Vitarum auctio

HERMES Do you want the dirty one over yonder, from the Black Sea ?[*](Diogenes, chief of the Cynics, came from Sinope.) ZEUS By all means.

HERMES You there with the wallet slung about you, you

BUYER Crier, what’s that you say? Are you selling someone who is free ?

HERMES That I am.

BUYER Then aren’t you afraid he may have the law on you for kidnapping or even summon you to the Areopagus ?

HERMES He doesn’t mind being sold, for he thinks that he is free anyhow.

BUYER What use could a man make of him, filthy as he is, and in such a wretched condition? However, he might be made a shoveller or a drawer of water.

HERMES Not only that, but if you make him doorkeeper, you will find him far more trusty than a dog. In tact, he is even called a dog.[*](The name of the sect in Greek means doggish.) BUYER Where is he from, and what creed does he profess ?

HERMES Ask the man himself; it is better to do so.

BUYER I am afraid of his sullen, hang-dog look; he may bark at me if I go near him, or even bite me, by Zeus! Don’t you see how he has his cudgel poised

HERMES Don’t be afraid ; he is gentle.

BUYER First of all, my friend, where are you from?

CYNIC Everywhere.

BUYER What do you mean ?

CYNIC You see in me a citizen of the world.

BUYER Whom do you take for your pattern ?

CYNIC Heracles.

BUYER Then why don’t you wear a lion’s skin? For as to the cudgel, you are like him in that.

CYNIC This short cloak is my lion-skin; and I am a soldier like him, fighting against pleasures, no conscript but a volunteer, purposing to make life clean.

BUYER A fine purpose! But what do you know best, and what is your business?

CYNIC I am a liberator of men and a physician to their ills; in short I desire to be an interpreter of truth and free speech.

BUVER Very good, interpreter! But if IT buy you, what course of training will you give me ?

CYNIC First, after taking you in charge, stripping you of your luxury and shackling you to want, I will puta short cloak on you. Next I will compel you to undergo pains and hardships, sleeping on the ground, drinking nothing but water and filling yourself with any food that comes your way. As for your money, in case you have any, if you follow my advice you will throw it into the sea forthwith. You will take no thought for marriage or children or native land: all that will be sheer nonsense to you, and you will leave the house of your fathers and make your home in atomb or a deserted tower or even a jar.[*](As did Diogenes ; for his “tub” was really a jar.) Your wallet will be full of lupines, and of papyrus rolls written on both sides. Leading this life you will say that you are happier than the Great King ; and if anyone flogs you or twists you on the rack, you will think that there is nothing painful in it.

BUYER What do you mean by not feeling pain when I am flogged? I am not enclosed in the carapace of a turtle or a crab !

CYNIC You will put in practice the saying of Euripides, slightly revised.

BUYER What saying?

The traits that you should possess in particular are these : you should be impudent and bold, and should abuse all and each, both kings and commoners, for thus they will admire you and think you manly. Let your language be barbarous, your voice discordant and just like the barking of a dog: let your expression be set, and your gait consistent with your expression. In a word, let everything about you be bestial and savage. Put off modesty, decency and moderation, and wipe away blushes from your face completely. Frequent the most crowded place, and in those very places desire to be solitary and uncommunicative, greeting nor friend nor stranger; for to do so is abdication of the empire.[*](Cynic and Stoic cant, meaning that a man cannot mingle with his fellows freely and still be captain of his soul.) Do boldly in full view of all what another would not do in secret ; choose the most ridiculous ways of satisfying your lust ; and at the last, if you like, eat a raw devilfish or squid, and die.[*](See Downward Journey, 7, and the note (p. 15).) That is the bliss we vouchsafe you.

BUYER Get out with you! The life you talk of is abominable and inhuman.

CYNIC But at all events it is easy, man, and no trouble for all to follow ; for you will not need education and doctrine and drivel, but this road is a short cut to fame. Even if you are an unlettered man,—a tanner

BUYER I do not want you for any such purpose, but you might do at a pinch for a boatman or a gardener, and only then if my friend here is willing to sell you for two obols at the outside.

HERMES He’s yours: take him. We shall be glad to get rid of him because he is annoying and loud-mouthed and insults and abuses everybody without exception.

ZEUS Call another; the Cyrenaic in the purple cloak, with the wreath on his head.[*](The Cyrenaic school, which made pleasure the highest good, was founded by Aristippus, who furnished a detail or two to this caricature.) HERMES Come now, attend, everyone! Here we have high-priced wares, wanting a rich buyer. Here you are with the sweetest philosophy, the thrice-happy philosophy! Who hankers for high living? Who'll buy the height of luxury?

BUYER Come here and tell me what you know ; I will buy you if you are of any use.

HERMES Don’t bother him, please, sir, and don’t question him, for he is drunk, and so can’t answer you because his tongue falters, as you observe.

HERMES In general, he is accommodating to live with, satisfactory to drink with, and handy to accompany an amorous and profligate master when he riots about town with a flute-girl, Moreover, he is a connoisseur in pastries and a highly expert cook: in short, a Professor of Luxury. He was educated in Athens, and entered service in Sicily, at the court of the tyrants, with whom he enjoyed high favour. The sum and substance of his creed is to despise everything, make use of everything and cull pleasure from every source.

BUYER You had better look about for someone else, among these rich and wealthy people ; for I can’t afford to buy a jolly life.

HERMES It looks as if this fellow would be left on our hands, Zeus.