Cataplus

CHARON Well, Clotho, we have had this boat all ship-shape and thoroughly ready to sail for some time. The water is baled out, the mast is set up, the sail is hoisted in stops and each of the oars has a lanyard to it, so that as far as I am concerned there is nothing to hinder our getting up anchor and sailing. But Hermes is behind hand; he should have been here long ago. There is not a passenger aboard the ferryboat, as you see, when she might have made three trips to-day by this time, and here it is almost dusk and I haven’t earned even an obol yet. Besides, Pluto will surely think I am taking it easy all this time, when really someone else is to blame. Our honourable guide of souls[*](Hermes.) has had a drink of Lethewater up there if ever a man did, and so has forgotten to come back to us: he is either wrestling a fall with the boys or playing a tune on the lyre or making speeches to show off his command of piflle, or maybe the gentleman is even playing sneak-thief, for that is one of his accomplishments also. Anyhow, he takes

CLOTHO But, Charon, how do you know that he hasn’t found something to keep him busy? Zeus may have wanted to make more use of him than usual in affairs up above. He too is his master.

CHARON Yes, Clotho, but he has no right to go too far in playing the master over joint property, for we on our part have never kept Hermes back when he had to go. No, I know the reason: here with us there is nothing but asphodel and libations and funeral-cakes and offerings to the dead, and all else is misty, murky darkness ; in heaven, however, it is all bright, and there is ambrosia in plenty and nectar without stint, so it is likely that he finds it more pleasant to tarry there. And when he leaves us he flies up as if he were escaping from jail, but when it is time to come down he comes with reluctance, at the last moment, slowly and afoot.

CLOTHO Don’t be angry any longer, Charon; here he is close by, you see, bringing us a lot of people, or I should say waving them along with his wand, all in a huddle, like a herd of goats. But what’s this? There is a man in fetters among them and another who is laughing, I see, and one fellow with a wallet over his shoulder and a club in his hand, who has a piercing eye and hurries the others along. Don’t you see, too, that Hermes himself is dripping with sweat and dusty-footed and panting? In fact, he is

HERMES Why, Clotho, this miserable sinner ran away and I chased him, and so almost failed to make your boat to-day, that’s all!

CLOTHO Who is he, and what was his object in trying to run away?

HERMES That’s easy to see—he preferred to live! He isa king or a tyrant, to judge from his lamentations and the wailing that he makes, in which he makes out that he has had great happiness taken away from him.

CLOTHO So the poor fool tried to run away, thinking that he could live longer, when the thread of life apportioned to him had already run short?

HERMES Tried to run away, do you say? Why, if this splendid fellow, the one with the stick, had not helped me and we had not caught and bound him, he would have got clean away from us. You see, from the moment Atropos turned him over to me he kept straining and pulling back every inch of the way, and as he braced his feet on the ground he was by no means easy to lead; sometimes, too, he would beg and entreat, wanting to be let go for a little while and promising a heavy bribe. Of course I did not let him go, for I saw that what he was after was impossible. But when we were right by the

CLOTHO And we, Charon, were condemning Hermes for neglecting his duty, indeed !

CHARON Well, why do we keep dilly-dallying as though we had not had delay enough already.

CLOTHO Right ; let them get aboard. I will hold the book and sit by the gangway as usual, and as each of them

HERMES Here you are, ferryman, three hundred of them, including those that were abandoned.

CHARON I say, what a rich haul! It’s green-grape dead you have brought us.

HERMES Clotho, do you want us to get the unmourned aboard next ?

CLOTHO You mean the old people? Yes, for why should I bother now to investigate what happened before the food?[*](Literally, "before Euclid,” the Athenian archon of 403 B.C., the year in which the democracy was restored and the misdeeds of the oligarchy obliterated by a general amnesty.) All of you who are over sixty go in now. What’s this? They don’t heed me, for their ears are stopped with years. You will probably have to pick them up and carry them in, too.

HERMES Here you are again, three hundred and _ninetyeight, all tender and ripe and harvested in season.

CHARON Good Lord, yes! They’re all raisins now !

CLOTHO Bring in the wounded next, Hermes. (To the DEAD) First tell me what deaths brought you

HERMES Here they are!

