Vitarum auctio

ZEUS (To an attendant.) You arrange the benches and make the place ready for the men that are coming. (To another avrenpant.) You bring on the philosophies and put them in line ; but first groom them up, so that they will look well and will attract as many as possible. (Zo nErmeEs.) You, Hermes, be crier and call them together.

HERMES Under the blessing of Heaven, let the buyers now appear at the sales-room. We shall put up for sale philosophies of every type and all manner of creeds; and if anyone is unable to pay cash, he is to name a surety and pay next year.

ZEUS Many are gathering, so we must avoid wasting time and delaying them. Let us begin the sale, then.

HERMES Which do you want us to bring on first ?

ZEUS This fellow with the long hair, the Ionian, for he seems to be someone of distinction.

ZEUS Hawk him now.

HERMES The noblest of philosophies for sale, the most distinguished ; who'll buy ? Who wants to be more than man? Who wants to apprehend the music of the spheres and to be born again ?

BUYER For looks, he is not bad, but what does he know best ?

HERMES Arithmetic, astronomy, charlatanry, geometry, music and quackery; you see in him a first-class soothsayer.

BUYER May I question him?

HERMES Yes, and good luck to you!

BUYER Where are you from?

PYTHAGOREAN From Samos.[*](The birthplace of Pythagoras. Hence the “‘ Pythagorean philosophy” talks Ionic Greek.) BUYER Where were you educated ?

PYTHAGOREAN In Egypt, with the sages there.

PYTHAGOREAN I shall teach thee nothing, but make thee remember.[*](Before centering upon its round of transmigrations, the soul was all-wise ; learning is merely remembering. Socrates expounds this theory in Plato’s Jeno.) BUYER How will you make me remember ?

PYTHAGOREAN First by making thy soul pure and purging off the filth upon it.

BUYER Well, imagine that my purification is complete, what will be your method of making me remember?

PYTHAGOREAN In the first place, long silence and speechlessness, and for five entire years no word of talk.

BUYER My good man, you had better teach the son of Croesus!?[*](One of the sons of Crocsus was mute: Herod. 1. 34, 85.) I want to be talkative, not a graven image. However, what comes after the silence and the five years?

PYTHAGOREAN Thou shalt be practised in music and geometry.

BUYER That is delightful ; I am to become a fiddler before being wise!

PYTHAGOREAN Then, in addition to this, in counting.

PYTHAGOREAN How dost thou count ?

BUYER One, two, three, four—

PYTHAGOREAN Lo! what thou thinkest four is ten, and a perfect triangle, and our oath.[*](Four is ten, because it contains three, two and one, and 1 2 3 4 10. The perfect triangle is ) BUYER Well, by your greatest oath, by Four, I never heard diviner doctrines or more esoteric.

PYTHAGOREAN Thereafter, my friend, thou shalt learn of earth and air and water and fire, what their flux is, and what form they have and how they move.

BUYER Why, has fire form, or air, or water ?

PYTHAGOREAN Yea, very notably, for without shape and form there can be no motion. And in addition thou shalt learn that God is number and mind and harmony.

BUYER What you say is wonderful.

PYTHAGOREAN And beside all that I have said, thou shalt learn

BUYER What’s that? I am another and not this man who now talks to you!

PYTHAGOREAN Now thou art he, but erstwhile thou didst manifest thyself in another body and under another name, and in time thou shalt again migrate into another person.

BUYER You mean that I shall be immortal, changing into many forms? But enough of this.

How do you stand in the matter of diet ?

PYTHAGOREAN I eat nothing at all that hath life, but all else save beans.

BUYER Why so? Do you dislike beans?

PYTHAGOREAN Nay, but they are holy, and wonderful is their nature. First, they are nought but seed of man, and if thou open a bean while it is still green, thou wilt see that it resembleth in structure the member of a man ; and again, if thou cook it and set it in the light of the moon for a fixed number of nights, thou wilt make blood. But more than this, the Athenians are wont to choose their magistrates with beans.[*](The offices were filled by lot, and beans were used for lots. This appears to be Lucian’s own contribution to the Pythagorean mysticism, but the other particulars are not very remote from the actual teachings of the Neo-Pythagoreans, Cf. Porphyr. Vit. Pythag., 44.)

