Bis accusatus sive tribunalia

Hermes What about these two charges just brought against a thetorician?

Justice No, those can stand over; we must work off the arrears first.

Hermes Well, these cases are of just the same kind. They are not old ones, it is true, but they are very like those you have taken, and might fairly be heard with them.

Justice That looks rather like favouritism, Hermes, However, as you like; only these must be the last; we have got quite enough. What are they?

Hermes Rhetoric v. a Syrian[*]( i.e, Lucian. See Introduction, § 1, Life.), for neglect; Dialogue v, the same, for assault.

Justice And who is this Syrian? There is no name given.

Hermes That is all: the Syrian rhetorician; he can have a jury without having a name.

Justice So! here on Areopagus I am to give juries to outsiders, who ought to be tried on the other side of the Euphrates? Well, give him eleven, and they can hear both cases.

Hermes That’s right; it will save a lot of expense.

Justice First case: the Academy versus Drink. Let the jury take their seats. Mark the time, Hermes, Drink, open the case.... Not a word? can you do nothing but nod?— Hermes, go and see what is the matter with her.

Hermes She says she cannot plead, she would only be laughed at; wine has tied her tongues As you see, she can hardly stand.

Justice Well, there are plenty of able counsel present, ready to shout themselves hoarse for sixpence; let her employ one of them.

Hermes No one will have anything to do with such a client in open court. But she makes a very reasonable proposal.

Justice Yes?

Hermes The Academy is always ready to take both sides; she makes a point of contradicting herself plausibly. ‘Let her speak first on my behalf,’ says Drink, ‘and then on her own.’

Justice A novel form of procedure. However, goon, Academy; speak on both sides, if you find it so easy.

Academy First, gentlemen of the jury, let me state the case for Drink, as her time is now being taken.

My unfortunate client, gentlemen, has been cruelly wronged: I have torn from her the one slave on whose loyalty and affection she could rely, the only one who saw nothing censurable in her conduct. I allude to Polemon, whose days, from morning to night, were spent in revel; who in broad daylight sought the publicity of the Market in the company of music-girls and singers; ever drunk, ever headachy, ever garlanded. In support of my statements, I appeal to every man in Athens to say whether he had ever seen Polemon sober. But in an evil hour for him, his revels, which had brought him to so many other doors, brought him at length to my own. I laid hands on him, tore him away by brute force from the plaintiff, and made him my own; giving him water to drink, teaching him sobriety, and stripping him of his garlands. He, who should have been sitting over his wine, now became acquainted with the perverse, the harassing, the pernicious quibbles of philosophy. Alas! the ruddy glow has departed from his cheek; he is pale and wasted; his songs are all forgotten; there are times when he will sit far on into the night, tasting neither meat nor drink, while he reels out the meaningless platitudes with which I have so abundantly

The case of Drink is now complete. I proceed to state my own. Let my time be taken.

Justice What will the defendant have to say to that, I wonder? Give her the same time allowance.

Academy Nothing, gentlemen of the jury, could sound more plausible than the arguments advanced by my learned friend on her client’s behalf. And yet, if you will give me your favourable attention, I shall convince you that the plaintiff has suffered no wrong at my hands. This Polemon, whom plaintiff claims as her servant, so far from having any natural connexion with her, is one whose excellent parts entitle him to claim kinship and affinity with myself. He was still a boy, his powers were yet unformed, when plaintiff, aided and abetted by Pleasure— ever her partner in crime—seized upon him, and delivered him over into the clutches of debauchery and dissipation, under whose corrupt influence the unfortunate young man utterly lost all sense of shame. Those very facts that plaintiff supposed to be so many arguments in her favour will be found, on the contrary, to make for my own case. From early morning (as my learned friend has just observed) did the misguided Polemon, with aching head and garlanded, stagger through the open market to the noise of flutes, never sober, brawling with all he met; a reproach to his ancestors and his city, a laughingstock to foreigners. One day he reached my door, He found it open: I was discoursing to a company of my disciples, as is my wont, upon virtue and temperance. He stood there, with the flute-girl at his side and the garlands on his head, and sought at first to drown our conversation with his noisy outcry. But we paid no heed to him, and little by little our words produced a sobering effect, for Drink had not entire possession of him:

Hermes Come, gentlemen, get up and give your votes. There is no time to be lost; we have other cases coming on.

Justice Academy wins, by six votes to one.