Piscator

Truth Go on, the rest of you; it is superfluous for me to hear what I know all about before.

Philosophy But, Truth dear, your presence will be useful to us; you will show us what to think.

Truth May I bring my two favourite maids, then?

Philosophy And as many more as you like.

Truth Come with me, Freedom and Frankness; this poor little adorer of ours is in trouble without any real reason; we shall be able to get him out of it. Exposure, my man, we shall not want you.

Lucian Ah yes, Mistress, let us have him, of all others; my opponents are no ordinary ruffians; they are people who make a fine show and are hard to expose; they have always some back way out of a difficulty; we must have Exposure.

Philosophy Yes, we must, indeed; and you had better bring Demonstration too.

Truth Come all of you, as you are such important legal persons.

Aristotle What is this? Philosophy, he is employing Truth against us!

Philosophy And are Plato and Chrysippus and Aristotle afraid of her lying on his behalf, being who she is?

Platonists Oh, well, no; only he i is a sad plausible- rogue; he will take her in.

Philosophy Never fear; no wrong will be done, with madam Justice on the bench by us. Let us go up.

Prisoner, your name?

Lucian Parrhesiades, son of Alethion, son of Elenxicles.[*](i.e., Free-speaker, son of Truthful, son of Exposure.)

Philosophy And your country?

Lucian I am a Syrian from the Euphrates, my lady. But is the question relevant? Some of my accusers I know to be as much barbarians by blood as myself; but character and culture do

Philosophy True, the question was unnecessary. But what is your profession? that at least is essential.

Lucian I profess hatred of pretension and imposture, lying, and pride; the whole loathsome tribe of them I hate; and you know how numerous they are.

Philosophy Upon my word, you must have your hands full at this profession!

Lucian I have; you see what general dislike and danger it brings upon me. However, I do not neglect the complementary branch, in which love takes the place of hate; it includes love of truth and beauty and simplicity and all that is akin to love. But the subjects for this branch of the profession are sadly few; those of the other, for whom hatred is the right treatment, are reckoned by the thousand. Indeed there is some danger of the one feeling being atrophied, while the other is over-developed.

Philosophy That should not be; they run in couples, you know. Do not separate your two branches; they should have unity in diversity.

Lucian You know better than I, Philosophy. My way is just to hate a villain, and love and praise the good.

Philosophy Well, well. Here we are at the appointed place. We will hold the trial in the forecourt of Athene Polias: Priestess, arrange our seats, while we salute the Goddess.

Lucian Polias, come to my aid against these pretenders, mindful of the daily perjuries thou hearest from them. Their deeds too are revealed to thee alone, in virtue of thy charge. Thou hast now thine hour of vengeance. If thou see me in evil case, if blacks be more than whites, then cast thou thy vote and save me!

Philosophy So. Now we are seated, ready to hear your words. Choose one of your number, the best accuser you may, make your charge, and bring your proofs. Were all to speak, there would be no end. And you, Parrhesiades, shall afterwards make your defence.

Chrysippus Plato, none of us will conduct the prosecution better than you. Your thoughts are heaven-high, your style the perfect Attic; grace and persuasion, insight and subtlety, the cogency of welltordered proof—all these are gathered in you. Take the spokesman’s office and say what is fitting on our behalf. Call to memory and roll in one all that ever you said against Gorgias, Polus, Hippias, Prodicus; you have now to do with a worse than them. Let him taste your irony; ply him with your keen incessant questions; and if you will, perorate with the mighty Zeus charioting his winged car through Heaven, and grudging if this fellow get not his deserts.

Platonists Nay, nay; choose one of more strenuous temper—

Diogenes Antisthenes, Crates, or yourself, Chrysippus. It is no time now for beauty or literary skill; controversial and forensic resource is what we want. This Parrhesiades is an orator.

Diogenes Let me be accuser; no need for long speeches here. Moreover, I was the worst treated of all; threepence was my price the other day.

Platonists Philosophy, Diogenes will speak for us. But mind, friend, you are not to represent yourself alone, but think of us all. If we have any private differences of doctrine, do not go into that; never mind now which of us is right, but keep your indignation for Philosophy’s wrongs and the names he has called her. Leave alone the principles we differ about, and maintain what is common to us al, Now mark, you stand for us all; on you our whole fame depends; shall it come out majestic, or in the semblance he has given it?

Diogenes Never fear; nothing shall be omitted; I speak for all.

Philosophy Nay, take not that way; words, not bludgeons; ’tis better so. But no delay now; your time-allowance has begun; and the court is all attention.

Lucian Philosophy, let the rest take their seats and vote with you, leaving Diogenes as sole accuser.

Philosophy Have you no fears of their condemning you?

Lucian None whatever; I wish to increase my majority, that is all.

Philosophy I commend your spirit. Gentlemen, take your seats. Now, Diogenes.

Diogenes With our lives on earth, Philosophy, you are acquainted; I need not dwell long upon them. Of myself I say nothing; but Pythagoras, Plato, Aristotle, Chrysippus, and the rest— who knows not the benefits that they conferred on mankind? I will come at once, then, to the insults to which we have been subjected by the thrice accursed Parrhesiades. He was, by his own account, an advocate; but he has left the courts and the fame there to be won, and has availed himself of all the verbal skill and proficiency so acquired for a campaign of abuse against us. We are impostors and deceivers; his audiences must ridicule and scorn us for nobodies. Did I say ‘nobodies’? he has made us an abomination, rather, in the eyes of the vulgar, and yourself with us, Philosophy. Your teachings are balderdash and rubbish; the noblest of your precepts to us he parodies, winning for himself applause and approval, and for us humiliation, For so it is with the great public; it loves a master of flouts and jeers, and loves him in proportion to the grandeur of what he assails; you know how it delighted long ago in Aristophanes and Eupolis, when they caricatured our Socrates on

But this fellow gets together an upper-class aydience, gives long thought to his preparations, writes down his slanders in a thick notebook, and uplifts his voice in vituperation of Plato, Pythagoras, Aristotle, Chrysippus, and in short all of us; be cannot plead holiday time, nor yet any private grievance; he might perhaps be forgiven if he had done it in self-defence; but it was he that opened hostilities. Worst of all, Philosophy, he shelters himself under your name, entices Dialogue from our company to be hig ally and mouthpiece, and induces our good comrade Menippus to collaborate constantly with him; Menippus, more by token, is the one deserter and absentee on this occasion.

Does he not then abundantly deserve his fate? What conceivable defence is open to him, after his public defamation of all that is noblest? On the public which listened to him, too, the spectacle of his condign punishment will have a healthy effect; we shall see no more ridicule of Philosophy. Tame submission to insult would naturally enough be taken, not for moderation, but for insensibility and want of spirit. Who could be expected to put up with his last performance? He brought us to market like a gang of slaves, and handed us over to the auctioneer. Some, I believe, fetched high prices; but others went for four or five pounds, and as for me—confound his impudence, threepence! And fine fun the audience had out of it! We did well to be angry; we have come from Hades; and we ask you to give us satisfaction for this abominable outrage.

Resurgents Hear, hear! well spoken, Diogenes; well and loyally.

Philosophy Silence in court! Time the defence. Parrhesiades, it is now your turn; they are timing you; so proceed.