Bis accusatus sive tribunalia

Porch Not yet! Let me ask him a few questions.

Epicurus Yes? I am ready.

Porch You hold toil to be an evil?

Epicurus I do.

Porch And pleasure a good?

Epicurus Unquestionably.

Porch Do you recognize the distinction between differentia and indifferentia? between praeposita and rejecta?

Epicurus Why, certainly.

Hermes Madan, this discussion must cease; the jury say they do not understand word-chopping. They will now give their votes,

Justice Who wins?

Hermes Unanimous verdict for Pleasure.

Porch 1 appeal to Zeus.

Justice By all means. Next case, Hermes.

Hermes Luxury v. Virtue, re Aristippus; Aristippus must appear in person.

Virtue I ought to speak first. Aristippus is mine; his words and his deeds alike proclaim him mine.

Luxury On the contrary, any one who will observe his garlands and his purple robes and his perfumes will agree that he is mine.

Justice Peace! This suit must stand over, until Zeus has decided the appeal re Dionysius. The cases are similar. If Porch wins her appeal, Aristippus shall be adjudged to Virtue: if not, Luxury must have him. Bring the next case. By the way, those jurors must not have their fee; they have not earned it.

Hermes So the poor old gentlemen have climbed up all this way for nothing!

Justice Well, they must be content with a third. Now go away, all of you, and don’t be cross; you shall have another chance.

Hermes Diogenes of Sinope wanted! Bank, it is for you to speak.

Diogenes Look here, Madam Justice, if she doesn’t stop bothering, I shall have assault and battery to answer for before long, instead of desertion; my stick is ready.

Justice What is the meaning of this? Bank has run away, and Diogenes after her, with his stick raised. Poor Bank! I am afraid she will be roughly handled. Call Pyrrho.

Hermes Here is Painting, but Pyrrho has never come up. I knew how it would be.

Justice And what was his reason?

Hermes He holds that there is no such thing as a true decision.

Justice Then judgement goes against him by default. Now for the Syrian advocate. The indictments were only filed a day or two ago; there wasno such hurry. However—. We will first take the case in which Rhetoric is plaintiff. How people crowd in to hear it!

Hermes Just so: the case has not had -time to get stale, you see; it has the charm of novelty, the indictment, as you say, having only been filed yesterday. The prospect, too, of hearing the Syrian defend himself against two such plaintiffs as Rhetoric and Dialogue, one after the other, is a great attraction, Well, Rhetoric, when are you going to begin?

Rhetoric Before all things, men of Athens, I pray the Gods that you may listen to me throughout this trial with feelings not less warm than those that I have ever entertained towards my country and towards each one of you, my countrymen, And if, further, I pray them so to dispose your hearts that you will suffer me to conduct my case in accordance with my original intention and design, without interruption from my adversary, I shall be asking no more than justice. When I listen to the defendant’s words, and then reflect upon the treatment I have received from him, I know not how I am to reconcile the two. You will presently find him holding a language scarcely distinguishable from my own: yet examine into his conduct, and you will see, from the lengths to which he has already gone, that I am justified in taking steps to prevent his going yet further. But enough of preamble: I am wasting time that might be better employed in accusing my adversary.

Gentlemen, the defendant was no more than a boy—he still spoke with his native accent, and might at any moment have exhibited himself in the garb of an Assyrian—when I found him wandering up and down Ionia, at a loss for employment.

For a long time he consulted my wishes in everything, was unfailing in his attendance upon me, and never passed a night away from my side.

But no sooner had he secured an adequate provision, no sgoner did he consider his reputation established, than his countenance changed towards me: he assumed a haughty air, and neglected, nay, utterly abandoned me; having conceived a violent affection for the bearded old person yonder, whom you may know from his dress to be Dialogue, and who passes for a son of Philosaphy. With this Dialogue, in spite of the disparity of age, he is now living; and is not ashamed to clip the wings of free, high-soaring eloquence, and submit himself to the comedian’s fetterg of bald question and answer. He, whose thoughts should haye found utterance in thundering oratory, is content to weave a puny network of conversation. Such things may draw a smile from his audience, a nod, an unimpassioned wave of the hand, a murmur of approbation: