Dialogi mortuorum

Menippus In Pluto’s name, Aeacus, show me all the sights of Hades,

Aeacus That would be rather an undertaking, Menippus. However, you shall see the principal things. Cerberus here you know already, and the ferryman who brought you over. And you saw the Styx on your way, and Pyriphlegethon.

Menippus Yes, and you are the gate-keeper; I know all that; and I have seen the King and the Furies. But show me the men of ancient days, especially the celebrities.

Aeacus This is Agamemnon; this is Achilles; near him, Idomeneus; next comes Odysseus; then Ajax, Diomede, and all the great Greeks.

Menippus Why, Homer, Homer, what is this? All your great

Aeacus That is Cyrus; and here is Croesus; beyond him Sardanapalus, and beyond him again Midas, And yonder is Xerxes.

Menippus Ha! and it was before this creature that Greece trembled? this is our yoker of Hellesponts, our designer of Athoscanals?—Croesus too! a sad spectacle! As to Sardanapalus, I will lend him a box on the ear, with your permission.

Aeacus And crack his skull, poor dear! Certainly not.

Menippus Then I must content myself with spitting in his ladyship’s face.

Aeacus Would you like to see the philosophers?

Menippus I should like it of all things.

Aeacus First comes Pythagoras.

Menippus Good-day, Euphorbus, alias Apollo, alias what you will.

Pythagoras Good-day, Menippus.

Menippus What, no golden thigh nowadays?

Pythagoras Why, no. I wonder if there is anything to eat in that wallet of yours?

Menippus Beans, friend; you don’t like beans,

Pythagoras Try me. My principles have changed with my quarters. I find that down here our parents’ heads are in no way connected with beans.

Aeacus Here is Solon, the son of Execestides, and there is Thales, By them are Pittacus, and the rest of the sages, seven in all, as you see,

Menippus The only resigned and cheerful countenances yet. Who is the one covered with ashes, like a loaf baked in the embers? He is all over blisters,

Aeacus That is Empedocles, He was half-roasted when he got here from Etna.

Menippus Tell me, my brazen-slippered friend, what induced you to jump into the crater?

Empedocles I did it in a fit of melancholy.

Menippus Not you. Vanity, pride, folly; these were what burnt you up, slippers and all; and serve you right. All that ingenuity was thrown away, too: your death was detected.—

Aeacus where is Socrates?

Aeacus He is generally talking nonsense with Nestor and Palamedes.

Menippus But I should like to see him, if he is anywhere about.

Aeacus You see the bald one?

Menippus They are all bald; that is a distinction without a difference,

Aeacus The snub-nosed one.

Menippus There again: they are all snub-nosed.

Socrates Do you want me, Menippus?

Menippus The very man I am looking for.

Socrates How goes it in Athens?

Menippus There are a great many young men there professing philosophy; and to judge from their dress and their walk, they should be perfect in it.

Socrates I have seen many such.

Menippus For that matter, I suppose you saw Aristippus arrive, reeking with scent; and Plato, the polished flatterer from Sicilian courts?

Socrates And what do they think about me in Athens?

Menippus Ah, you are fortunate in that respect. You pass for a most remarkable man, omniscient in fact. And all the time— if the truth must out—you know absolutely nothing.

Socrates I told them that myself: but they would have it that that was my irony.

Menippus And who are your friends?

Socrates Charmides; Phaedrus; the son of Clinias.

Menippus Ha, ha! still at your old trade; still an admirer of beauty.

Socrates How could I be better occupied? Will you join us?

Menippus No, thank you; I am off, to take up my quarters by Croesus and Sardanapalus. I expect huge entertainment from their outcries.

Aeacus I must be off, too; or some one may escape. You shall see the rest another day, Menippus.

Menippus I need not detain you. I have seen enough.