Deipnosophistae

Then you know there is a cook in the Synephebi of Euphron; just hear what a lecture he gives—

1. When, Carion, you a supper do prepare,
2. For those who their own contributions bring,
3. You have no time to play, nor how to practise
4. For the first time the lessons you've received.
5. And you were yesterday in danger too;
6. For not one single one of all your tenches
7. Had any liver, but they all were empty.
8. The brain was decomposed too.—But you must,
9. O Carion, when at any future time
10. You chance a band like this to thus encounter,
11. As Dromon, Cerdon, and Soterides,
12. Giving you all the wages that you ask'd,
13. Deal with them fairly. Where we now are going
14. To a marriage feast, there try experiments.
15. And if you well remember all my rules,
16. You are my real pupil; and a cook
17. By no means common: 'tis an opportunity
18. A man should pray for. Make the best of it,
19. The old man is a miser, and his pay
20. Is little. If I do not find you eating up
21. The very coals, you're done for. Now go in;
22. For here the old man comes himself, behold
23. How like a skin-flint usurer he looks!

But the cook in Sosipater's Liar is a great sophist, and in no respect inferior to the physicians in impudence. And he speaks as follows—

1. A. My art, if you now rightly do consider it,
2. Is not, O Demylus, at all an art
3. To be consider'd lightly;—but alas,
4. 'Tis too much prostituted; and you'll find
5. That nearly all men fear not to profess
6. That they are cooks, though the first principles
7. Of the great art are wholly strange to them;
8. And so the whole art is discredited.
9. But when you meet an honest, genuine cook,
10. Who from his childhood long has learnt the art,
11. And knows its great effects, and has its rules
12. Deep buried in his mind; then, take my word,
13. You'll find the business quite a different thing.
14. There are but three of us now left in Greece;
15. Boidion, and Chariades, and I;
16. The rest are all the vilest of the vile.
17. B. Indeed?
18. A. I mean it. We alone preserve
19. The school of Sicon: he was the great teacher
20. Of all our art: he was the first who taught us
21. To scan the stars with judgment: the great Sicon!
22. Then, next to this he made us architects:
23. He open'd too the paths of physical knowledge;
24. And after this he taught us all the rules
v.2.p.596
25. Of military science; for all these
26. Were but preliminaries accessory
27. To the preeminent, god-like art of cooking.
28. B. I think you mean to choke me, my good friend.
29. A. Not I; but till the boy comes back from market
30. I'll stir you up a little with some rules
31. About your art, since we can never have
32. A more convenient time for talking of it.
33. B. Oh, by Apollo, you're a zealous man.
34. A. Listen, my friend. In the first place, a cook
35. Must the sublimer sciences have learnt:
36. He must know when the stars do set and rise,
37. And why. Moreover, when the sun returns,
38. Causing the long and short days on the earth;
39. And in what figures of the zodiac
40. He is from time to time. For, men do say
41. All fish, and every meat and herb we eat,
42. Have different qualities at different seasons
43. Of the revolving year; and he who knows
44. The principles and reasons of these things
45. Will use each meat when it is most in season;
46. And he who knows them not, but acts at random,
47. Is always laugh'd at most deservedly.
48. Perhaps, too, you don't know wherein the science
49. Of th' architect can bear on this our art.
50. B. Indeed I wondered what it had to do with it.
51. A. I'll tell you:—rightly to arrange the kitchen,
52. To let in just the light that's requisite,
53. To know the quarter whence the winds blow most,
54. Are all of great importance in this business—
55. For smoke, according to which way it goes,
56. Makes a great difference when you dress a dinner.
57. B. That may be; but what need is there, I pray,
58. For cooks to have the science of generals?
59. A. Order is a prevailing principle
60. In every art; and most of all in ours:
61. For to serve up and take away each dish
62. In regular order, and to know the time
63. When quick t' advance them, and when slowly bring,
64. And how each guest may feel towards the supper,
65. And when hot dishes should be set before him,
66. When warm ones, and when regular cold meat
67. Should be served up, depends on various branches
68. Of strategetic knowledge, like a general's.
69. B. Since then you've shown me what I wish'd to know,
70. May you, departing now, enjoy yourself.