CLOTHO Seven committed suicide for love, among them the philosopher Theagenes for the courtesan from Megara.[*](This man can hardly be other than the Cynic of Patras mentioned in The Passing of Peregrinus, who died in the teign of Marcus Aurelius. To be sure, Galen says he was killed by his doctor (x, p. 909), but he may well have been alive when Lucian wrote this.) HERMES Right here beside you.

CLOTHO Where are the men who killed each other fighting for the throne?

HERMES Here they stand.

CLOTHO And the man who was murdered by his wife and her lover ?

HERMES There beside you.

CLOTHO Now bring in the output of the courts, I mean those who died by the scourge and the cross. And where are the sixteen who were killed by pirates, Hermes ?

CLOTHO By all means, and also those lost at sea, for they died in the same way. And those who died of the fever, bring them in together, too, and their doctor Agathocles along with them.

Where is the philosopher Cyniscus, who was to die from eating the dinner of Hecate and the lustral eggs and a raw squid besides ?[*](The dinner of Hecate (mentioned also in Dialogues of the Dead, 1) was a purificatory offering made at cross-roads and,to judge from Aristophanes (Plutus 594), very well received by the poor. For the use of eggs in purification see Ovid, Ars Amat. ii. 329; Juv. vi. 517. The raw squid is mentioned because Diogenes is said to have died from eating one (Diog. Laert. 156 ap; cf. Philosophers for Sale, 10).) CYNISCUS Ihave been standing at your elbow a long time, kind Clotho. What have I done that you should leave me on earth so long? Why, you nearly ran off your whole spindle for me! In spite of that, I have often tried to cut the thread and come, but somehow or other it could not be broken.

CLOTHO I left you behind to observe and prescribe for the sins of man. But get aboard, and good luck to you. :

CYNISCUS No, by Heaven, not till we have put this man in fetters aboard. I am afraid he may come it over you with his entreaties.

CLOTHO Come, let’s see who he is.

CYNISCUS Megapenthes,[*](“Great woe.”) son of Lacydes, a tyrant.

CLOTHO Aboard with you !

MEGAPENTHES Oh no, good lady Clotho! Do let me go back to earth for a little while. Then [ll come of my own accord, you will find, without being summoned by anyone.

CLOTHO Why is it that you want to go back ?

MEGAPENTHES Let me finish my house first, for the building has been left half-done.

CLOTHO Nonsense! Come, get aboard.

MEGAPENTHES It’s not much time that I ask for, Lady of Destiny ; let me stay just this one day, till I can give my wife directions about my money—the place where I kept my great treasure buried.

CLOTHO It is settled ; you can’t be permitted.

MEGAPENTHES Then is all that gold to be lost?

CLOTHO No, it will not be lost. Be easy on that score your cousin Megacles will get it.

CLOTHO The very man ; and he will outlive you forty years and a little more, taking over your concubines and your clothing and all your plate.

MEGAPENTHES You are unjust, Clotho, to bestow my property on my worst enemies.

CLOTHO Why, did not it formerly belong to Cydimachus, and did not you take it over after killing him and slaughtering his children upon him while the breath was still in his body ?

MEGAPENTHES But it was mine now.

CLOTHO Well, the term of your ownership has now expired.

MEGAPENTHES Listen, Clotho, to something that I have to say to you in private, with nobody else listening. (Yo the others.) You people stand aside a moment. (Yo ctoruo) If you let me run away, I promise to give you a thousand talents of coined gold to-day.

CLOTHO What, you ridiculous creature, have you gold and talents still on the brain ?

MEGAPENTHES And I'll give you also, if you wish, the two winebowls that I got when I put Cleocritus to death ; they are of refined gold and weigh a hundred talents each.

MEGAPENTHES I call you all to witness, the town wall and the docks remain unfinished. I could have finished them if I had lived only five days longer.

CLOTHO Never mind ; someone else will build the wall.

MEGAPENTHES But this request at all events is reasonable.

CLOTHO What request ?

MEGAPENTHES To live only long enough to subdue the Pisidians and subject the Lydians to tribute, and to build myself a huge mausoleum and inscribe on it all the great military exploits of my life.

CLOTHO Why, man, you are no longer asking for this one day, but for a stay of nearly twenty years !

MEGAPENTHES But I tell you I am ready to give bail for my speedy return. If you wish, I’ll even surrender you my beloved as a substitute for myself.

