Conjugalia Praecepta
Plutarch
Plutarch. Moralia, Vol. II. Babbitt, Frank Cole, translator. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press; London: William Heinemann Ltd., 1928 (printing).
A wife ought not to make friends of her own, but to enjoy her husband’s friends in common with him. The gods are the first and most important friends. Wherefore it is becoming for a wife to worship and to know only the gods that her husband believes in, and to shut the front door tight upon all queer rituals and outlandish superstitions. For with no god do stealthy and secret rites performed by a woman find any favour.
Plato [*](Republic, p. 462 C. Cf. also Plutarch, Moralia, 484 B and 767 D.) asserts that the state is prosperous and happy in which the people hear mine and not mine most rarely uttered, the reason being that the citizens, so far as in them lies, treat all things of real importance as common property. Much more should such expressions be eliminated from the
married state; save that, as physicians tell us that blows on the left side of the body record the sensation on the right side, so, in the same way, it is a lovely thing for the wife to sympathize with her husband’s concerns and the husband with the wife’s, so that, as ropes, by being intertwined, get strength from each other, thus, by the due contribution of goodwill in corresponding measure by each member, the copartnership may be preserved through the joint action of both. For Nature unites us through the commingling of our bodies, in order that, by taking and blending together a portion derived from each member of a pair, the offspring which she produces may be common to both, so that neither can define or distinguish his own or the other’s part therein. Such a copartnership in property as well is especially befitting married people, who should pour all their resources into a common fund, and combine them, and each should not regard one part as his own and another part as the other’s, but all as his own and nothing as the other’s. As we call a mixture wine, although the larger of the component parts is water, so the property and the estate ought to be said to belong to the husband even though the wife contribute the larger share.Helen was fond of wealth and Paris of pleasure; Odysseus was sensible and Penelope virtuous. Therefore the marriage of the latter pair was happy and enviable, while that of the former created an Iliad of woes for Greeks and barbarians.
The Roman,[*](Cf. Plutarch’s Life of Aemilius Paulus, chap. v. (p. 257 B), and Hieronymus, Adversus Iovinianum, i. chap. xlviii. (vol. ii. p. 292 of Migne’s edition).) on being admonished by his friends because he had put away a virtuous, wealthy,
and lovely wife, reached out his shoe and said, Yes, this is beautiful to look at, and new, but nobody knows where it pinches me. A wife, then, ought not to rely on her dowry or birth or beauty, but on things in which she gains the greatest hold on her husband, namely conversation, character, and comradeship, which she must render not perverse or vexatious day by day, but accommodating, inoffensive, and agreeable. For, as physicians have more fear of fevers that originate from obscure causes and gradual accretion than of those which may be accounted for by manifest and weighty reasons, so it is the petty, continual, daily clashes between man and wife, unnoticed by the great majority, that disrupt and mar married life.King Philip was enamoured of a Thessalian woman who was accused of using magic charms upon him. Olympias accordingly made haste to get the woman into her power. But when the latter had come into the queen’s presence and was seen to be beautiful in appearance, and her conversation with the queen was not lacking in good-breeding or cleverness, Olympias exclaimed, Away with these slanders! You have your magic charms in yourself. [*](Much the same story is told of the wife of Hystaspes by Satyrus in his Life of Euripides (Oxyrhynchus Papyri, ix. p. 157).) And so a wedded and lawful wife becomes an irresistible thing if she makes everything, dowry, birth, magic charms, and even the magic girdle [*](Homer, Il. xiv. 214.) itself, to be inherent in herself, and by character and virtue succeeds in winning her husband’s love.
On another occasion, when a young man of the court had married a beautiful woman [*](Pantica of Cyprus, according to Phylarchus, as quoted by Athenaeus, 609 C.) of bad reputa-
tion, Olympias said, That fellow has no brains; else he would not have married on sight. Marriages ought not to be made by trusting the eyes only, or the fingers either, as is the case with some who take a wife after counting up how much she brings with her, but without deciding what kind of a helpmate she will be.Socrates [*](Attributed to Bias by Stobaeus, Florilegium, iii. 79 ζ, and by Demetrius Phalereus, Sayings of the Seven Wise Men. Other authors (e.g. Diogenes Laertius, ii. 33) assign it to Socrates.) used to urge the ill-favoured among the mirror-gazing youth to make good their defect by virtue, and the handsome not to disgrace their face and figure by vice. So too it is an admirable thing for the mistress of the household, whenever she holds her mirror in her hands, to talk with herself—for the ill-favoured woman to say to herself, What if I am not virtuous? and the beautiful one, What if I am virtuous as well? For if the ill-favoured woman is loved for her character, that is something of which she can be very proud, far more than if she were loved for her beauty.
