Juppiter Tragoedus

Zeus Alas, alack! What an outcry the crowd made, deities, applauding Damis! And our man seems to have lost his head. He is frightened, certainly, and trembling, and on the point of throwing away his shield. He is already looking about for some loop-hole through which he can slip and make his escape.

Timokles Perhaps you do not think that Euripides says anything sound, either, when he introduces the gods themselves upon the stage and shows them engaged in saving the good among

Damis But, most illustrious of philosophers, if the dramatists have convinced you by such means as that, one of two things follows. Either you believe the actors to be for the moment gods, or else the divine masks themselves, and the shoes, and the tunics flowing to the feet, and the cloaks, and the loose sleeves, and the false paunches, and the padding, and all the rest of the apparatus which makes the tragedy impressive, which is most ridiculous, I think. But whenever Euripides speaks his own mind, unforced by the exigencies of the dramas, hear how bold he is:

Timokles Then all mankind and the nations have been deceived in believing in the gods and celebrating their feasts?

Damis It is a good thing, Timokles, that you reminded me of the religious opinions among the nations, the very things which best show that there is no certainty about gods. For there is

Momos Did I not tell you, deities, that all these things would come to light and be rigorously investigated?

Zeus You did, Momos, and your censure was just; and if we escape this present danger, I for one will try to straighten out these matters.

Timokles But tell me, god-forsaken wretch, whose work would you call oracles and prophecies of future events, if not of the gods and their providence?

Damis Hold your peace, my good fellow, on the subject of the oracles, for I shall ask you

Momos The man is enumerating the very things I was most afraid of. Where now is our handsome harper? Go down and defend yourself against these charges of his.

Zeus You strike us when we are down, Momos, finding fault with us now, when the season is past.

Timokles Beware what you are doing, wretched Damis. You are all but overturning the very seats and altars of the gods with your arguments.

Damis No, not all their altars, Timokles; for what harm do they do if they are full of incense and fragrance? But those of Artemis in Tauris I should be delighted to see turned upsidedown, whereon the maiden goddess feasts joyously on the things we wot of.

Zeus Whence has this overwhelming evil come upon us? There is not a divinity that the man stands in awe of. He speaks his mind as freely as a wench in a procession, and he

Momos In truth, Zeus, you would find very few who do not deserve it among us. And surely the man will go on to lay hold of even the very greatest.

Timokles Perhaps you do not hear Zeus thundering, you fighter against the gods?

Damis Of course I hear the thunder; but as to whether it is Zeus who thunders, your knowledge would be more reliable if you had come from somewhere up there among the gods. For travellers from Crete tell us a different story: that a certain tomb is shown in that country, and beside it stands a pillar telling that Zeus will thunder no more, being long since dead.

Momos I knew long ago that the man was going to say that. But, Zeus, why have you turned pale? Why do you tremble so that your teeth chatter? You must take heart and despise such manikins.

Zeus What do you say, Momos? Despise them? Do you not see how large the audience is, and how they are persuaded against us already, and how Damis is leading them away with their ears stopped?

Momos But, Zeus, if you liked you could let down a rope and

Timokles Tell me, wretch, have at sea? you ever been Damis. Yes, often.

Timokles You were carried along then, were you not, either by the wind striking the main-sail and filling the staysail, or by the rowers, while some one person stood at the helm and brought the vessel through in safety?

Damis Certainly.

Timokles Then the ship could not sail unless it was steered; but you imagine that this universe moves along without pilot or guide?

Zeus Well done, Timokles! that is a powerful comparison.

Damis But, Timokles, darling of the gods, you would have seen that our pilot was always devising something to our advantage and making his arrangements at the proper time, and giving his commands to the sailors in good season, and that there was nothing useless or foolish about the ship. On the contrary, everything was altogether useful and necessary to their management of her. But this pilot of yours, whom you suppose to stand at the helm of this great ship, and his crew, do not order a single thing sensibly or as it ought to be. The forestay is hauled aft if it so happens, and the sheets forward. Sometimes the anchors are of gold, while the stern is ornamented with lead. Under water the ship's lines are good, but

And among the sailors themselves you will find that one who is lazy, unskilled, and afraid of his duties draws double or treble pay, while another, who is an expert swimmer and quick to spring to the yards, and who knows the best thing to do in every case, this man is set simply to bale out bilge-water. You will find the same sort of thing among the passengers, too. A worthless rascal occupies the place of honor next the captain, and receives attention. Another, an indecent fellow, or a parricide, or a temple-robber, is honored above others, and has taken possession of the upper deck, while many men of culture are penned together in a corner of the vessel and trodden underfoot by those who are really their inferiors. At any rate, you remarked how Sokrates made the voyage, and Aristeides and Phokion, without either daily bread enough or room to stretch their legs on the bare deck along the hold, and on the other hand how well Kallias and Meidias and Sardanapalos fared in their overweening luxury, spitting on those beneath.

This is the sort of thing that goes on in your ship, sage Timokles, wherefore the shipwrecks are countless. But if any pilot stood at the helm, and kept a lookout and ordered everything, he would know in the first place who were good and who were worthless of the ship's company, and he would apportion to

Momos Things are running with the tide for Damis now, and he is sailing to victory with a fair wind.

Zeus Your metaphor is just, Momos, and Timokles invents no forcible argument. He only ladles out easily refuted commonplaces one after another that are in every one's mouth.

Timokles Well, since you do not think the analogy of the ship very forcible, listen while I cast the last blessed anchor I have, which you will not drag by any device.

Zeus What in the world is he going to say?

Timokles For see now whether my syllogism is fallacious, and whether you can possibly overturn it. If altars exist, gods exist also. But altars certainly exist, therefore gods exist also. What have you to say to that?

Damis Let me have my laugh out first and then I will answer you.

Timokles But it looks as if you would never be done laughing. However, tell me why my speech struck you as ridiculous.

Damis Because you do not perceive that you have slung your anchor on a slender thread, though it is the last blessed one you have. For when you have made fast the proposition "gods. exist" to the proposition "altars exist" you imagine that you have brought it to a safe anchorage. So since you have nothing more blessed to urge let us adjourn at once.

Timokles Do you then admit yourself worsted by crying" Enough?"

Damis Yes, Timokles, for you, like a hardpressed fugitive, have taken sanctuary on your altars, and so, by the blessed anchor, I long to swear a truce with you on these very altars, so that we may no longer wrangle about them.

Timokles You are chaffing me, you grave-robber, you blackguard, you disgusting beast, you knavish slave, you refuse! Don't I know who your father was and your mother, too, and how you strangled your brother, and are an evil-liver and corrupter of lads, you filthy, shameless wretch? Don't run away now, for you are going to get blows from me, too, before you get off. I am going

Zeus Damis is running off laughing, deities, and the other is chasing him with abuse, put out past bearing by Damis's wealth of impertinence, and apparently he is going to clip him in the head with the tile. But what shall we do now?

Hermes It seems to me the comic poet was right when he said:

Zeus However, Hermes, that was a capital remark that Dareios made about Zopyrus. In the same way I, too, would rather have one Damis for my ally than rule ten thousand Babylons.