CLOTHO Vile wretch! Have not you often prayed that he night outlast you on earth?

MEGAPENTHES That was long ago, but now I perceive whawi is for the best.

MEGAPENTHES Well, at all events don't refuse me this, Lady of Destiny. ,

CLOTHO What ?

MEGAPENTHES I want to know how things will turn out after my death.

CLOTHO Listen, for it will vex you all the more to know. Midas, your slave, will have your wife ; indeed, he has been her lover a long time.

MEGAPENTHES Curse him, I set him free at her request !

CLOTHO Your daughter will be enrolled among the concubines of the present tyrant, and the busts and statues which the city long ago set up in your honour will all be pulled down and will make everyone who looks at them laugh.

MEGAPENTHES Tell meé, will none of my friends get angry at these doings ?

CLOTHO Why, what friend did you have, and how did you make him? Don’t you know that all those who bowed the knee and praised your every word and deed did so either from hope or from fear, being

MEGAPENTHES But as they poured their libations at our drinking parties they used to pray at the top of their voices that many blessings might descend upon me, saying every one of them that he was ready to die for me if so might be ; in a word, they swore by me.

CLOTHO Consequently, you died after dining with one of them yesterday : it was that last drink he gave you that sent you down here.

MEGAPENTHES Then that is why I noticed a bitter taste. But what was his object in doing it?

CLOTHO You are asking me many questions when you ought to get aboard.

MEGAPENTHES There is one thing that sticks in my throat above all, Clotho, and on account of it I longed to slip back again to the light of day, if only for a moment.

CLOTHO What is that? It must be something tremendous.

MEGAPENTHES As soon as Cario, my valet, saw that I was dead, toward evening he came into the room where I lay, having nothing to do, for nobody was doing anything, not even guarding me, and brought in my mistress Glycerium; they had been on good terms a long time,

CLOTHO Stop threatening and get aboard; it is already time for you to make your appearance in court.

MEGAPENTHES And who will dare to pass judgement on a tyrant?

CLOTHO On a tyrant, no one, but on a dead man, Rhadamanthus. You shall soon see him impose on every one of you the sentence that is just and fits the case. No more delay now!

MEGAPENTHES Make me even a common man, Lady of Destiny, one of the poor people; make me evenaslave instead of the king that once I was. Only let me come to life again!

HERMES Come along now, runaway. (Zo cuanon.) Take this fellow, ferryman, and see here—mind you make sure—

CHARON No fear! he shall be lashed to the mast.

MEGAPENTHES But I ought to sit on the quarter-deck !

CLOTHO For what reason ?

MEGAPENTHES Because I was a tyrant, God knows, and had a regiment of guardsmen.

CYNISCUS Then wasn’t Cario justified in pulling your hair, if you were such a lout? But you'll get small joy of your tyranny if I give you a taste of my club!

MEGAPENTHES What, will a Cyniscus make bold to shake his staff at me? Did I not come within an ace of tricing you up to a cross the other day because you were too free-spoken and sharp-tongued and censorious?

CYNISCUS That is why you yourself will stay triced up to the mast.

MICYLLUS Tell me, Clotho, do you people take no account at all of me? Is it because I am poor that I have to get aboard last?

MICYLLUS The cobbler Micyllus.

CLOTHO So you are aggrieved at having to wait? Don’t you see how much the tyrant promises to give us if we will let him go for a little while? Indeed, it surprises me that you are not equally glad of the delay.

MICYLLUS Listen, kind. Lady of Destiny; I have no great liking for such gifts as the famous one of the Cyclops,—to be promised “T’]l eat Noman last of all.”[*](Odyssey 9, 369.) In truth, be it first, be it last, the same teeth are in waiting. Besides, my position is not like that of the rich; our lives are poles apart, as the saying goes. Take the tyrant, considered fortunate his whole life long, feared and admired by everybody ; when he came to leave all his gold and silver and clothing and horses and dinners and handsome favourites and beautiful women, no wonder he was distressed and took it hard to be dragged away from them. Somehow or other the soul is limed, as it were, to things like these and will not come away readily because it has been cleaving to them long; indeed, the ties with which such men have the misfortune to be bound are like unbreakable fetters. Even if they are haled away by force, they lament and entreat, you may be sure, and although they are bold in everything else, they prove to be cowardly in the face of this journey to Hades. At any rate, they turn back and, like unsuccessful lovers, want to