The Sicilian despot [*](Dionysius according to Plutarch, Moralia, 190 E, 229 A, and Life of Lysander, chap. ii. (p. 439 D). The same story is told of Archidamus in Moralia, 218 E.) sent clothing and jewellery of the costly kind to the daughters of Lysander; but Lysander would not accept them, saying, These adornments will disgrace my daughters far more than they will adorn them. But Sophocles,[*](From an unknown play; cf. Nauck, Trag. Graec. Frag. p. 310, Sophocles, No. 762.) before Lysander, had said this: Adornment! No, you wretch! Naught that adorns ’Twould seem to be—your crazy mind’s desire. For, as Crates used to say, adornment is that which adorns, and that adorns or decorates a woman which makes her more decorous. It is not gold or precious stones or scarlet that makes her such, but
whatever invests her with that something which betokens dignity, good behaviour, and modesty.Those who offer sacrifice to Hera, the Protectress of Wedlock,[*](Cf. O. Gruppe, Griechische Mythologie und Religionsgeschicte, p. 1134; also Plutarch, Frag. 2 of De Daedalis Plataeensibus (in Bernardakis’s edition, vol. vii. p. 44).) do not consecrate the bitter gall with the other parts of the offering, but remove it and cast it beside the altar—an intimation on the part of him who established this custom that bitterness and anger ought never to find a place in married life. For the acerbity of the mistress, like that of wine, ought to be salutary and pleasant, not bitter like that of aloes, nor suggestive of a dose of medicine.
Plato [*](The same advice in Moralia 769 D, in Plutarch’s Life of C. Marius, chap. ii. (p. 407 A), and a slightly different inference in Moralia, 753 C.) advised Xenocrates, who was somewhat churlish in character but otherwise a good and honourable man, to sacrifice to the Graces. It is my opinion that the virtuous woman has especial need of graces in her relations with her husband, in order that, as Metrodorus [*](Cf.Moralia, 753 C.) used to put it, she may live pleasantly with him and not be cross all the time because she is virtuous. The thrifty woman must not neglect cleanliness, nor the loving wife cheerfulness; for asperity makes a wife’s correct behaviour disagreeable, just as untidiness has a similar effect upon plain living.
The woman who is afraid to laugh and jest a bit with her husband, lest possibly she appear bold and wanton, is no different from one who will not use oil on her head lest she be thought to use perfume, or from one who will not even wash her face lest she be thought to use rouge. But we observe both poets and public speakers, such as try to avoid vulgarity, narrowness, and affectation in their diction, employing all artistry to move and stir the
hearer by means of their subject matter, their handling of it, and their portrayal of characters. So too the mistress of the household, just because she avoids and deprecates everything extravagant, meretricious, and ostentatious (and she does well to do so), ought all the more, in the graces of her character and daily life, to employ all artistry upon her husband, habituating him to what is honourable and at the same time pleasant. However, if a woman is naturally uncompromising, arbitrary, and unpleasant, the husband must be considerate, and do as Phocion did when Antipater prescribed for him a dishonourable and unbecoming course of action. Phocion said, You cannot use me as a friend and flatterer both, [*](Cf.Moralia, 64 C, 188 F, 533 D; Plutarch’s Life of Phocion, chap. xxx. (p. 755 B); Life of Agis, chap. ii. (p. 795 E).) and so the husband must reason about his virtuous and uncompromising wife, I cannot have the society of the same woman both as wife and as paramour.The women of Egypt, by inherited custom, were not allowed to wear shoes,[*](This is quite contrary to the classical Greek tradition (Herodotus, ii. 35; Sophocles, Oedipus Coloneus 339), which errs just as badly in the other direction.) so that they should stay at home all day; and most women, if you take from them gold-embroidered shoes, bracelets, anklets, purple, and pearls, stay indoors.
Theano,[*](Wife of Pythagoras the philosopher. The story is told a little more fully by Clement of Alexandria, Stromata, iv. p. 522 c. ) in putting her cloak about her exposed her arm. Somebody exclaimed, A lovely arm. But not for the public, said she. Not only the arm of the virtuous woman, but her speech as well, ought to be not for the public, and she ought to be modest and guarded about saying anything
in the hearing of outsiders, since it is an exposure of herself; for in her talk can be seen her feelings, character, and disposition.Pheidias made the Aphrodite of the Eleans with one foot on a tortoise,[*](Pausanias, vi. 25. 1; cf. also Plutarch, Moralia, 381 E. Roscher, Lexikon d. gr. u. rom. Mythologie, i. p. 412, mentions two ancient bronzes, one Greek and one Etruscan, in which Aphrodite is represented with one foot on a tortoise.) to typify for womankind keeping at home and keeping silence. For a woman ought to do her talking either to her husband or through her husband, and she should not feel aggrieved if, like the flute-player, she makes a more impressive sound through a tongue not her own.
