Piscator

Parrhesiades Quite a simple matter. Oyez, oyez! All who profess philosophy and hold themselves entitled to the name of philosopher shall appear on the Acropolis for largesse; £8, with a sesame cake, to each. A long beard shall qualify for a square of compressed figs, in addition. Every applicant to have with him, of temperance, justice, and self-control, any __ that he is in possession of, it being clearly understood that these are not indispensable, and, of syllogisms, a complete set of five, these being the condition precedent of wisdom.

Just look! the ascent packed with a pushing crowd, at the very first sound of my £8. More of them along the Pelasgicum, more by the temple of Asclepius, a bigger crowd still over the Areopagus. Why, positively there are a few at the tomb of Talos; and see those putting ladders against the temple of Castor and Pollux; up they climb, buzzing and clustering like

Philosophy It shall be done before long; at present let us receive them.

Platonists Platonists first!

Pythagoreans No, no; Pythagoreans first; our master is senior.

Stoics Rubbish! the Porch is the best.

Peripatetics Now, now, this is a question of money; Peripatetics first there!

Epicureans Hand over those cakes and fig-squares; as to the money, Epicureans will not mind waiting till the last.

Academics Where are the two talents? none can touch the Academy at a wrangle; we will soon show you that.

Stoics Not if we know it.

Philosophy Cease your strife. Cynics there, no more pushing! and keep those sticks quiet. You have mistaken the nature of this summons. We three, Philosophy, Virtue, and Truth, are about to decide which are the true philosophers; that done, those whose lives are found to be in accord with our pleasure will be made happy by our award; but the impostors who are not truly of our kin we shall crush as they deserve, that they may no more make vain claims to what is too high for them.

Attendants, pick up the wallet which yonder flying Cynic has dropped. Let us see what it contains—beans? a book? some coarse crust?

Parrhesiades Ohdear no. Here is gold; some scent; a mirror; dice.

Philosophy Ah, good honest man! such were his little necessaries for the philosophic life, such his title to indulge in general abuse and instruct his neighbours.

Parrhesiades There you have them. The problem before you is, how the general ignorance is to be dispersed, and other people enabled to discriminate between the genuine and the other sort. Find the solution, Truth; for indeed it concerns you; Falsehood must not prevail; shall Ignorance shield the base while they counterfeit the good, and you never know it?

Truth I think we had better give Parrhesiades this commission; he has been shown an honest man, our friend and your true admirer, Philosophy. Let him take Exposure with him and have interviews with all who profess philosophy; any genuine scion that he finds let him crown with olive and entertain in the Banqueting Hall; and for the rascals—ah, how many!—who are only costume philosophers, let him pull their cloaks off them, clip their beards short with a pair of common goatshears, and mark their foreheads or brand them between the eyebrows; the design on the branding iron to be a fox or an ape.

Philosophy Well planned, Truth. And, Parrhesiades, here is a test for you; you know how young eagles are supposed to bé tested by the sun; well, our candidates have not got to satisfy us that they can look at light, of course; but put gold, fame, and pleasure before their eyes; when you see one remain

Parrhesiades I will follow your instructions, Philosophy; you will soon find a large majority ornamented with fox or ape, and very few with olive. If you like, though, I will get some of them up here for you to see.

Philosophy What do you mean? bring them back after that stampede?

Parrhesiades Oh yes, if the priestess will lend me the line I see there and the Piraean fisherman’s votive hook; I will not keep them long.

Priestess of Athene You can have them; and the rod to complete the equipment.

Parrhesiades Thanks; now quickly, please, a few dried figs and a handful of gold.

Priestess of Athene There.

Philosophy What is all this about?

Priestess of Athene He has baited his hook with the figs and gold, and is sitting on the parapet dangling it over the city.

Philosophy What are you doing, Parrhesiades? do you think you are going to fish up stones from the Pelasgicum?

Parrhesiades Hush! wait till I get a bite. Posidon, the fisherman’s friend, and you, dear Amphitrite, send me good fishing!

Ah, a fine bass; no, it is not; it is a gilthead.

Exposure A shark, you mean; there, see, he is getting near the hook, open-mouthed too. He scents the gold; now he is close—touching—he has it; up with him!

Parrhesiades Give me a hand with the line, Exposure; here he is. Now, my best of fishes, what do we make of you? Salmo Cynicus, that is what you are. Good gracious, what teeth! Aha, my brave fish, caught snapping up trifles in the rocks,

Diogenes Make him disgorge; we want the bait for some more.

Parrhesiades There, then. Now, Diogenes, do you know who it is? has the fellow anything to do with you?

Diogenes Nothing whatever.

Parrhesiades Well, what do you put him at? threepence was the price fi I the other day.

Diogenes Too much. His flavour and his looks are intolerable— a coarse worthless brute. Drop him head first over the rock, and catch another. But take care your rod does not bend to breaking point.

Parrhesiades No fear; they are quite light—about the weight of a gudgeon.

Diogenes About the weight and about the wit. However, up with them.

Parrhesiades Look; what is this one? a sole? flat as a plate, thin as one of his own fillets; he gapes for the hook; down it goes; we have him; up he comes.

Diogenes What is he?

Exposure His plateship would be a Platonist.

Platonists You too after the gold, villain?

Parrhesiades Well, Plato? what shall we do with him?

Platonists Off with him from the same rock.

Diogenes Try again.

Parrhesiades Ah, here is a lovely one coming, as far as one can judge in deep water, all the colours of the rainbow, with gold bars across the back. Do you see, Exposure? this is the sham Aristotle. There he is; no, he has shied. He is having a good look round; here he comes again; his jaws open; caught! haul up.

Aristotle You need not apply to me; I do not know him.

Parrhesiades Very well, Aristotle; over he goes.

Hullo! I see a whole school of them together, all one colour, and covered with spines and horny scales, as tempting to handle as a hedgehog. We want a net for these; but we have not got one. Well, it will do if we pull up one out of the lot. The boldest of them will no doubt try the hook.

Exposure You had better sheathe a good bit of the line before you let it down; else he will gorge the gold and then saw the line through.

Parrhesiades There it goes. Posidon grant me a quick ca...: There now! they are fighting for the bait, a lot of them together nibbling at the figs, and others with their teeth well in the gold. That is right; one soundly hooked. Now let me see, what do you call yourself? and yet how absurd to try and make a fish speak; they are dumb. Exposure, tell us who is his master.

Exposure Chrysippus.

Parrhesiades Ah, he must have a master with gold in his name, must he? Chrysippus, tell me seriously, do you know these men? are you responsible for the way they live?

Chrysippus My dear Parrhesiades, I take it ill that you should suggest any connexion between me and such creatures.

Parrhesiades Quite right, and like you. Over he goes head first like the others; if one tried to eat him, those spines might stick in one’s throat.

Philosophy You have fished long enough, Parrhesiades; there are so many of them, one might get away with gold, hook and all, and you have the priestess to pay. Let us go for our usual stroll; and for all you it is time to be getting back to your place, if you are not to outstay your leave. Parrhesiades, you and Exposure can go the rounds now, and crown or brand as I told you.

Parrhesiades Good, Philosophy. Farewell, ye best of men. Come, Exposure, to our commission. Where shall we go first? the Academy, do you think, or the Porch?

Exposure We will begin with the Lyceum.

Parrhesiades Well, it makes no difference. I know well enough that wherever we go there will be few crowns wanted, and a good deal of branding.