Icaromenippus

RICHES That is a different matter, Hermes; I do not go on my own feet then, and it is not Zeus but Pluto who sends me; for he, too, is a bestower of riches and a generous giver, as his name implies. When I am to go from one man to another, they put me in wax tablets, seal me up carefully, take me up and carry me away. The dead man is laid out in a dark corner of the house with an old sheet over his knees, to be fought for by the weasels, while those who have expectations regarding me wait for me in the public square with their mouths open, just as the

When the seal is removed, the thread cut, and the tablets opened, they announce the naine of my new master, cither a relative or a toady or a lewd slave held in high esteem since the days of his wanton youth, with his chin still shaven clean, who in this way gets a generous recompense, deserving fellow that he is, for many and various favours which he did his master long after he had earned a discharge. Whoever he may be, he snatches me up, tablets and all, and runs off with me, changing his name from Pyrrhias or Dromo or Tibius to Megacles or Megabyzus or Protarchus, while those others who opened their mouths in vain are left looking at one another and mourning in earnest because such a fine fish has made his escape from the inmost pocket of their net after swallowing quantities of bait.[*](This refers to the presents which they gave the dead man in the hope of influencing his will.)

As for the man who has been flung head over ears into riches, an uncultivated, coarse-grained fellow who still shudders at the irons, pricks up his ear if anyone casually flicks a whip in passing, and worships the mill as if it were the seat of the mysteries, he is no longer endurable to those who encounter him, but insults gentlemen and whips his fellow-slaves, just to see if he himself can do that sort of thing, until at length he falls in with a prostitute or takes a fancy to breed horses or gives himself into the keeping of toadies who swear that he is better looking than Nireus, better born than Cecrops or Codrus, sharper witted than Odysseus and richer than sixteen Croesuses in one ; and then in a moment, poor devil, he pours out all that was

HERMES Yes, that is just about the way of it. But when you go on your own feet, how do you find the way, since you are so blind, and how do you tell who the people are whom Zeus sends you to because he thinks they deserve to be rich?

RICHES Do you suppose I find the way or tell who they are? Good Heavens, not a bit of it! Otherwise I would not have left Aristides in the lurch"to--go to Hipponicus and Callias and a great many others who do not deserve a copper.[*](Hipponicus was the father of Callias, and the son of another Callias, the founder of the family fortunes. There were several sinister stories current about the source of his wealth, but Lucian is probably thinking of the version given by Plutarch in the life of Aristides.) HERMES But what do you do when he sends you down ?

RICHES I wander up and down, roaming about until I come upon someone unawares, and that man, whoever he may be who happens on me, takes me home and keeps me, paying homage to you, Hermes, for his unexpected stroke of good-luck.[*](All windfalls were attributed to Hermes.)

HERMES Then you have cheated Zeus, who thinks that you observe his decrees and enrich those who in his opinion deserve riches ?

RICHES Yes, and very properly, my friend, for although he

HERMES Then how is it that when you leave them you escape easily, since you do not know the way ?

RICHES For some reason I become sharp of eye and swift of foot then, but only for the time of ny escape.

HERMES Now just answer me this one more question. How is it that although you are blind (pardon my frankness), and not only that but pale and heavy-footed, you have lovers in such number that all men regard you with adimiration and count themselves lucky if they win you, but cannot bear to live if they fail? In fact, I know a good many of them who were so desperately in love with you that they went and flung themselves “into the deep-bosomed sea” and “over the beetling crags”[*](Theognis 175.) because they thought you were cutting them when as a matter of fact you could not see them at all. But you yourself will admit, I am sure, if you know yourself, that they are crazy to lose their heads over such a beloved.

RICHES Do you suppose they see me as I am, lame and blind and with all my other bad points ?

RICHES They are not blind, good friend, but Ignorance and Deceit, who now hold sway everywhere, darken their vision. Moreover, to avoid being wholly ugly, I always put on a very lovely mask, gay with tinscl and jewels, and an embroidered robe before I meet them ; whereupon, thinking that they sce my beauty face to face, they fall in love with me and despair of life if they do not win me. If anyone’ should strip me and show me to them, without a doubt they would reproach themselves for being shortsighted to that extent and for falling in love with things hateful and ugly.

HERMES Why is it, then, that even after they are in the very midst of riches and have put the mask on their own face, they are still deluded, and would sooner lose their head than the mask if anyone should try to take it away? Surely it is not likely that they do not know that your beauty is put on when they see all that is under it.

RICHES There are many things that help me in this too, Hermes.

HERMES What are they ?

RICHES When a man, on first encountering me, opens his doors and takes me in, Pride, Folly, Arrogance, Effeminacy, Insolence, Deceit, and myriads more,

HERMES But how smooth and slippery you are, Riches, how hard to hold and how quick to get away! You offer people no secure grip at all, but make your escape through their fingers in some way or other, like an eel or a snake. Poverty, on the other hand, is sticky and easy to grip, and has no end of hooks growing out all over her body, so that when people come near her she lays hold of them at once and cannot be disengaged easily. But in the midst of our gossip we have forgotten something rather important.

RICHES What is it?

HERMES We have not brought along Treasure, whom we needed most.

RICHES Be easy on that score; I always leave him on earth when I go up to you, bidding him to stay at home with the door locked and not to open to anyone unless he hears me calling.

