Dialogi mortuorum

Menippus My dear coz—for Cerberus and Cynic are surely related through the dog—I adjure you by the Styx, tell me how Socrates behaved during the descent. A God like you can doubtless articulate instead of barking, if he chooses.

Cerberus Well, while he was some way off, he seemed quite unshaken; and I thought he was bent on letting the people outside realize the fact too. Then he passed into the opening and saw the gloom; I at the same time gave him a touch of the hemlock, and a pull by the leg, as he was rather slow. Then he squalled like a baby, whimpered about his children, and, oh, I don’t know what he didn’t do.

Menippus So he was one of the theorists, was he? his indifference was a sham?

Cerberus Yes; it was only that he accepted the inevitable, and put a bold face on it, pretending to welcome the universal fate, by way of impressing the bystanders. All that sort are the same, I tell you—bold resolute fellows as far as the entrance; it is inside that the real test comes.

Menippus What did you think of my performance?

Cerberus Ah, Menippus, you were the exception; you are a credit to the breed, and so was Diogenes before you. You two came in without any compulsion or pushing, of your own free will, with a laugh for yourselves and a curse for the rest.

Charon Your fare, you rascal.

Menippus Bawl away, Charon, if it gives you any pleasure.

Charon I brought you across: give me my fare.

Menippus I can’t, if I haven’t got it.

Charon And who is so poor that he has not got a penny?

Menippus I for one; I don’t know who else.

Charon Pay: or, by Pluto, I'll strangle you.

Menippus And Pll crack your skull with this stick.

Charon So you are to come all that way for nothing?

Menippus Let Hermes pay for me: he put me on board.

Hermes I dare say! A fine time I shall have of it, if I am to pay for the shades.

Charon I’m not going to let you off.

Menippus You can haul up your ship and wait, for all I care. If I have not got the money, I can’t pay you, can I?

Charon You knew you ought to bring it?

Menippus I knew that: but I hadn’t got it. What would you have? I ought not to have died, I suppose?

Charon So you are to have the distinction of being the only passenger that ever crossed gratis?

Menippus Oh, come now: gratis! I took an oar, and I baled; and I didn’t cry, which is more than can be said for any of the others.

Charon That’s neither here nor there. I must have my penny; it’s only right.

Menippus Well, you had better take me back again to life.

Charon Yes, and get a thrashing from Aeacus for my pains! I like that.

Menippus Well, don’t bother me.

Charon Let me see what you have got in that wallet.

Menippus Beans: have some?—and a Hecate’s supper.

Charon Where did you pick up this Cynic, Hermes? The noise he made on the crossing, too! laughing and jeering at all the rest, and singing, when every one else was at his lamentations.

Hermes Ah, Charon, you little know your passenger! Independence, every inch of him: he cares for noone. 'Tis Menippus.

Charon Wait till I catch you——

Menippus Precisely; I'll wait—till you catch me again.

Protesilaus Lord, King, our Zeus! and thou, daughter of Demeter! grant a lover’s boon!

Pluto What do you want? who are you?

Protesilaus Protesilaus, son of Iphiclus, of Phylace, one of the Achaean host, the first that died at Troy. And the boon I ask is release and one day’s life.

Pluto Ah, friend, that is the love that all these dead men love, and none shall ever win.

Protesilaus Nay, dread lord, ’tis not life I love, but the bride that I left new wedded in my chamber that day I sailed away—ah me, to be slain by Hector as my foot touched land! My lord, that yearning gives me no peace. I return content, if she might look on me but for an hour.