Icaromenippus

Lucian of Samosata

Lucian, Vol. 2. Harmon, A. M., editor. London: William Heinemann, Ltd.; Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1915.

Yet I would have given a great deal if everybody could have found out somehow that I am tremendously rich ; they would be fit to hang themselves over the thing. But what is this? I say,

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what haste they make! They are running up from all sides, dusty and out of breath, for they scent the gold somehow or other. Shall I climb this hill and drive them off with a skirmish fire of stones from above, or shall I break the law to the extent of talking to them just this once, in order that they may be hurt even more by being treated with contempt? That way is better, I think; so let us stand our ground now and receive them. Let me see, who is the first of them? Gnathonides the toady, the man who gave me a rope the other day when I asked for a loan, though often he has spewed up whole jars of wine at my house. I am glad he came: he shall be the first to smart.

GNATHONIDES Didn’t I say that the gods would not neglect an upright man like Timon? Good day to you, Timon, first in good looks, first in good manners and first in good fellowship.

TIMON The same to you, Gnathonides, first of all vultures in voracity and first of all mankind in rascality.

GNATHONIDES You are always fond of your joke. But where are we to dine? I have brought you a new song from one of the plays[*](Literally : “From one of the dithyrambs.” The allusion is anachronistic, for in Timon’s day the dithyramb was not dramatic in character. Cf. Bywater, Aristotle on the Art of Poetry, p. 99.) that have just been put on.

TIMON I assure you, it will be a very mournful dirge that you will sing, with this pick of mine to prompt you.

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GNATHONIDES What’s this? A blow, Timon? I appeal to the witnesses. O Heracles! Oh! Oh! I summon you before the Areopagus for assault and battery.

TIMON If you will only linger one moment more, the summons will be for murder.

GNATHONIDES No, no! Do heal my wound, at least, by putting alittle gold on it. That is a wonderful specific for staunching blood.

TIMON What, are you still bent on staying ?

GNATHONIDES I am going; but you shall be sorry that you left off being a gentleman and became such a boor.

TIMON Who is this coming up, with the bald pate? Philiades, the most nauseous toady of them all. He received from me a whole farm and a dower of two talents for his daughter in payment for praising me once, when I had sung a song and everybody else kept still, but he lauded me to the skies, vowing on his word of honour that I was a better singer than a swan. Yet when he saw me ill the other day and I went up to him and begged for alms, the generous fellow bestowed a thrashing on me.

PHILIADES Oh, what effrontery! So you all recognize Timon now? So Gnathonides is his friend and booncompanion now? Then he has had just what he deserved for being so thankless. But we, who are old acquaintances and schoolmates and neighbours,

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go slow in spite of that, in order not to appear too forward. Good day, sir; be on your guard against these despicable toadies who are only concerned with your table and otherwise are no better than ravens. You can’t trust anybody nowadays; everyone is thankless and wicked. For my part, I was just bringing you a talent so that you might have something to use for your pressing needs when I heard on the way, not far from here, that you were tremendously rich. So I have come to give you this advice. But as you are so wise, perhaps you will have no need of suggestions from me, for you could even tell Nestor what to do in an emergency.

TIMON No doubt, Philiades. But come here, so that I may give you a friendly greeting with my pick !

PHILIADES Help! The ingrate has broken my head because I gave him good advice.