HERMES Ten minas.

BUYER I'll take him at that figure.

ZEUS Write down the buyer’s name and where he comes from.

HERMES He appears to be an Italian, Zeus, one of those who live in the neighbourhood of Croton and Tarentum and the Greek settlements in that quarter of the world. But there is more than one buyer; about three hundred have bought him in shares.[*](A reference to the brotherhood founded by Pythagoras in Magna Grecia, which wielded great political power until it was extirpated in a general revolt about fifty years after the death of Pythagoras.) ZEUS Let them take him away ; let us bring on another.

HERMES Do you want the dirty one over yonder, from the Black Sea ?[*](Diogenes, chief of the Cynics, came from Sinope.) ZEUS By all means.

HERMES You there with the wallet slung about you, you

BUYER Crier, what’s that you say? Are you selling someone who is free ?

HERMES That I am.

BUYER Then aren’t you afraid he may have the law on you for kidnapping or even summon you to the Areopagus ?

HERMES He doesn’t mind being sold, for he thinks that he is free anyhow.

BUYER What use could a man make of him, filthy as he is, and in such a wretched condition? However, he might be made a shoveller or a drawer of water.

HERMES Not only that, but if you make him doorkeeper, you will find him far more trusty than a dog. In tact, he is even called a dog.[*](The name of the sect in Greek means doggish.) BUYER Where is he from, and what creed does he profess ?

HERMES Ask the man himself; it is better to do so.

BUYER I am afraid of his sullen, hang-dog look; he may bark at me if I go near him, or even bite me, by Zeus! Don’t you see how he has his cudgel poised

HERMES Don’t be afraid ; he is gentle.

BUYER First of all, my friend, where are you from?

CYNIC Everywhere.

BUYER What do you mean ?

CYNIC You see in me a citizen of the world.

BUYER Whom do you take for your pattern ?

CYNIC Heracles.

BUYER Then why don’t you wear a lion’s skin? For as to the cudgel, you are like him in that.

CYNIC This short cloak is my lion-skin; and I am a soldier like him, fighting against pleasures, no conscript but a volunteer, purposing to make life clean.

BUYER A fine purpose! But what do you know best, and what is your business?

CYNIC I am a liberator of men and a physician to their ills; in short I desire to be an interpreter of truth and free speech.

BUVER Very good, interpreter! But if IT buy you, what course of training will you give me ?

CYNIC First, after taking you in charge, stripping you of your luxury and shackling you to want, I will puta short cloak on you. Next I will compel you to undergo pains and hardships, sleeping on the ground, drinking nothing but water and filling yourself with any food that comes your way. As for your money, in case you have any, if you follow my advice you will throw it into the sea forthwith. You will take no thought for marriage or children or native land: all that will be sheer nonsense to you, and you will leave the house of your fathers and make your home in atomb or a deserted tower or even a jar.[*](As did Diogenes ; for his “tub” was really a jar.) Your wallet will be full of lupines, and of papyrus rolls written on both sides. Leading this life you will say that you are happier than the Great King ; and if anyone flogs you or twists you on the rack, you will think that there is nothing painful in it.

BUYER What do you mean by not feeling pain when I am flogged? I am not enclosed in the carapace of a turtle or a crab !

CYNIC You will put in practice the saying of Euripides, slightly revised.

BUYER What saying?

The traits that you should possess in particular are these : you should be impudent and bold, and should abuse all and each, both kings and commoners, for thus they will admire you and think you manly. Let your language be barbarous, your voice discordant and just like the barking of a dog: let your expression be set, and your gait consistent with your expression. In a word, let everything about you be bestial and savage. Put off modesty, decency and moderation, and wipe away blushes from your face completely. Frequent the most crowded place, and in those very places desire to be solitary and uncommunicative, greeting nor friend nor stranger; for to do so is abdication of the empire.[*](Cynic and Stoic cant, meaning that a man cannot mingle with his fellows freely and still be captain of his soul.) Do boldly in full view of all what another would not do in secret ; choose the most ridiculous ways of satisfying your lust ; and at the last, if you like, eat a raw devilfish or squid, and die.[*](See Downward Journey, 7, and the note (p. 15).) That is the bliss we vouchsafe you.

