Icaromenippus

“But am I not aware of all the shameful, abominable deeds they do at night, they who by day are dour-visaged, resolute of cye, majestic of mien and the cynosure of the general public? Yet although I see all this, I keep quiet about it, for I do not think it decent to expose and illumine those nocturnal pastimes of theirs and their life behind the scenes. On the contrary, if I see one of them committing adultery or thieving or making bold to do anything else that best befits the night, I draw my garment of cloud together and _ veil my face at once, in order that I may not let the common people see old men bringing discredit on their long beards and on virtue. But they for their part never desist from picking me to pieces in talk and _ insulting me in every way, so that I vow by Night, I have often thought of moving as far away as possible to a place where I might escape their meddling tongues.

“Very well,” said I, and therewith I pressed on upwards along the road to Heaven,

1. ‘Whence there was naught to be seen of the labours of men or of oxen ;

Zeus, however, looked at me with a

1. What is your name, sir, whence do you come, and where is your city and hearth-stone ?

As he walked along he asked me about things on earth, first the usual questions, how much wheat now costs in Greece, whether the last winter hit us hard and whether the crops needed more rain. Then he

When I had answered these questions, he said:

1. “Tell me, Menippus, what opinion do men hold about me?

Pursuing such topics, we came to the place where he had to sit and hear the prayers. There was a row of openings like mouths of wells, with covers on them, and beside each stood a golden throne. Sitting down by the first one, Zeus took off the cover and gave his attention to the people who were praying. The prayers came from all parts of the world and were of all sorts and kinds, for I myself bent over the orifice and listened to them along with him. They went like this; “O Zeus, may I succeed in becoming king!” “O Zeus, make my onions and my garlic grow!” “QO ye gods, let my father die quickly!”; and now and then one or another would say: “O that I may inherit my wife’s property!” “QO that I may be undetected in my plot against my brother!” “May I succeed in winning my suit!” “Let me win the wreath at the Olympic games!”” Among seafaring men, one was praying for the north wind to blow, another for the south wind; and the farmers were praying for rain while the washermen were praying for sunshine. Zeus listened and weighed each prayer carefully, but did not promise everything ;

1. This by the Father was granted and that was denied them.

When he had given sufficient consideration to the prayers, he moved to the next throne and the second opening, leaned down and devoted himself to covenants and people making oaths. After considering these and annihilating Hermodorus the Epicurean, he changed his seat to the next throne to give his attention to omens derived from sounds and sayings and the flight of birds. Then he moved from there to the sacrifice-opening, through which the smoke came up and told Zeus the name of each man who was sacrificing. On leaving the openings, he gave orders to the winds and the weather, telling them what to do: “Let there be rain to-day in Scythia, lightning in Libya, snow in Greece. North Wind, blow in Lydia. South Wind, take a day off. Let the West Wind raise a storm on the Adriatic, and let about a thousand bushels of hail be sprinkled over Cappadocia.”

By this time he had pretty well settled everything, and we went away to the dining-hall, as it was time for dinner. Hermes took me in charge and gave me a place beside Pan and the Corybantes and Attis and Sabazius, those alien gods of doubtful status. Demeter gave me bread, Dionysus wine, Heracles

1. All the others, the gods and the warriors chariot-owning,
2. Slept until morning, pus I was unbound by the fetters of slumber,

When everybody was there, he began to speak : "The reason for calling you together is supplied, of course, by our visitor here of yesterday, but I have long wanted to confer with you about the philosophers, and so, being stirred to action by the moon in particular and the criticisms that she makes, I have decided not to put off the discussion any longer.

“There is a class of men which made its appearance in the world not long ago, lazy, disputatious, vainglorious, quick-tempered, gluttonous, doltish, addle-pated, full of effrontery and to age the language of Homer, ‘a uscless load to the soil.[*](Iliad 18, 1U4.) Well, these people, dividing themselves into schol and inventing various word-mazes, have called themselves Stoics, Academics, Epicurcans, Peripatetics and other things much more laughable than these. Then, cloaking themselves i in the high- sounding name of Virtue, elevating their eyebrows, wrinkling up their foreheads and letting their beards grow long, they go about hiding loathsome habits under a false garb, very like actors in tragedy ; for if you take away from the latter their masks and_ their gold-embroidered robes, nothing is left but a comical little creature hired for the show at seven drachmas.

“But although that is what they are, they look with scorn on all mankind and they tell absurd stories about the gods; collecting lads who are easy to hoodwink, they rant about their far-famed Virtue’ and teach them their insoluble fallacies ; and in the presence of their disciples they always

1. Neither in war nor in council of any account,

But if you were to ask the very man who is straining his lungs and bawling and accusing everybody else: ‘How about yourself? What do you really do, and what in Heaven’s name do you contribute’ to the world?’ he would say, if he were willing to say what was right and true: ¢1 hold it unnecessary to be a merchant or a farmer or a soldier or to follow'y trade; I shout, go dirty, take cold baths, walk abeut barefoot in winter, wear a filthy mantle and like Momus carp at everything the others do. If some rich man or other has made an extravagant outlay on a dinner or keeps a mistress, I make it my affair and get hot about it; but if one of

“That is what these whelps are like, gods.

Moreover, some of them who call themselves Epicureans are very insolent fellows indeed and attack us immoderately, saying not only that the gods do not direct human affairs, -but that they pay no attention at all to what goes on. So it is high time you were bethinking yourselves that if they ever are able to persuade the world, you will go uncommonly hungry; for who would continue to sacrifice to you if he expected to gain nothing by it ?

“As for what the moon finds fault with, you all heard the stranger tell about that yesterday. In view of all this, take such action as may be most advantageous to men and most salutary for ourselves.”

When Zeus had finished this speech the assembly fell into a commotion, and at once they all began to shout: “Blast them,” “Burn them,” “Annihilate them”; “To the pit,” “To Tartarus,” “To the Giants.’ Calling for silence once more, Zeus said: “It shall be as you will; they shall be annihilated, and their logic with them. However, just at present it is not in order to punish anyone, for it is the festival-season, as you know, during the next four months, and I have already sent about to announce the truce of God. Next year, therefore, at the opening of spring the wretches shall die a wretched death by the horrid thunderbolt.”

1. So spake Cronus his son, and he bent black brows to confirm it !

“As to Menippus here," he said, “this is my