Icaromenippus

TIMON Come, pick, be strong for me now and don’t flag in the task of calling Treasure out of the depths to the light of day. O Zeus, god of miracles! O gracious Corybants! O Hermes, god of gain! Where did all this gold come from? « Is this a dream? I am afraid I may wake up and find nothing but ashes. No,

1. O gold, thou fairest gift that comes to man!

O Midas! O Croesus! O treasures of Delphi! How little worth you are beside Timon and the wealth of Timon! Yes, even the king of Persia is not a match for me.

Pick and darling coat of skin, it is best that I should hang you up here as an offering to Pan. For myself, I purpose now to buy the whole farm, build a tower over the treasure just large enough for me to live in, and have it for my tomb when I am dead.

“Be it resolved and enacted into law, to be binding for the rest of my life, that I shall associate with no one, recognize no one and scorn everyone. Friends, guests, comrades and Altars of Mercy[*](There was such an altar in Athens; cf. Demonax 57.) shall be matter for boundless mockery. To pity one who weeps, to help one who is in need shall be a misdemeanour and an infringement of the constitution. My life shall be solitary, like that of wolves; Timon shall be my only friend,

and all others shall be enemies and conspirators. To talk to any of them shall be pollution, and if I simply see one of them, that day shall be under a curse. In short, they shall be no more than statues of stone or bronze in my sight. I shall receive no ambassadors from

His favourite name shall be ‘the Misanthrope,’ and his characteristic traits shall be testiness, acerbity, rudeness, wrathfulness and inhumanity. If I see anyone perishing in a fire and begging to have it put out, I am to put it out with pitch and oil; and if anyone is being swept off his feet by the river in winter and stretches out his hands, begging me to take hold, I am to push him in head-foremost, plunging him down so deep that he cannot come up again. In that way they will get what they deserve. Moved by Timon, son of Echecratides, of Collytus ; motion submitted to the assembly by the aforesaid Timon.”

Good! Let us pass this resolution and abide by it stoutly.

Yet I would have given a great deal if everybody could have found out somehow that I am tremendously rich ; they would be fit to hang themselves over the thing. But what is this? I say,

GNATHONIDES Didn’t I say that the gods would not neglect an upright man like Timon? Good day to you, Timon, first in good looks, first in good manners and first in good fellowship.

TIMON The same to you, Gnathonides, first of all vultures in voracity and first of all mankind in rascality.

GNATHONIDES You are always fond of your joke. But where are we to dine? I have brought you a new song from one of the plays[*](Literally : “From one of the dithyrambs.” The allusion is anachronistic, for in Timon’s day the dithyramb was not dramatic in character. Cf. Bywater, Aristotle on the Art of Poetry, p. 99.) that have just been put on.

TIMON I assure you, it will be a very mournful dirge that you will sing, with this pick of mine to prompt you.

TIMON If you will only linger one moment more, the summons will be for murder.

GNATHONIDES No, no! Do heal my wound, at least, by putting alittle gold on it. That is a wonderful specific for staunching blood.

TIMON What, are you still bent on staying ?

GNATHONIDES I am going; but you shall be sorry that you left off being a gentleman and became such a boor.

TIMON Who is this coming up, with the bald pate? Philiades, the most nauseous toady of them all. He received from me a whole farm and a dower of two talents for his daughter in payment for praising me once, when I had sung a song and everybody else kept still, but he lauded me to the skies, vowing on his word of honour that I was a better singer than a swan. Yet when he saw me ill the other day and I went up to him and begged for alms, the generous fellow bestowed a thrashing on me.

PHILIADES Oh, what effrontery! So you all recognize Timon now? So Gnathonides is his friend and booncompanion now? Then he has had just what he deserved for being so thankless. But we, who are old acquaintances and schoolmates and neighbours,

TIMON No doubt, Philiades. But come here, so that I may give you a friendly greeting with my pick !

PHILIADES Help! The ingrate has broken my head because I gave him good advice.

TIMON Lo and behold! here comes a third, the orator Demeas, holding a resolution in his hand and saying that he is a relative of mine. That fellow paid the city treasury sixteen talents within a single day, getting his money from me, for he had been condemned to a fine and put in jail while it was unpaid. And yet when it became his duty recently to distribute the show-money to the Erechtheis tribe,[*](A slip on Lucian’s part, for Collytus belonged to Aegeis. The show-money (theoric fund) was at first given only to cover the cost of admission to state spectacles, but later became a distribution per capita of the surplus funds.) and I went up and asked for my share, he said he did not recognize me as a citizen !

DEMEAS Good day, Timon, great benefactor of your kin, bulwark of Athens, shield of Greece! ‘The assembly and both the councils are in session and awaiting your pleasure this long time. But before you go, listen to the resolution that I drew up in your behalf. “Whereas Timon of Collytus, the son of Echecratides, a man who is not only upright but wise beyond any other in Greece, labours always in the best interests of the city, and has won the boxing match, the wrestling match, and the foot-race at Olympia in a single day, as well as the horse-races, both with the regular chariot and with the span of colts””— -

TIMON But I never was even a delegate[*](An official representative of the state. Cf. Aristophanes, Wasps 1188 ff.) to the games at Olympia !