And the cook in the Milesians of Alexis is not very different from this, for he speaks as follows—

1. A. Do you not know, that in most arts and trades
2. 'Tis not th' artificer who alone has pow'r
v.2.p.597
3. O'er their enjoyment Those who use them too
4. Contribute all their part, if well they use them.
5. B. How so? Let me, O stranger, understand.
6. A. The duty of the cook is but to dress
7. And rightly season meat; and nothing more.
8. If, then, the man who is to eat his meat,
9. And judge of it, comes in proper time,
10. He aids the cook in that his business.
11. But if he come too late, so that the joint
12. Already roasted must be warm'd again,
13. Or if he come too soon, so that the cook
14. Is forced to roast the meat with undue haste,
15. He spoils the pleasure which he might have had
16. From the cook's skill by his unpunctuality.
17. I class a cook among philosophers;
18. You're standing round; my fire is alight;
19. See how the numerous dogs of Vulcan's pack
20. Leap to the roof; . . . . .
21. . . . . . . You know what happens next:
22. And so some unforeseen necessity
23. Has brought on us alone this end of life.

But Euphron, whom I mentioned a little while ago, O judges, (for I do not hesitate to call you judges, while awaiting the decision of your sense,) in his play called the Brothers, having represented a certain cook as a well-educated man of extensive learning, and enumerating all the artists before his time, and what particular excellence each of them had, and what he surpassed the rest in, still never mentioned anything of such a nature as I have frequently prepared for you. Accordingly, he speaks as follows—

1. I have, ere this, had many pupils, Lycus,
2. Because I've always had both wit and knowledge;
3. But you, the youngest of them all, are now
4. Leaving my house an all-accomplish'd cook
5. In less than forty weeks. There was the Rhodian
6. Agis, the best of cooks to roast a fish;
7. Nereus, the Chian, could a conger boil
8. Fit for the gods: Charides, of Athens,
9. Could season forcemeat of the whitest hue:
10. Black broth was first devised by Lamprias;
11. Sausages rich we owe to Aphthonetus;
12. Euthunus taught us to make lentil soup;
13. Aristion made out whole bills of fare
14. For those who like a picnic entertainment.
15. So, like those grave philosophers of old,
16. These are our seven wisest of all cooks.
17. But I, for all the other ground I saw
v.2.p.598
18. Had been pre-occupied by former artists,
19. First found out how to steal, in such a way
20. That no one blamed me, but all sought at once
21. T' engage my aid. And you, perceiving too
22. This ground already occupied by me,
23. Invented something new yourself—'tis this:—
24. Five days ago the Tenians, grey old men,
25. After a tedious voyage o'er the sea,
26. Did hold a sacrifice: a small thin kid:
27. Lycus could crib no portion of that meat,
28. Nor could his master. Yon compelled the men
29. To furnish two more kids. For as they long
30. And oft survey'd the liver of the victims,
31. You, letting down one unperceived hand,
32. Were impudent enough to throw the kidneys
33. Into the ditch: you raised a mighty tumult:

34. The victim has no kidneys,

    they exclaim'd,
35. And all look'd downcast at-th', unsual want.
36. They slew another and again I saw
37. You eat the heart from out this second victim.
38. You surely are a mighty man; you know it-
39. For you alone have found a way to hinder
40. A wolf (λύκον) from opening his mouth in vain.
41. And 1 yesterday you threw some strings of sausages
42. (Which you had sought all day) into the fire,
43. And sang to the dichordon. And I witness'd
44. That play of yours; but this is merely sport.

I wonder if it was any of these second seven wise men who contrived this device about the pig, so as to stuff his inside without cutting his throat, and so as to roast one side of him and boil the other at the same time. And as we now urged and entreated him to explain this clever device to us, he said,—I will not tell you this year, I swear by those who encountered danger at Marathon, and also by those who fought at Salamis. So when he had taken such an oath as that, we all thought we ought not to press the man; but all began to lay hands on the different dishes which were served up before us. And Ulpian said,—I swear by those who encountered danger at Artemisium, no one shall taste of anything before we are told in what ancient author the word παραφέρω is used in the sense of serving up. For as to the word γεύματα, I think I am the only person who knows anything about that. And Magnus said, Aristophanes in his Proagon says— [*](This is very obscure and corrupt. Casaubon suspects the genuineness of the last four lines altogether.)

