Conjugalia Praecepta
Plutarch
Plutarch. Moralia, Vol. II. Babbitt, Frank Cole, translator. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press; London: William Heinemann Ltd., 1928 (printing).
The woman who is afraid to laugh and jest a bit with her husband, lest possibly she appear bold and wanton, is no different from one who will not use oil on her head lest she be thought to use perfume, or from one who will not even wash her face lest she be thought to use rouge. But we observe both poets and public speakers, such as try to avoid vulgarity, narrowness, and affectation in their diction, employing all artistry to move and stir the
hearer by means of their subject matter, their handling of it, and their portrayal of characters. So too the mistress of the household, just because she avoids and deprecates everything extravagant, meretricious, and ostentatious (and she does well to do so), ought all the more, in the graces of her character and daily life, to employ all artistry upon her husband, habituating him to what is honourable and at the same time pleasant. However, if a woman is naturally uncompromising, arbitrary, and unpleasant, the husband must be considerate, and do as Phocion did when Antipater prescribed for him a dishonourable and unbecoming course of action. Phocion said, You cannot use me as a friend and flatterer both, [*](Cf.Moralia, 64 C, 188 F, 533 D; Plutarch’s Life of Phocion, chap. xxx. (p. 755 B); Life of Agis, chap. ii. (p. 795 E).) and so the husband must reason about his virtuous and uncompromising wife, I cannot have the society of the same woman both as wife and as paramour.The women of Egypt, by inherited custom, were not allowed to wear shoes,[*](This is quite contrary to the classical Greek tradition (Herodotus, ii. 35; Sophocles, Oedipus Coloneus 339), which errs just as badly in the other direction.) so that they should stay at home all day; and most women, if you take from them gold-embroidered shoes, bracelets, anklets, purple, and pearls, stay indoors.
Theano,[*](Wife of Pythagoras the philosopher. The story is told a little more fully by Clement of Alexandria, Stromata, iv. p. 522 c. ) in putting her cloak about her exposed her arm. Somebody exclaimed, A lovely arm. But not for the public, said she. Not only the arm of the virtuous woman, but her speech as well, ought to be not for the public, and she ought to be modest and guarded about saying anything
in the hearing of outsiders, since it is an exposure of herself; for in her talk can be seen her feelings, character, and disposition.Pheidias made the Aphrodite of the Eleans with one foot on a tortoise,[*](Pausanias, vi. 25. 1; cf. also Plutarch, Moralia, 381 E. Roscher, Lexikon d. gr. u. rom. Mythologie, i. p. 412, mentions two ancient bronzes, one Greek and one Etruscan, in which Aphrodite is represented with one foot on a tortoise.) to typify for womankind keeping at home and keeping silence. For a woman ought to do her talking either to her husband or through her husband, and she should not feel aggrieved if, like the flute-player, she makes a more impressive sound through a tongue not her own.
Rich men and princes by conferring honours on philosophers adorn both themselves and the philosophers; but, on the other hand, philosophers by paying court to the rich do not enhance the repute of the rich but lower their own. So is it with women also; if they subordinate themselves to their husbands, they are commended, but if they want to have control, they cut a sorrier figure than the subjects of their control. And control ought to be exercised by the man over the woman, not as the owner has control of a piece of property, but, as the soul controls the body, by entering into her feelings and being knit to her through goodwill. As, therefore, it is possible to exercise care over the body without being a slave to its pleasures and desires, so it is possible to govern a wife, and at the same time to delight and gratify her.
Philosophers [*](Undoubtedly the Stoic philosophers are meant;Cf.Moralia, 426 A.) say of bodies that some are composed of separate elements, as a fleet or an army, others of elements joined together, as a house or a ship, and still others form together an intimate union,
as is the case with every living creature. In about the same way, the marriage of a couple in love with each other is an intimate union; that of those who marry for dowry or children is of persons joined together: and that of those who merely sleep in the same bed is of separate persons who may be regarded as cohabiting, but not really living together. [*](The meaning of this passage is made quite clear by No. 4 of the fragmenta incerta of the Moralia , in vol. vii. of Bernardakis’s edition, p. 151, and Musonius, pp. 67-68 of O. Hense’s edition - Stobaeus, Florilegium, lxix. 23.) As the mixing of liquids, according to what men of science say, extends throughout their entire content, so also in the case of married people there ought to be a mutual amalgamation of their bodies, property, friends, and relations. In fact, the purpose of the Roman law-giver [*](Cf.Moralia, 265 E.) who prohibited the giving and receiving of presents between man and wife was, not to prevent their sharing in anything, but that they should feel that they shared all things in common.In Leptis, a city of Africa, it is an inherited custom [*](Hieronymus, Adversus Iovinianum, i. chap. xlviii. (vol. ii. p. 292 of Migne’s edition), amplifies this by a reference to Terence, Hecyra, ii. l. 4: All mothers-in-law hate their daughters-in-law. ) for the bride, on the day after her marriage, to send to the mother of the bridegroom and ask for a pot. The latter does not give it, and also declares that she has none, her purpose being that the bride may from the outset realize the stepmother’s attitude in her mother-in-law, and, in the event of some harsher incident later on, may not feel indignant or resentful. A wife ought to take cognizance of this hostility, and try to cure the cause of it, which is the mother’s jealousy of the bride as the object of her son’s affection. The one way to cure this trouble is to create an affection for herself personally on the part of her husband, and at the same time not to divert or lessen his affection for his mother.
Mothers appear to have a greater love for their sons because of a feeling that their sons are able to help them, and fathers for their daughters because of a feeling that the daughters have need of their help. Perhaps, also, because of the honour accorded by man and wife to each other, the one wishes openly to show that he feels greater esteem and affection for the attributes which are more characteristic of the other. And herein there may perhaps be a divergence, but, on the other hand, it is a nice thing if the wife, in the deference she shows, is observed to incline rather toward her husband’s parents than her own, and, if she is distressed over anything, to refer it to them without the knowledge of her own parents. For seeming confidence begets confidence, and love, love.
The generals issued orders to the Greeks in Cyrus’s army,[*](Possibly a confused reminiscence of Xenophon, Anabasis, i. 7. 4, and i. 8. 11.) that if the enemy advanced shouting they should receive them with silence, but, on the other hand, if the enemy kept silent, they should charge against them with a shout. Women who have sense keep quiet while their husbands in their fits of anger vociferate, but when their husbands are silent they talk to them and mollify them by words of comfort .
Euripides [*](Medea, 190. Cf. also Plutarch, Moralia , 710 E.) is right in censuring those who employ the lyre as an accompaniment to wine. For music ought rather to be invoked on occasions of anger and grief rather than to be made an added attraction for those who are engaged in their pleasures. So you two must regard those persons
in error who for the sake of pleasure occupy the same bed, but when they get into some angry disagreement repose apart; they ought, instead, at that time especially to invoke Aphrodite, who is the best physician for such disorders. Such no doubt is the teaching of the poet [*](Adapted from Homer, Il. xiv. 205, 209.) when he represents Hera as saying,I will settle their uncomposed quarrels, Sending them back to their bed to a union of loving enjoyment.