DEMEAS What of that? You will be, later. It is best to put in plenty of that sort of thing. — "and fought bravely for the city at Acharnae vee and cut to pieces two divisions of Spartans"—

TIMON What do you mean by that? I wasn’t even posted on the muster-roll because I had no arms.

DEMEAS You are modest in talking about yourself, but we should be ungrateful if we failed to remember. — “and furthermore has been of great service to the city by drawing up resolutions and serving on the council and acting as general ;

There you have the resolution. I wish I had brought my son to see you; I have called him Timon after you.

TIMON How can that be, Demeas, when you aren't even married, as far as I know?

DEMEAS No, but I am going to marry next year, Zeus willing, and havea child ; and I now name it Timon, for it will be a boy.

TIMON Perhaps you don’t care to marry now, sirrah, on getting such a clout from me.

DEMEAS Oh! Oh! What does this mean? Timon, you are trying to make yourself tyrant and you are beating free men when you yourself have not a clear title to your freedom. You shall soon pay for this, and for burning the Acropolis too.

TIMON But the Acropolis has not been burned, you scoundrel, so it is plain that you are a blackmailer.

DEMEAS Well, you got your money by breaking into the treasury.

TIMON That has not been broken into, so you can’t make good with that charge either. -

DEMEAS The breaking in will be done later, but you have all the contents now.

TIMON Well then, take that !

DEMEAS Oh, my back !

TIMON Don’t shriek or I will give you a third. It would be too ridiculous if I had cut up two divisions of Spartans unarmed and then couldn’t thrash a single filthy little creature like you. My victory at Olympia in boxing and wrestling would be all for nothing !

But what have we here? Isn’t this Thrasyc yeles ? No other! With his beard spread out and his eyebrows uplifted, he marches along deep in haughty meditation, his eyes glaring like a Titan’s and his hair tossed back from his forehead, a typical Boreas or Triton such as Zeuxis used to paint. Correct in his demeanour, gentlemanly in his gait, and inconspicuous in his dress, in the morning hours he discourses forever about virtue, arraigns s the votaries of pleasure and praises contentment with little; but when he comes to dinner after his bath and the

He is the height of gluttony and insatiability, and he gets so drunken and riotous that he not only sings and dances, but even abuses people and flies into a passion. Besides he has much to say over his cup—more then than at any other time, in fact!—about temperance and decorum, and he says all this when he is already in a bad way from taking his wine without water and stammers ridiculously. Then a vomit follows, and at last he is picked up and carried out of the diningroom, catching at the flute girl with both hands as he goes. But even when sober, he won’t yield the palm to anyone in lying and impudence and covetousness ; on the contrary, he is a peerless toady and he perjures himself with the greatest facility ; humbug is his guide and shamelessness his follower, and to sum it up, he is a wonderfully clever piece of work, correct in every detail and perfect in a world of ways. Therefore he shall soon smart for ;his superiority. (To Thrasycles): Well, well! I say, Thrasycles, you are late.

THRASYCLES I have not come with the same intent as all this crowd, Timon. Dazzled by your riches, they have gathered at a run in the expectation of silver and gold and costly dinners, meaning to exercise unlimited flattery upon a man so simple and so free with his gear. You know, of course, that for me barley-cake is dinner enough, and the sweetest relish is thyme or cardamom, or if ever I were to indulge myself, a trifle of salt. My drink is the water of Nine-spouts, and this philosopher’s mantle suits me better than any purple robe. As for gold, I hold it in no higher worth than yonder pebbles on the shore. It was on your account that I came, in order that you might not be corrupted by wealth, that most iniquitous and insidious of possessions, which, many a time to many a man, has proved a source of irreparable misfortunes. If you take my advice, you will by all means throw the whole of it into the sea, for it is not at all essential to a virtuous man who can discern the riches of philosophy; but don’t throw it into the deep water, my dear fellow: just wade in as far as your waist and toss it a short distance outside the breakers, with none but me to see you.

However, if you are unwilling to do this, then bundle it out of the house quickly in another and a better way without leaving as much as a copper for yourself by distributing it to all the needy, five drachmas to this man, a mina to that one and half a talent to a third. If a philosopher should apply he ought to get a double or a triple portion. As for me, I do not ask for it on my own account but to share with those of my comrades who are needy, and it will be plenty if

TIMON Well said, Thrasycles! But instead of filling the wallet, please allow me to fill your head with lumps, measured out with my pick.

THRASYCLES Democracy and the Laws! The scoundrel is beating me, in a free city !

TIMON What are you angry about, my dear fellow? Surely I haven’t given you short measure ? Come, Pll throw in four pecks over the amount !

But what have we here? They are gathering in swarms; I see Blepsias yonder, Laches, Guipho and the whole crew of my intended victims. Why not climb this rock, give my long-wearied pick a little rest and handle the situation without it, collecting all the stones I can and raining them down on those fellows from a distance ?

BLEPSIAS Don’t throw at us, Timon; we are going away.

TIMON But not without bloodshed and wounds, I promise you!