1. Why did you not desire him to place
2. The goblets on the board (παραφέρειν)?

1. O Cocoas, bring (παράφερε) me now a goblet full.

1. Let him bring forward (παραφερέτω).

1. He laid the table, then he placed on it (παραφέρων)
2. Good things in wagon loads.

1. Take now of this, and taste (γεῦσαι) it.

1. There there were stations for the horses and asses,
2. And wine to drink (γεύματα οἴνων).

1. Now he drinks wine (οἰνογευστεῖ) and walks about in splendour,
2. Wreathed with flowery garlands.

On this the cook said—I, then, will relate to you now, not an ancient contrivance, but a device of my own, in order that the flute-player may escape being beaten; (for Eubulus, in his Lacedæmonians or Leda, says—

1. But I have heard of this, I swear by Vesta,
2. That when the cook at home makes any blunder,
3. The flute-player is always beaten for it.

1. Whatever blunders now the cook may make,
2. The flute-player receives the stripes for them.)

But as to the word ἐξαίρεσις, my excellent friend Ulpian, Dionysius the comic poet, in his drama called Things having the same Name, speaks thus, representing a cook speaking to his pupils—

1. Come now, O Dromon, if you aught do know,
2. Wise or accomplish'd in your business,
3. Or fit to charm the eyes, reveal it straight
4. To me your master. For I ask you now
5. For a brief exhibition of your skill.
6. I'm leading you into an enemy's country;
7. Come gaily to the charge. They'll weigh the meat
8. And count the joints they give you, and they'll watch you:
9. But you, by boiling them to pieces, will
10. Not only make them tender, but confuse
11. The number of the pieces, so as quite
12. To upset all their calculations.
13. They bring you a fine fish;—his trail is yours.
14. And if you filch a slice, that, too, is yours.
15. While we are in the house: when we've got out
16. It then belongs to me. Th' ἐξαιρέσεις,
17. And all the other parts, which can't be counted,
18. In which you cannot easily be found out,
19. Which may be class'd as parings and as scrapings,
20. Shall make a feast for you and me to-morrow.
21. And let the porter share in all your spoils,
22. That you may pass his gate with his good-will.
23. Why need I say much to a prudent man?
24. You are my pupil, I am your preceptor,
25. Remember this, and come along with me.

And so when we had all praised the cook for the

One, two, three, but where is the fourth, O most excellent Timæus, of those who were guests yesterday, but who are hosts to-day?

An illness has overtaken him, O Socrates,

1. 'Tis a male sphinx, and not a cook, that I
2. Seem to have introduced into my house.
3. For by the gods I swear there's not one thing
4. Of all he says that I can understand,
5. So full is he of fine new-fangled words.
6. For when he first came in, he, looking big,
7. Ask'd me this question—"How many μέροπες [*](μέροπες means properly men speaking articulately, in contradis- tinction to brutes. It is a favourite word with Homer.) now
8. Have you invited here to dinner? Tell me."—

9. How many μέροπες have I ask'd to dinner

   —

10. You're angry.

    —"Do you think that I'm a man
11. To have acquaintance with your μέροπεσ?
12. It is a fine idea, to make a banquet
13. And ask a lot of μέροπες to eat it."

14. Then do you mean there'll be no δαιτύμων (guest)?

15. No Dætymon that I know of.

    —Then I counted—
v.2.p.602
16. There'll be Philinus, and Niceratus,
17. And Moschion, and this man too, and that—
18. And so I counted them all name by name;
19. But there was not a Dætymon among them.

20. No Dætymon will come,

    said I.

    What! no one ?

21. Replied he in a rage, as though insulted
22. That not a Dætymon had been invited.

23. Do you not slay that tearer up of th' earth,

24. Said he,

    the broad-brow'd ox?

    "In truth, not I;
25. I've got no ox to kill, you stupid fellow."

26. Then you will immolate some sheep?

    "Not I,
27. By Jove; nor ox, nor sheep, but there's a lamb."

28. What! don't you know, said he, that lambs are sheep?

29. Indeed,

    said I, "I neither know nor care
30. For all this nonsense. I'm but country bred;
31. So speak more plainly, if you speak at all."

32. Why, don't you know that this is Homer's language

33. My good cook, Homer was a man who had
34. A right to call things any names he pleased;
35. But what, in Vesta's name, is that to us?"