Rich men and princes by conferring honours on philosophers adorn both themselves and the philosophers; but, on the other hand, philosophers by paying court to the rich do not enhance the repute of the rich but lower their own. So is it with women also; if they subordinate themselves to their husbands, they are commended, but if they want to have control, they cut a sorrier figure than the subjects of their control. And control ought to be exercised by the man over the woman, not as the owner has control of a piece of property, but, as the soul controls the body, by entering into her feelings and being knit to her through goodwill. As, therefore, it is possible to exercise care over the body without being a slave to its pleasures and desires, so it is possible to govern a wife, and at the same time to delight and gratify her.
Philosophers [*](Undoubtedly the Stoic philosophers are meant;Cf.Moralia, 426 A.) say of bodies that some are composed of separate elements, as a fleet or an army, others of elements joined together, as a house or a ship, and still others form together an intimate union,
as is the case with every living creature. In about the same way, the marriage of a couple in love with each other is an intimate union; that of those who marry for dowry or children is of persons joined together: and that of those who merely sleep in the same bed is of separate persons who may be regarded as cohabiting, but not really living together. [*](The meaning of this passage is made quite clear by No. 4 of the fragmenta incerta of the Moralia , in vol. vii. of Bernardakis’s edition, p. 151, and Musonius, pp. 67-68 of O. Hense’s edition - Stobaeus, Florilegium, lxix. 23.) As the mixing of liquids, according to what men of science say, extends throughout their entire content, so also in the case of married people there ought to be a mutual amalgamation of their bodies, property, friends, and relations. In fact, the purpose of the Roman law-giver [*](Cf.Moralia, 265 E.) who prohibited the giving and receiving of presents between man and wife was, not to prevent their sharing in anything, but that they should feel that they shared all things in common.In Leptis, a city of Africa, it is an inherited custom [*](Hieronymus, Adversus Iovinianum, i. chap. xlviii. (vol. ii. p. 292 of Migne’s edition), amplifies this by a reference to Terence, Hecyra, ii. l. 4: All mothers-in-law hate their daughters-in-law. ) for the bride, on the day after her marriage, to send to the mother of the bridegroom and ask for a pot. The latter does not give it, and also declares that she has none, her purpose being that the bride may from the outset realize the stepmother’s attitude in her mother-in-law, and, in the event of some harsher incident later on, may not feel indignant or resentful. A wife ought to take cognizance of this hostility, and try to cure the cause of it, which is the mother’s jealousy of the bride as the object of her son’s affection. The one way to cure this trouble is to create an affection for herself personally on the part of her husband, and at the same time not to divert or lessen his affection for his mother.
Mothers appear to have a greater love for their sons because of a feeling that their sons are able to help them, and fathers for their daughters because of a feeling that the daughters have need of their help. Perhaps, also, because of the honour accorded by man and wife to each other, the one wishes openly to show that he feels greater esteem and affection for the attributes which are more characteristic of the other. And herein there may perhaps be a divergence, but, on the other hand, it is a nice thing if the wife, in the deference she shows, is observed to incline rather toward her husband’s parents than her own, and, if she is distressed over anything, to refer it to them without the knowledge of her own parents. For seeming confidence begets confidence, and love, love.
The generals issued orders to the Greeks in Cyrus’s army,[*](Possibly a confused reminiscence of Xenophon, Anabasis, i. 7. 4, and i. 8. 11.) that if the enemy advanced shouting they should receive them with silence, but, on the other hand, if the enemy kept silent, they should charge against them with a shout. Women who have sense keep quiet while their husbands in their fits of anger vociferate, but when their husbands are silent they talk to them and mollify them by words of comfort .
Euripides [*](Medea, 190. Cf. also Plutarch, Moralia , 710 E.) is right in censuring those who employ the lyre as an accompaniment to wine. For music ought rather to be invoked on occasions of anger and grief rather than to be made an added attraction for those who are engaged in their pleasures. So you two must regard those persons
in error who for the sake of pleasure occupy the same bed, but when they get into some angry disagreement repose apart; they ought, instead, at that time especially to invoke Aphrodite, who is the best physician for such disorders. Such no doubt is the teaching of the poet [*](Adapted from Homer, Il. xiv. 205, 209.) when he represents Hera as saying,I will settle their uncomposed quarrels, Sending them back to their bed to a union of loving enjoyment.