Vitarum auctio

Chrysippus It cripples; it ties the tongue, and turns the brain. Nay, I have but to will it, and you are stone this instant.

Seventh Dealer Stone! You are no Perseus, friend?

Chrysippus See here. A stone is a body?

Seventh Dealer Yes.

Chrysippus Well, and an animal is a body?

Seventh Dealer Yes.

Chrysippus And you are an animal?

Seventh Dealer I suppose I am.

Chrysippus ‘Therefore you are a body. Therefore a stone.

Seventh Dealer Mercy, in Heaven’s name! Unstone me, and let me be flesh as heretofore.

Chrysippus That is soon done. Back with you into flesh! Thus: Is every body animate?

Seventh Dealer No.

Chrysippus Is a stone animate?

Seventh Dealer No.

Chrysippus Now, you are a body?

Seventh Dealer Yes.

Chrysippus And an animate body?

Seventh Dealer Yes.

Chrysippus Then being animate, you cannot be a stone.

Seventh Dealer Ah! thank you, thank you. I was beginning to feel my limbs growing numb and solidifying like Niobe’s. Oh, I must have you. What’s to pay?

Heraclitus Fifty pounds.

Seventh Dealer Here it is.

Heraclitus Are you sole purchaser?

Seventh Dealer Not I. All these gentlemen here are going shares.

Heraclitus A fine strapping lot of fellows, and will do the ‘Reaper’ credit.

Zeus Don’t waste time. Next lot,—the Peripatetic!

Heraclitus Now, my beauty, now, Affluence! Gentlemen, if you want Wisdom for your money, here is a creed that comprises all knowledge.:

Eighth Dealer What is he like?

Heraclitus He is temperate, good-natured, easy to get on with; and his strong point is, that he is twins,

Eighth Dealer How can that be?

Heraclitus Why, he is one creed outside, and another inside. So remember, if you buy him, one of him is called Esoteric, and the other Exoteric.

Eighth Dealer And what has he to say for himself?

Heraclitus He has to say that there are three kinds of good: spiritual, corporeal, circumstantial,

Eighth Dealer There’s something a man can understand. How much is he?

Heraclitus Eighty pounds.

Eighth Dealer Eighty pounds is a long price.

Heraclitus Not at all, my dear sir, not at all. You see, there is some money with him, to all appearance. Snap him up before it is too late. Why, from him you will find out in no time how long a gnat lives, to how many fathoms’ depth the sunlight penetrates the sea, and what an oyster’s soul is like.

Eighth Dealer Heracles! Nothing escapes him.

Heraclitus Ah, these are trifles. You should hear some of his more abstruse speculations, concerning generation and birth and the development of the embryo; and his distinction between man, the laughing creature, and the ass, which is neither a laughing nor a carpentering nor a shipping creature.

Eighth Dealer Such knowledge is as useful as it is ornamental. Eighty pounds be it, then.

Heraclitus He is yours,

Zeus What have we left?

Heraclitus There is Scepticism. Come along, Pyrrhias, and be put up. Quick’s the word. The attendance is dwindling; there will be small competition. Well, who buys Lot 9?

Ninth Dealer I. Tell me first, though, what do you know?

Scepticism Nothing.

Ninth Dealer But how’s that?

Scepticism There does not appear to me to de anything.

Ninth Dealer Are not we something?

Scepticism How do I know that?

Ninth Dealer And you yourself?

Scepticism Of that I am still more doubtful.

Ninth Dealer Well, you are in a fix! And what have you got those scales for?

Scepticism I use them to weigh arguments in, and get them evenly balanced, They must be absolutely equal—not a feather-weight to choose between them; then, and not till then, can I make uncertain which is right.

Ninth Dealer What else can you turn your hand to?

Scepticism Anything; except catching a runaway.

Ninth Dealer And why not that?

Scepticism Because, friend, everything eludes my grasp.

Ninth Dealer I believe you. A slow, lumpish fellow you seem to be. And what is the end of your knowledge?

Scepticism Ignorance. Deafness. Blindness.

Ninth Dealer What! sight and hearing both gone?

Scepticism And with them judgement and perception, and all, in short, that distinguishes man from a worm.

Ninth Dealer You are worth money!—What shall we say for him?

Heraclitus Four pounds.

Ninth Dealer Here it is, Well, fellow; so you are mine?

Scepticism I doubt it.

Ninth Dealer Nay, doubt it not! You are bought and paid for.

Scepticism It is a difficult case.... I reserve my decision.

Ninth Dealer Now, come along with me, like a good slave.

Scepticism But how am I to know whether what you say is true?

Ninth Dealer Ask the auctioneer. Ask my money. Ask the spectators.

Scepticism Spectators? But can we be sure there are any?

Ninth Dealer Oh, V'll send you to the treadmill. That will convince you with a vengeance that I am your master.

Scepticism Reserve your decision.

Ninth Dealer Too late. It is given.

Heraclitus Stop that wrangling and go with your purchaser. Gentlemen, we hope to see you here again to-morrow, when we shall be offering some lots suitable for plain men, artisans, and shopkeepers.