36. At least you can't object when I quote him.

37. Why, do you mean to kill me with your Homer?

38. No, but it is my usual way of talking.

39. Then get another way, while here with me.

40. Shall I,

    says he, "for your four dirty drachmas,
41. Give up my eloquence and usual habits?
42. Well, bring me here the οὐλόχυται." Oh me!
43. What are οὐλόχυται?"

    Those barley-cakes.

44. You madman, why such roundabout expressions?

45. Is there no sediment of the sea at hand?

46. "Sediment Speak plain; do tell me what you want
47. In words I understand."

    Old man,

    says he,
48. "You are most wondrous dull; have you no salt?
49. That's sediment, and that you ought to know;
50. Bring me the basin."—So they brought it. He
51. Then slew the animals, adding heaps of words
52. Which not a soul of us could understand,
53. μίστυλλα, μοίρας,σίπτυχʼ, ὀβελούς[*](These are words applied by Homer to sacrifices.—μοῖρα is a portion, and ὀβελὸς a spit; but μίστυλλα is only a word derived from Homer's verb μιστύλλω, (from which Aemilianus, a friend of Martial, called his cook Mistyllus,) and δίπτυχα is used by Homer as an adverb.)
54. So that I took Philetas' Lexicon down,
55. To see what each of all these words did mean.
56. And then once more I pray'd of him to change,
57. And speak like other men; by earth I swear,
58. Persuasion's self could not have work'd on him.

But the race of cooks are really very curious for the most part about the histories and names of things. Accordingly the most learned of them say,

The knee is nearer than

v.2.p.603

the leg,

I have travelled over Asia and Europe:

It is impossible to make a Peleus out of an Œneus.

1. A. He boil'd, it seem'd to me, some pork, from off
2. A pig who died by suffocation.
3. B. That's nice.
4. A. And then he scorch'd it at the fire.
5. B. Never mind that; that can be remedied.
6. A. How so?
7. B. Take some cold vinegar, and pour it
8. Into a plate. Dost heed me Then take up
9. The dish while hot and put it in the vinegar;
10. For while 'tis hot 'twill draw the moisture up
11. Through its material, which is porous all;
12. And so fermenting, like a pumice-stone,
13. 'Twill open all its spongy passages,
14. Through which it will imbibe new moisture thoroughly.
15. And so the meat will cease to seem dried up,
16. But will be moist and succulent again.
17. A. O Phœbus, what a great physician's here!
18. O Glaucias!—I will do all you tell me.
19. B. And serve them, when you do serve them up,
20. (Dost mark me?) cold; for so no smell too strong
21. Will strike the nostrils; but rise high above them.
22. A. It seems to me you're fitter to write books
23. Than to cook dinners; since you quibble much
24. In all your speeches, jesting on your art.

And now we have had enough of cooks, my feasters; lest perhaps some one of them, pluming himself and quoting the Morose Man of Menander, may spout such lines as these—

1. No one who does a cook an injury
2. Ever escapes unpunish'd; for our art
3. Is a divine and noble one.

1. I place before you now a lamb entire,
2. Well skewer'd, and well cook'd and season'd;
3. Some porkers in their skins, and roasted whole;
4. And a fine goose stuff'd full, like Dureus.

We must now speak of the goose. For as many geese were served up very excellently dressed, some one said, Look at the fat geese (σιτευτοὶ χῆνες). And Ulpian said, Where do you ever find the expression σιτευτὸς χήν? And Plutarch

1. But if a person were to take me like
2. A fatted goose (χῆνα σιτευτόν).

1. And at the same time dress the young of one
2. Fat goose (σιτευτοῦ χῆνος), and let him too be roasted thoroughly.

1. Geese-feeders, cow-herds . . . .

And Homer uses the word χὴν in both the masculine and feminine gender; for he says—

1. αἰετὸς ἀργὴν χῆνα φέρων–An eagle carrying off a lazy goose.

1. And as he seized a fine home-fatten'd goose (χῆνα ἀτιταλλομένην).

1. I've twenty geese, fond of the lucid stream,
2. Who in my house eat wheat, and fatten fast.

1. If you have not a goose's liver or heart.

There were also heads of pigs split in half and served up as a dish. And this dish is mentioned by Crobylus, in his Son falsely held to be Supposititious—

1. There came in half a head of a young pig,
2. A tender dish; and I did stick to it
3. So close, by Jove, that I left none of it.

1. O Chians, wondrous is the insolence
2. Which now has seized the Erythreans' hearts.
3. Flee when you've done your pork-don't wait for beef.

1. Then, after all these things, a slave came in,
2. Bearing a large dish full of testicles;
3. And all the rest of the girls made prudish faces,
4. But fair Gnathæna, that undoer of men,
5. Laughed, and said, "Capital things are testicles,
6. I swear by Ceres." So she took a pair
7. And ate them up: so that the guests around
8. Fell back upon their chairs from laughing greatly.

And when some one said that a cock dressed with a sauce of oil and vinegar (ὀξυλίπαρον) was a very good bird, Ulpian, who was fond of finding fault, and who was reclining on a couch by himself, eating little, but watching the rest of the guests, said—What is that ὀξυλίπαρον you speak of? unless indeed you give that name to the small figs called κόττανα and lepidium, which are both national food of mine. —But Timocles, he replied, the comic poet, in his play called The Ring, mentions ὀξυλίπαρον, saying—

1. And sharks and rays and all the other fish,
2. Which may be dressed in sauce of ὀξυλίπαρον.

1. Fat on the surface, but the rest of their body
2. Is all as dry as wood.

1. But, my friend, now let us dine,
2. After that ask what you choose;
3. For at present I'm so hungry,
4. I can't recollect a thing.

1. And in return for this I now will take
2. All you my brave companions; and will pound,
3. And boil, and broil, and roast you thoroughly,
4. In pickle, sour pickle (ὀξάλμη), garlic pickle,
5. Soaking you thoroughly in each by turns.
6. And that one which does seem most fairly roasted
7. I'll do the honour to devour myself.

1. Breathe on me, and then put me in hot pickle (ὀξάλμη).

And of living people we ourselves use the word ὀψάριον. Plato does so too; speaking of fish in his Pisander, he says—

1. A. Now eating . . . .
2. B. What on earth? . . .
3. A. Why, all there is;
4. Fish (ὀψάριον).
5. B. You were sick, and did they give you this?
6. A. But I, the other day, eating a crab . . . .

1. Some one has served us up this dish of fish (τʼ ὀψάριον).

1. It is not right to cheat us in this way,
2. Nor to have worthless fish (ὀψάρια).

1. I offered Boreas much frankincense,
2. And yet I did not catch one single fish (0ʼψάριον),
3. So I must now cook lentils for my supper.

1. Having some fish (ὀψάριον) for breakfast.

1. Some fishmonger
2. Sold me'some tench for four drachmas a-piece.

1. I now, O Dion, will buy you some fish (ὀψάριον).

1. Now dress, O boy, the fish (τοὐψάριον) for us.

1. Unless on all occasions you do soothe me
2. With dainty dishes of fish (ὀψαρίου).

1. A. Do you prefer your high made dishes hot,
2. Or cold, or something just between the two?
3. B. Cold.
4. A. Are you sure, my master? only think;
5. The man has not one notion how to live?
6. Am I to serve you everything up cold?
7. B. By no means.
8. A. Will you, then, have all things hot
9. B. O Phœbus!
10. A. Then, if neither hot nor cold,
11. They surely must be just between the two;
12. And none of all my fellows can do this.
13. B. I dare say not, nor many other things
14. Which you can do.
15. A. I'll tell you now, for I
16. Give all the guests an opportunity
17. To practise a wise mixture of their food.
18. Have you not, I adjure you by the gods,
19. Just slain a kid?
20. B. Don't cut me, cut the meat:—
21. Boys, bring the kid.
22. A. Is there a kitchen near?
23. B. There is.
24. A. And has it got a chimney too?
25. For this you do not say.
26. B. It has a chimney.
27. A. But if it smokes, it will be worse than none.
28. B. The man will kill me with his endless questions.

These passages I have quoted to you on the part of us who are still alive, my well-fed friend Ulpian. For you too, as it seems to me, agree so far with Alexis as to eat no living animals. And Alexis, in his Attic Woman, speaks in the following manner—

1. The man who first did say that no philosopher
2. Would eat of living things, was truly wise.
v.2.p.608
3. For I am just come home, and have not bought
4. A living thing of any kind. I've bought
5. Some fish, but they were dead, and splendid fish.
6. Then here are joints of well-fed household lamb,
7. But he was killed last week. What else have I?
8. Oh, here's some roasted liver. If there be
9. A man who can this liver prove to have
10. Or soul or voice or animation,
11. I will confess I've err'd and broken the law.

1. Rising at early morn to sail . . . .

And Myrtilus said,—On this condition I will tell you. Amphis uses the word ὀλβιογάστωρ in his Gynæcomania, where he speaks as follows:—

1. Eurybates, you hunter of rich smells,
2. You surely are the most well-fed (ὀλβιογάστωρ) of men.

1. A. What now is this bird which we here behold?
2. Will you not say?
3. B. I think it is a pheasant.

1. The Phasian flocks, bred by Leogoras.

1. And as the proverb runs, it is more rare
2. Than milk of birds, or than a splendid pheasant
3. Artistically pluck'd.

There is also some such difference as this in birds. For the heavy birds which are not so well suited for flying such as the woodcock, the partridge, the cock, and the pheasant, are very well adapted for walking and have thick plumage.

Now of birds there are some which are fond of dusting themselves, and some which are fond of washing, and some which neither dust nor wash themselves. And those which are not good flyers, but which keep chiefly on the ground, are fond of dusting themselves; such as the common fowl, the partridge, the woodcock, the pheasant, the lark.

But Agatharchides of Cnidos, in the thirty-fourth book of his History of the Affairs of Europe, speaking of the river Phasis, writes as follows:—

But the great multitude of the birds called pheasants (φασιανοι) come for the sake of food to the places where the mouths of the rivers fall into the sea.

Then there were brought on in cases parrots, and peacocks, and guinea-fowl, and pheasants, and an immense number of Aethiopian birds.

The next thing to be mentioned is the woodcock. Aristophanes, in his Storks, says—

1. The woodcock, most delicious meat to boil,
2. Fit dish for conqueror's triumphal feast.

The woodcock having been transported into Egypt from Lydia, and having been let loose in the woods there, for some time uttered a sound like a quail: but after the river got low, and a great scarcity arose, in which a great many of the natives of the country died, they never ceased uttering, as they do to this day, in a voice more distinct than that of the very clearest speaking children, ' Threefold evils to the wicked doers.' But when they are caught it is not only impossible to tame them, but they even cease to utter any sound at all; but if they are let go again, they recover their voice.

1. Not eating woodcocks or the timid hare.

There is also a bird called the porphyrion. And it is well known that this bird is mentioned by Aristophanes. And Polemo, in the fifth book of his treatise addressed to Antigonus and Adæus, says that the bird called the porphyrion, when it is kept in a house, watches those women who have husbands very closely; and has such instantaeous perception of any one who commits adultery, that, when it perceives it, it gives notice of it to the master of the house, cutting its own existence short by hanging itself. And, says he, it never partakes of food before it has walked all round the place seeking for some spot which may suit it; land then it dusts itself there, and washes itself, and after that it feeds. And Aristotle says that it has cloven feet, and that it is of a dark blue colour, with long legs, with a beak of a scarlet colour beginning at its very head; of about the size of a cock of the common poultry-breed; and it has a small Gullet, on which account it seizes its food with its foot, and divides it into diminutive morsels. And it drinks greedily and it has five toes on each foot, of which the middle one is the largest. But Alexander the Myndian, in the second book of his treatise on the History of Birds, says that the bird comes originally from Libya, and that it is sacred to the gods of Libya.

There is also another bird called the porphyris. Callimachus, in his treatise on Birds, says that the porphyris is different from the porphyrion, and enumerates the two birds separately. And he says that the porphyrion takes its food while hiding itself in darkness, so that no one may see it; for it hates those who come near its food. And Aristophanes also mentions the porphyris in his drama entitled The Birds. And Ibycus speaks of some birds which he calls lathipor-phyrides, and says; There are some variegated ducks with purple necks which frequent the highest branches of the trees; and the birds called lathiporphyrides with variegated necks, and king-fishers with extended wings." And in another place he says—

1. You're always bearing me aloft, my mind,
2. Like some bold porphyris, with out-stretch'd wings.