But as for me, having nothing at stake in life, neither farm nor tenement nor gold nor gear nor reputation nor statues, of course I was in marching order, and when Atropos did but sign to me I gladly flung away my knife and my leather (I was working on a sandal) and sprang up at once and followed her, barefooted as I was and without even washing off the blacking. In fact, I led the way, with my eyes to the fore, since there was nothing in the rear to turn me about and call me back. And by Heaven I see already that everything is splendid here with you, for that all should have equal rank and nobody be any better than his neighbour is more than pleasant, to me at least. And I infer that there is no dunning of debtors here and no paying of taxes, and above all no freezing in winter or falling ill or being thrashed by men of greater consequence. All are at peace, and the tables are turned, for we paupers laugh while the rich are distressed and lament.

CLOTHO Indeed, I noticed some time ago that you were laughing, Micyllus. What was it in particular that made you laugh ?

MICYLLUS Listen, goddess whom I honour most. As I lived next door to Sir Tyrant on earth, I used to see quite distinctly what went on at his house, and I then thought him a very god; for I held him happy when I saw the splendour of his purple, the number of his

And he was not the only one that I laughed at. When I saw the usurer Gnipho groaning and regretting that he had not enjoyed his money but had died without sampling it, abandoning his property to that wastrel Rhodochares, who was nextof kin to him and had the first claim on the estate according to law, I could not control my laughter, : especially when I called to mind how pale and unkempt he always was, with a forehead full of worries, feeling his riches only with the fingers with which he reckoned up thousands and tens of thousands ashe gathered in, little by little, what was soon to be poured out by that lucky dog Rhodochares. But why not gonow? We can finish our laughing during: the sail as we see them crying.

CHARON Hi, fellow! Where are you going so fast? The boat is fullalready. Wait there till to-morrow ; we'll set you across first thing in the morning.

MICYLLUS You are committing a misdemeanour, Charon, in leaving behind you a dead man who is already high. No fear, I'll have you up before Rhadamanthus for breaking the law. Oh, Lord! What hard luck! They are sailing already, “and I'll be left behind here all alone.”[*](The words form a trimeter in the Greek, perhaps a line of comedy.) But why not swim across in their wake? I’m not afraid of giving out and drowning, seeing that I’m already dead! Besides, I haven’t an obol to pay my passage.

CLOTHO What’s this? Wait, Micyllus; you mustn’t cross that way.

MICYLLUS See here, perhaps I'll beat you to the shore.

CLOTHO No, no! Come, let’s row up and take him in. Hermes, lend a hand to pull him in.

CHARON Where shall he sit? The boat’s full, as you see.

HERMES On the shoulders of the tyrant, if you like.

CLOTHO A happy thought, that of Hermes !

CYNISCUS Charon, I may as well tell you the truth here and now. I shan’t be able to pay you your obol when we come to land, for I have nothing more than the wallet which you see, and this club here. However, I am ready either to bale, if you like, or to row; you will have no fault to find if you only give me a stout, well-balanced oar. ,

CHARON Pull an oar ; that will be enough to exact of you.

CYNISCUS Shall I strike up a song, too?

CHARON Yes, by all means, if you know any of the sailors’ chanties,

CYNISCUS I know plenty of them, Charon; but as you see, these people are competing with our music by crying, so that we shall be put out of tune in our song.

THE DEAD (one) Alas, my wealth! (anoTuer) Alas, my farms! (aNoTHER) Alackaday, what a house I left behind me! (anotuer) To think of all the thousands my heir will come into and squander! (aNoruer) Ah, my new-born babes! (anorner) Who will get the vintage of the vines I set out last year ?

MICYLLUS Get out with you! I have no reason to lament while the wind is fair.

HERMES Do cry, however, even if only a little, for custom’s sake,

MICYLLUS Well, I'll lament, then, since you wish it, Hermes. —Alas, my scraps of leather! Alas, my old shoes ! Alackaday, my rotten sandals! Unlucky man that I am, never again will I go hungry from morning to night or wander about in winter barefooted and halfnaked, with my teeth chattering for cold! Who is to get my knife and my awl ?

HERMES Enough weeping ; we are almost in now.