Vitarum auctio

But the great thing is that if I wish I can turn you into a stone forthwith.

BUYER How will you turn me into a stone? You are not a Perseus, I think, my dear fellow.

STOIC In this way. Isa stone a substance?

BUYER Yes.

STOIC And how about this—is not an animal a substance ?

BUYER Yes.

STOIC And you are an animal ?

BUYER So it appears, anyhow.

STOIC Then you are a substance, and therefore a stone !

BUYER Don’t say that! Distribute my middle, for Heaven’s sake, and make me a man again.

STOIC That is not difficult. Be a man once more !—Tell me, is every substance an animal?

BUYER No.

STOIC Well, is a stone an animal?

BUYER No.

STOIC You are a substance?

BUYER Yes.

STOIC But even if you are a substance, you are an animal.

BUYER Yes.

STOIC Then you are not a stone, being an animal.

BUYER Thank you kindly ; my legs were already as cold and solid as Niobe’s. Iwill buy you. (Zo uunmes.) How much have I to pay for him?

HERMES Twelve minas.

BUYER Here you are.

HERMES Are you the sole purchaser ?

BUYER No, indeed; there are all these men whom you see.

HERMES Yes, there are many of them, heavy-shouldered fellows, fit associates for the Reaper.

ZEUS Don’t delay ; call another, the Peripatetic.

HERMES (To renivatetic.) I say, you who are handsome, you who are rich! (Yo the buyers.) Come now, buy the height of intelligence, the one who knows absolutely everything !

BUYER What is he like!

HERMES Moderate, gentlemanly, adaptable in his way of living, and, what is more, he is double.

BUYER What do you mean?

HERMES Viewed from the outside, he seems to be one man, and from the inside, another ; so if you buy him, be sure to call the one self “exoteric” and the other “esoteric.”

BUYER What does he know best ?

HERMES That goods are threefold, in the soul, in the body, and in things external.[*](Aristotle, Hth. Nicom. A, 8, 1098 b.) BUYER He has common sense. How much is he?

HERMES Twenty minas.

BUYER Your price is high.

HERMES Not so, bless you, for he himself appears to have a bit of money, so you can’t be too quick about buying him. Besides, he will tell you at once how long a gnat lives, how far down into the sea the sunlight reaches, and what the soul of an oyster is like.

BUYER Heracles, what insight !

HERMES What if I should tell you of other information demanding far keener vision, about sperm and conception and the shaping of the embryo in the womb, and how man is a creature that laughs, while asses do not laugh, and neither do they build houses nor sail boats.

BUYER This is high and helpful information that you tell of, so I shall buy him for the twenty minas.

HERMES Very well.

ZEUS Whom have we left ?

HERMES This Sceptic is still on our hands. Reddy,[*](Pyrrhias (Reddy) is a slave name, brought in for the sake of the pun on the name of the founder of the Sceptic school, Pyrrho.) come here and be put up without delay. The crowd is already drifting away, and there will be but few at his sale. However,—who'll buy this one?

BUYER I will. But first tell me, what do you know?

SCEPTIC Nothing.

BUYER What do you mean by that?

SCEPTIC That in my opinion nothing at all exists.

BUYER Then do not we exist ?

SCEPTIC I don’t even know that.

BUYER Not even that you yourself exist ?

SCEPTIC I am far more uncertain about that.

BUYER Oh, what a state of doubt? But what are these scales of yours for ?

SCEPTIC I weigh arguments in them and make them balance one another, and when I see they are

precisely alike and equal in weight, then, ah! then I do not know which is the truer.

BUYER What else can you do fairly well ?

SCEPTIC Everything except catch a runaway slave.

BUYER Why can’t you do that?

SCEPTIC Because, my dear sir, I am unable to apprehend anything.[*](The same joke is cracked by Lucian in the True Story, 2, 18, at the expense of the New Academy.) BUYER Of course, for you look to be slow and lazy. But what is the upshot of your wisdom ?

SCEPTIC Ignorance, and failure of hearing and vision.

BUYER Then you mean being both deaf and blind?

SCEPTIC Yes, and devoid of judgement and feeling, and, in a word, no better than a worm.

BUYER I must buy you for that reason. (Zo uenmes.) How much may I call him worth?

HERMES An Attie mina.

BUYER Here you are. (Yo scertic.) What have you to say, fellow? Have I bought you?

SCEPTIC Doubtful.

BUYER No, indeed, I have bought you and paid the price in cash.

SCEPTIC I am suspending judgement on that point and thinking it over.

BUYER Come now, fellow, walk along behind me as my servant should.

SCEPTIC Who knows if what you say is true?

BUYER The crier, the mina, and the men present.

SCEPTIC Is there anyone here present ?

BUYER Come, I'll chuck you into the mill and convince you that I am your master, with sorry logic!

SCEPTIC Suspend judgement on that point.

BUYER No, by Heaven! I have already affirmed my judgement.

HERMES (To scertic.) Stop hanging back and go with your buyer. (Zo the company.) We invite you all here to-morrow, for we intend to put up for sale the careers of laymen, workingmen, and tradesmen.