone if I had not been there to slip the noose and relieve him of his coil. Squatting on my

“Prithee,” quoth I, “dost mean that notable Dion, the slack-pursed libertine, the toothpickchewing aesthete, who strouts and gropes if ever he sees anyone that is well hung? He is a scapegrace and arutter.” “Well,” said Eudemus, “Damasias in amaze invoked the goddess—they have an Artemis in the middle of the hall, a Scopadean masterpiece —and he and his wife, who is now elderly and quite lyart-polled,[*](With a punning allusion to Athena Polias. ) flung themselves upon her and besought her to pity them. She at once inclined her head, and he was well; so that now they have a Theodore[*](“Gift-of-God.’ ) or rather, manifestly an Artemidore[*](“Gift-of-Artemis.” ) in the young man. So they have made offerings of all sorts to her, including bows and arrows, since she takes pleasure in these; for Artemis is a good bowyer, she is a Far-darter, a very Telemachus.”[*](As an “archeress” (but toxotis was also an arrow-window) Artemis was not only, like her brother, a Far-darter, but a Far-fighter (Telemachus). )

“Let us be drinking, then,” quoth Megalonymus, “for I am come bringing you this senile flagon, green cheese, windfallen olives—I keep them under wormscriven seals[*](Since in worm-eaten wood the “galleries” are never identical in pattern, sections of it were very suitable for use as seals; but in the day of Lexiphanes only an antiquarian is likely to have possessed one. )—and other olives, soused, and

And now that we have drunk, we shall gossip according to our wont, for in good sooth it is not inopportune to prate when we are in our cups.” “T approve this,” said I, “and why not, for we are the sheer quintessence of Atticism.” ‘ Very true,” quoth Callicles, “for quizzing each other incessantly is a whet to loquacity.” “As to me,” said Eudemus, “since it is brumal I had liefer fence myself with stiffer drink. I am starved with cold, and when I am warmed I would fain hear these handiwise[*](Cf. Dancing, 69 (p. 272), and the note there. ) folk, the flute-player and the harper.”

“What was that you said, Eudemus?” said I. “Do you enjoin alogy upon us as if we were inarticulate and elinguid? My tongue is already pregnant with utterance, and in sooth I set sail in the intent to archaise with you and wash you up with my tongue, one and all. But you have treated me as if a three-masted vessel were sailing before the wind with full kites, running easy and spooming over the billows, and then someone, letting go double-tongued refrainers,[*](In view of the fact that to the Greeks Hector was a “holder,” Lexiphanes can cause us to imagine that hero performing new and strange feats. ) pigs of iron,[*](For ἰσχάς (“fig”) used, in the sense “holder,” to apply to an anchor, cf. Athen., 99 c—p, where it is attributed to Sophocles (Fr. 761 Pearson). ) and bowers, were to curb the impetuosity of her course, begrudging her the fair wind.”

“Well, then,” quoth he, “you, if you like, may sail and swim and course over the main, but I from off the land, with a drink at my elbow, like Homer’s Zeus, shall look upon you either from a bald cop or the pitch of heaven as you drive and the wind gives your vessel a saucy fairing from astern.”

LYCINUS Enough, Lexiphanes, both of the drinking-party and of the reading. I am already half-seas-over and squeamish, and if I do not very soon jettison all this gallimaufry of yours, depend upon it, I expect to go raving crazy with the roaring in my ears from the words with which you have showered me. At first I was inclined to laugh at it all, but when it turned out to be such a quantity and all of a sort, I pitied you for your hard luck, seeing that you had fallen into a labyrinthine maze from which there was no escaping and were afflicted with the most serious of all illnesses—I mean, were as mad as a hatter.

I have been quietly wondering from what source you have culled so much pestilential stuff, and how long it took you, and where you locked up and kept such a swarm of outlandish distorted expressions, of which you made some yourself and resurrected others from the graves in which they lay buried somewhere. As the verse puts it,

But what luck! here I see Sopolis the physician drawing near. Come now, suppose we put you in his hands, have a consultation with him about your complaint, and find some cure for you. The man is clever, and often before now, taking charge of people like yourself, half crazed and full of drivel, he has relieved them with his doses of medicine. —Good-day to you, Sopolis. Do take charge of Lexiphanes here, who is my friend, as you know, and at present has on him a nonsensical, outlandish distemper affecting his speech which is likely to be the death of him outright. Do save him in one way or another.

LEXIPHANES Not me, Sopolis, but this man Lycinus, who is patently maggoty and thinks that well-furnished heads want wits, and imposes silence and a truce of the tongue upon us in the style of the son of Mnesarchus, the Samian.[*](Pythagoras; in Philosophies for Sale, 3 (II, 454) Lucian alludes to the five years of silence which he imposed on his pupils. )_ But I protest, by bashless Athena and by mighty Heracles, slayer of ferines, I shan’t bother even a flock or a doit about him! In fact I abominate meeting him at all, and I am fit to snort when I hear him pass such censure. Any-

SOPOLIS What ails him, Lycinus?

LYCINUS Just that, Sopolis! Can’t you hear how he talks? Abandoning us, who converse with him now, he talks to us from a thousand years ago, distorting his language, making these preposterous combinations, and taking himself very seriously in the matter, as if it were a great thing for him to use an alien idiom and debase the established currency of speech.

SOPOLIS By Zeus, it is no trivial disorder you tell of, Lycinus. The man must be helped by all means. As good luck would have it, I came away with this medicine, made up for an insane person, so that by taking it he might throw off his bile. Come, you be the first to take it, Lexiphanes, that we may have you cured and cleansed, once you have rid yourself of such impossible language. Do obey me and take it, and you will feel better.

LEXIPHANES I don’t know what you and Lycinus mean to do to me, Sopolis, plying me with this drench. Indeed, I fear your draught may chill my vocabulary.

LEXIPHANES There, I obey and drink. Oh me, what is this? The bombilation is vast! I would seem to have swallowed a familiar spirit.[*](Cf. i Sam. (in the Septuagint, i Kings) 28, 8. )