HERMES Well, then, let’s alight in Attica now. Take hold of my cloak and follow me till I reach the outlying farm.

HERMES Our friend Timon is digging ina hilly and stony piece of ground close by. Oho, Poverty is with him, and so is Toil; likewise Endurance, Wisdom, Manliness, and the whole host of their fellows that serve under Captain Starvation, a far better sort than your henchmen.

RICHES Then why not beat a retreat as quickly as possible, Hermes? We can’t accomplish anything worth mentioning with a man that is hedged in by such an army.

HERMES Zeus thought differently, so let’s not be cowardly.

POVERTY Where are you going with that person whom you have by the hand, Hermes?

HERMES Zeus sent us to Timon here.

POVERTY Is he sending Riches to Timon now, when I have made a noble and a valuable man of him, after taking him over in a wretched plight that was due to Luxury and putting him in charge of Wisdom and Toil? Then am I, Poverty, so easy to slight, think you, and so easy to wrong that I can be robbed of my

HERMES It was the will of Zeus, Poverty.

POVERTY I am going; follow me, Toil and Wisdom and the rest of you. ‘This man will soon find out whom he is deserting in me—a good helpmate and a teacher of all that is best, through whose instruction he kept well in body and sound in mind, leading the life of a real man, relying on himself and holding all this abundance and excess to be nothing to him, as indeed it is.

HERMES They are going ; let us approach him.

TIMON Who are you, plague take you, and what do you want that you come here to bother a man at work and earning his wage? You will go away sorry that you came, vile wretches that you are, every one of you; for I'll very soon throw these clods and stones at you and break every bone in your bodies.

HERMES No, no, Timon! don’t throw at us, for we are not men. I am Hermes and this is Riches. We were sent by Zeus in answer to your prayers. So desist from your labours and accept prosperity, and good luck to you!

RICHES Let’s go, Hermes, in the name of Zeus, in order that I may not come to some harm before going ; for the man is uncommonly crazy, it seems to me.

HERMES Let’s have no roughness, Timon. Lay aside this excessive rudeness and asperity, stretch out your hands and take your good fortune. Be rich once more and a leading man in Athens, and cut the acquaintance of those ingrates of old, keeping your wealth to yourself.

TIMON I don’t want anything of you; don’t bother me. My pick is riches enough for me, and in all other respects I am as happy as can be if only nobody comes near me.

HERMES Such an uncivil answer, friend ?

1. Will you I carry to Zeus those words so repellent and stubborn ?

TIMON I am very much obliged to you, Hermes, and to

HERMES Why, pray?

TIMON Because in bygone days he caused me_ infinite harm by giving me over to toadies, setting plotters upon me, stirring up hatred against me, corrupting me with high living, making me envied and finally abandoning me in such a faithless and traitorous way. But my good friend Poverty developed my body with tasks of the most manly sort, conversed with me truthfully and frankly, gave me all that I needed if only I worked for it, and taught me to despise the wealth I once cherished, making me depend upon myself for my hope of a living and showing me wherein lay my own riches, which could not be taken away either by a toady with flattery or by a blackmailer with threats, by a mob in a gust of passion, a voter with his ballot or a tyrant with his intrigues.

Strengthened, therefore, by my labours, I work upon this farm with pleasure in my toil, secing nothing of the ills in the city and getting ample and suflicient sustenance from my pick. So wend your way back again, Hermes, taking Riches up to Zeus. For my part, I should be content if I could bring sorrow to the whole world, young and old alike.

HERMES Don’t say that, my friend; they do not all deserve sorrow. Come, stop this childish display of illtemper and take Riches. Gifts that come from Zeus are not to be flung away.

TIMON Speak, but not at length nor with a preface, like a rascally orator. I will endure a few words from you for the sake of Hermes.

RICHES Perhaps I ought really to speak at length in reply to so many charges made by you. However, judge whether I have wronged you as you say. It is I who brought you everything that is delightful,—honour, precedence, civic crowns, and every form of luxury; and you were admired and puffed and courted, thanks to me. On the other hand, if you have suffered any cruel treatment at the hands of the toadies, I am not to blame; rather have I myself been wronged by you because you so basely put me at the mercy of scoundrels who praised you and bewitched you and intrigued against me in every way. Again, in closing, you said that I played you false; but on the contrary I could myself bring that charge against you, for you drove me off in every way and thrust me head-foremost out of your house. That is why Poverty, whom you hold so dear, has dressed you in this coat of skin instead of a soft mantle of wool, So Hermes will testify how ardently I besought Zeus not to make me come to you again after you had treated me with such hostility.

HERMES But now you see how mild he has become, Riches ; so do not hesitate to remain with him. Timon, go

TIMON I must comply, Hermes, and be rich again, for what can a man do when the gods constrain him ? But look at all the trouble you are plunging me into, curse the luck! Until now I was leading the happiest of lives, but in a moment, though I have done no wrong, I am to receive so much gold and to take on so many cares.

HERMES Endure it, Timon, for my sake, even if it is difficult and unbearable, in order that those toadies may burst with envy. And now I am going to fly up to Heaven by way of Aetna.

RICHES He has gone, it seems; for I infer it from the fluttering of his wings. Wait here, and I will go away and send Treasure to you. But, no, strike in. Ho, Treasure of Gold! Submit to Timon and let yourself be dug up. Dig, Timon, and bring down deep strokes. I will leave you to yourselves.