BUYER Get out with you! The life you talk of is abominable and inhuman.

CYNIC But at all events it is easy, man, and no trouble for all to follow ; for you will not need education and doctrine and drivel, but this road is a short cut to fame. Even if you are an unlettered man,—a tanner

BUYER I do not want you for any such purpose, but you might do at a pinch for a boatman or a gardener, and only then if my friend here is willing to sell you for two obols at the outside.

HERMES He’s yours: take him. We shall be glad to get rid of him because he is annoying and loud-mouthed and insults and abuses everybody without exception.

ZEUS Call another; the Cyrenaic in the purple cloak, with the wreath on his head.[*](The Cyrenaic school, which made pleasure the highest good, was founded by Aristippus, who furnished a detail or two to this caricature.) HERMES Come now, attend, everyone! Here we have high-priced wares, wanting a rich buyer. Here you are with the sweetest philosophy, the thrice-happy philosophy! Who hankers for high living? Who'll buy the height of luxury?

BUYER Come here and tell me what you know ; I will buy you if you are of any use.

HERMES Don’t bother him, please, sir, and don’t question him, for he is drunk, and so can’t answer you because his tongue falters, as you observe.

HERMES In general, he is accommodating to live with, satisfactory to drink with, and handy to accompany an amorous and profligate master when he riots about town with a flute-girl, Moreover, he is a connoisseur in pastries and a highly expert cook: in short, a Professor of Luxury. He was educated in Athens, and entered service in Sicily, at the court of the tyrants, with whom he enjoyed high favour. The sum and substance of his creed is to despise everything, make use of everything and cull pleasure from every source.

BUYER You had better look about for someone else, among these rich and wealthy people ; for I can’t afford to buy a jolly life.

HERMES It looks as if this fellow would be left on our hands, Zeus.

ZEUS Remove him ; bring on another—stay ! those two, the one from Abdera who laughs and the one from Ephesus who cries, for I want to sell them together.[*](The Schools of Democritus of Abdera, the propounder of the atomic theory, and of Heraclitus of Ephesus, who originated the doctrine of the flux; he held that fire is the first principle, and its manifestations continually change, so that nothing isstable. Both representatives talk Ionic Greck.)

BUYER Zeus ! What a contrast! One of thei never stops laughing, and the other is apparently mourning a death, as he weeps incessantly. What is the matter, man? Why are you laughing?

DEMOCRITEAN Dost thou need to ask? Because to me it seemeth that all your affairs are laughable, and yourselves as well.

BUYER What, are you laughing at us all, and do you think nothing of our affairs?

DEMOCRITEAN Even so; for there is nothing serious in them, but everything is a hollow mockery, drift of atoms, infinitude.

BUYER No indeed, but you yourself are a hollow mockery in very truth and an infinite ass.

Oh, what effrontery! Will you never stop laughing? (Zo the other.) But you, why do youcry? For I think it is much more becoming to talk with you.

HERACLITEAN Because I consider, O stranger, that the affairs of man are woeful and tearful, and there is naught in them that is not foredoomed; therefore I pity and grieve for men. And their present woes I do not consider great, but those to come in future will be wholly bitter; I speak of the great conflagrations

BUYER And what is Eternity ?

HERACLITEAN A child playing a game, moving counters, in discord, in concord.

BUYER What are men?

HERACLITEAN Mortal gods.

BUYER And the Gods ?

HERACLITEAN Immortal men.

BUYER Are you telling riddles, man, or making conundrums? You are just like Apollo, for you say nothing plainly.[*](Heraclitus was nicknamed ὁ σκοτεινός, “the Obscure.”) HERACLITEAN Because you matter naught to me.

BUYER Then nobody in his sense will buy you.

HERACLITEAN I bid ye go weep, one and all, buy you or buy you not.

