Juppiter Tragoedus

ZEUS I say, gods! what a shout the crowd raised, applauding Damis! Our man seems to be in a fix.

TIMOCLES I suppose you don’t think that Euripides is telling the truth either, when he puts the gods themselves on the stage and shows them saving the herves and destroying villains and impious fellows like yourself ?

DAMIS Why, Timocles, you doughtiest of philosophers, if the playwrights have convinced you by doing this, you must needs believe either that Polus and Aristodemus and Satyrus are gods for the nonce, or that the very masks representing the gods, the buskins, the trailing tunics, the cloaks, gauntlets, padded paunches and all the other things with which they make tragedy grand are divine; and that is thoroughly ridiculous. I assure you when Euripides, following his own devices, says what he thinks without being under any constraint imposed by the requirements of his plays, you will hear him speaking frankly then :

1. Dost see on high this boundless sweep of air
2. That lappeth earth about in yielding arms ?
3. Hold this to be Zeus, and believe it God.

1. 'Twas Zeus, whoever Zeus is, for I know Him not, except by hearsay.

TIMOCLES Well ‘then, all men and all nations have been mistaken in believing in gods and celebrating festivals ?

DAMIS Thank you kindly, Timocles, for-reminding me of what the nations believe... From that you can discern partitularly well that there is nothing in the theory of gods, for the confusion is great, and some believe one thing, some another. The Scythians offer sacrifice to a scimitar, the Thracians to Zamolxis, a runaway slave who came to them from Samos, the Phrygians to Men, the Ethiopians to Day, the Cyllenians to’ Phales, the Assyrians to a dove, the Persians to fire, and the Egyptians to water. And while all the Egyptians in common have water for a god, the people of Memphis have the bull, the people of Pelusium a wild onion, others an ibis or a crocodile, others a dog-faced god or a cat or a monkey. Moreover, taking them by villages, some hold the right shoulder a god and others, who dwell opposite them, the left; others, half.a skull, and others an earthen cup or dish. Isn’t that matter for laughter, good Timocles?

MOMUS Didn't I tell you, gods, that all this would come out and be thoroughly looked into ?

ZEUS You did, Momus, and your criticism was just. I shall try to set it all right if we escape this immediate danger.

TIMOCLES But, you god-hater, how about the oracles and pre-

DAMIS Don’t say a word about the oracles, my worthy friend, or else I'l ask you which of them you want to cite. The one that Apollo gave the Lydian, which was thoroughly double-edged and two-faced, like some of our Herms, which are double and just alike on both sides, whichever way you look at them ; for what was there to show that Croesus by crossing the Halys would destroy his own kingdom rather than that of Cyrus? And yet the luckless Sardian had paid a. good many thousands for that ambidextrous verse.

MOMUS Gods, the man keeps saying the very things that I most feared. Where is our handsome musician now? (Zo Arotto) Go down and defend yourself to him against these charges !

ZEUS You are boring us to extinction, Momus, with yout untimely eriticism.

TIMOCLES Take care what you are doing, Damis, you miscreant! You are all but upsetting the very temples of the gods with your arguments, and their altars too.

DAMIS Not all the altars, as far as I am concerned, Timocles ; for what harm do they do if they are full of incense and sweet savour? But I should be glad to see the altars of Artemis among the’ Tauvians turned: completely upside down, those on which the maiden goddess used to enjoy such horrid feasts.

1. Takes first one, then the other, the guiltless along with the guilty.

TIMOCLES Then can’t you even hear Zeus when he thunders, Damis, you god-fighter ?

DAMIS Why shouldn’t I hear thunder, Timocles? But whether it is Zeus that thunders or not, you no doubt know best, coming as you do from some place or other where the gods live! However, the people who come here from Crete tell us a different tale, that a grave is pointed out there with a tombstone standing upon it which proves that Zeus cannot thunder any more, as he has been dead this long time.

MOMUS I knew far in advance that the fellow would say that. But why have you become so pale, Zeus, and why do you tremble till your teeth chatter? You should be bold and despise such mannikins.

ZEUS What’s that you say, Momus? Despise them? don’t you see how many are listening, and how they

MOMUS But whenever you like, Zeus, you can let down a cord of gold and

1. Sway them aloft, with the earth and the sea, too, into the bargain.

TIMOCLES Tell me, you scoundrel, have you ever made a voyage ?

DAMIS Yes, often, Timocles.

TIMOCLES Well, you were kept in motion then, were you not, either by-the wind striking the canvas and filling the sails, or else by the rowers, but the steering was done by a single man in ‘command, who kept the vessel safe ?

DAMIS Yes, certainly.

TIMOCLES Then do you suppose that while the ship would not sail if she were not steered, this universe keeps in motion unsteered and unofficered ?

ZEUS Good! Timocles put that very shrewdly, with a valid illustration.

DAMIS Why, Timocles, you superlative admirer of the gods, in the one case you would have seen the captain always planning what had better be done and making ready beforehand and giving orders to the crew, and

Among the sailors themselves you will see that one who is lazy and lubberly and has no heart for his work has a warrant or evena commission, while another who is fearless at diving and handy in manning the yards and best acquainted with everything that needs to be done, is set to pumping ship. So too with the passengers: you'll see some gallows-bird or other sitting on the quarter deck beside the captain and receiving attentions, and another, a profligate, a parricide or a temple-robber, getting inordinate honour and taking up the whole deck of the ship, while a lot of good fellows are crowded into a corner of the hold and trampled on by men who are really their inferiors. Just think, for example, what a voyage Socrates and Aristides and Phocion had, without biscuits enough to eat and without even room to stretch their legs on the bare boards alongside the bilgewater, and on the other hand what favours Callias and Midias and Sardanapalus enjoyed, rolling in luxury and spitting on those beneath them !

That is what goes on in your ship, Timocles, you

MOMUS Things are going finely for Damis now, and he is driving under full sail to victory.

ZEUS Your figure is apt, Momus. Yet Timocles can’t think of anything valid, but launches at him these commonplace, every-day arguments one after another, all of them easy to capsize.

TIMOCLES Well then, as my comparison of the ship did not seem to you very valid, attend now to my sheetanchor, as they call it, which you can’t by any possibility cut away.

ZEUS What in the world is he going to say?

DAMIS After I have laughed to my heart’s content I'll tell you.

TIMOCLES Well, it looks as if you would never stop laughing ; tell me, though, how you thought what I said was funny.

DAMIS Because you do not see that your anchor is attached to a slender string—and it’s your sheetanchor at that! Having hitched the existence of gods to the existence of altars, you think you have made yourself a safe mooring. So, as you say you have no better sheet-anchor than this, let's be going.

TIMOCLES You admit your defeat, then, by going away first ?

DAMIS Yes, Timocles, for like men threatened with violence from some quarter or other, you have taken refuge at the altars. Therefore I vow by the sheetanchor, I want to make an agreement with you now, right at the altars, not to dispute any more on this topic.

TIMOCLES Are you mocking me, you ghoul, you miscreant, you abomination, you gallows-bird, you scum of the earth? Don’t we know who your father was, and

ZEUS One is going away laughing, gods, and the other is following him up with abuse, because he can’t stand the mockery of Damis ; it looks as if he would hithim on the head with the brickbat. But what ofus? What are we to do now?

HERMES It seems to me that the comic poet hit it right when he said :

1. No harm’s been done you if you none admit.

ZEUS Yes, Hermes, but what Darius said about Zopyrus is very much in point too. I myself had rather have this man Damis alone on my side than possess a thousand Babylons.[*](See Herodotus 3, 153 ff.)