HERMES They are left unsold also.

ZEUS Put up another.

HERMES Do you want the Athenian over there, who has so much to say?[*](Both Socrates and Plato contribute to the picture of the typical Academic. Consequently some editors, misled by the manuscripts (see introductory note) ascribe the part of Academic to Socrates, some to Plato, and some divide it between the two.) ZEUS By all means.

HERMES Come here, sir. We are putting up a righteous and intelligent philosophy. Who'll buy the height of sanctity ?

BUYER Tell me what you know best ?

ACADEMIC I am a lover, and wise in matters of love.

BUYER How am I to buy you, then? What I wanted was a tutor for my son, who is handsome.

ACADEMIC But who would be more suitable than I to associate with a handsome lad? It is not the body I love, it is the soul that I hold beautiful. As a matter of

ACADEMIC But I swear to you by the dog and the plane-tree that this is so.

BUYER Heracles! What curious gods!

ACADEMIC What is that you say? Don’t you think the dog is a god? Don’t you know about Anubis in Egypt, how great he is, and about Sirius in the sky and Cerberus in the world below ?

BUYER Quite right ; I was entirely mistaken. But what is your manner of life?

ACADEMIC I dwell in a city that I created for myself, using an imported constitution and enacting statutes of my own.[*](The allusion is to Plato’s Republic.) BUYER I should like to hear one of your enactments.

ACADEMIC Let me tell you the most important one, the view

BUYER You mean by this that you have abolished the laws against adultery ?

ACADEMIC Yes, and in a word, all this pettiness about such matters.

BUYER What is your attitude as to pretty boys?

ACADEMIC Their kisses shall be a guerdon for the bravest after they have done some splendid, reckless deed.

BUYER My word, what generosity! And what is the gist of your wisdom ?

ACADEMIC My “ideas”; I mean the patterns of existing things: for of everything that you behold, the earth, with all that is upon it, the sky, the sea, invisible images exist outside the universe.

BUYER Where do they exist ?

ACADEMIC Nowhere ; for if they were anywhere, they would not be.[*](As space cannot be predicated of anything outside the univerge, it cannot be predicated of the Platonic Ideas. To do so would be to make them phenomena instead of realities, for nothing in the universe is real.) BUYER I do not see these patterns that you speak of.

BUYER Then I must buy you for your wisdom and your sharp sight. (Zo Hermes.) Come, let’s see what price you will make me for him?

HERMES Give me two talents.

BUYER He is sold to me at the price you mention, But I will pay the money later on.

HERMES What is your name?

BUYER Dion of Syracuse.[*](Chosen for mention, because he was Plato’s pupil.) HERMES He is yours; take him, with good luck to you. Epicurean, I want you now. Who will buy him? He is a pupil of the laugher yonder and of the drunkard, both of whom we put up a short time ago.[*](The Epicureans took over the atomic theory from Democritus and the idea that pleasure is the highest good from the Cyrenaics.) In one way, however, he knows more than they, because he is more impious. Besides, he is agreeable and fond of good eating.

BUYER What is his price?

HERMES Two minas.

HERMES He eats sweets and honey-cakes, and, above all, figs.

BUYER No trouble about that; we shall buy him cakes of pressed figs from Caria.

ZEUS Call another, the one over there with the cropped head, the dismal fellow from the Porch.

HERMES Quite right; at all events it looks as if the men who frequent the public square were waiting for him in great numbers.[*](Lucian means that the Stoic philosophy was in high favour with statesmen, lawyers, and men of affairs generally.) I sell virtue itself, the most perfect of philosophies. Who wants to be the only one to know everything ?

BUYER What do you mean by that?

HERMES That he is the only wise man, the only handsome man, the only just man, brave man, king, orator, rich man, lawgiver, and everything else that there is.[*](Compare Ad summam: sapiens uno minor est Jove, dives,Liber, honoratus, pulcher, rex denique regum,Praecipue sanus,— nisi cum pituita molestast !Horace, Epp. 1, I 106 ff) BUYER Then he is the only cook,—yes and the only tanner or carpenter, and so forth ?