On Unbelievable Stories

It is said that Heracles went down to Hades and returned with Cerberos, and that Orpheus did the same with his wife Eurydice. But the truth is that when someone had returned safely after enduring a long and dangerous trip, people would declare that he had been delivered from Hades. It is just like we declare even now that those who survive great suffering, perilous journeys or deadly diseases have returned safely from Hades.

Phaethon, the son of Helios, longed to climb into his father’s chariot and drive it. He drove it incompetently and people were killed by the heat, so Zeus struck him down with his thunderbolt…[*](The rest of this passage has been lost.)

It is said that Orpheus caused rocks, trees, beasts, and birds to move. Rather, one might say truthfully that he took people who lived like beasts and knew nothing of either customs or laws and filled them with a fear of the gods, and that he took people who were hard and stubborn like rocks and trees and induced in them piety. Because he charmed those people with his words he earned this reputation.

When Helle and Phrixos escaped the scheme of their stepmother Ino their guardian, Crios [Ram], escaped with them in a small boat during a storm. It came to pass that Helle fell out into the sea. (As a result, the sea received the name Hellespont [sea of Helle]). Phrixos, however, reached safety. Aietes lusted after Phrixos, and when Crios intervened and tried to preserve Phrixos’ purity, he was flayed completely and his skin hung upon a nail. His hide received the name golden because Crios had shown the utmost loyalty.

...[*](The beginning of thos passage has been lost) because they lived in the mountains far away from women, whenever a woman did turn up, the Pans and Satyrs would all share her for sex. [They were thought to have the hair and the legs of goats because they neglected to wash and a stench hung around them. And here is the reason they were thought to be companions of Dionysos: they did the work of grape cultivation.][*](These sentences are likely an interpolation.) It’s just like now, when it comes to women who are available to all, we say that we all do them like Pans.

They say that Asclepios was struck down by a thunderbolt. Actually, the following would be more plausible. Asclepios established and advanced the field of medicine, but he died from a burning fever. Because of the burning heat, they say he was struck by a thunderbolt.

It is said about the cap of Hades that if someone put it on, like Perseus did, they became invisible. Actually, the cap of Hades is the fated destination into which the dead depart and become invisible.

It is said that Boreas [the north wind] carried off Oreithyia. Rather, he was king of the region to the north. The same assumption and approach can also be used for the story of Zeus and Ganymede. He was a king who carried off Ganymede, and he was said to have transformed into an eagle because it too is a formidable creature. The same can be said for Eos and Tithonos, and for Aphrodite and Anchises.

It is said that Proteus transformed himself into water, and in the next moment to fire. It is obvious that to good people he was like water but to bad people he handed out punishments, as they deserved. His reputation spread as a result of these actions.

They say that Cephalos’ hound was granted the ability to catch any beast it saw and that nothing could catch the Teumessian fox. When the hound chased the fox – lest fate be contradicted – Zeus turned them both to stone. Such a fiction could not occur, as it violates the ceaseless action of both when they hunt.[*](We translate Festa's suggested emendation of ἄπαυστον (unceasing) for αὐτῶν (their).)

They say that Diomedes’ horses were man-eaters. But they were actually a wild-grazing herd. No one had been able to harness them to a chariot – but Heracles managed it.

It does not make sense that Calypso offered to make mortal Odysseus immortal. What she actually offered were magnificent, plentiful things for his nourishment and enjoyment during his life. Because of this, whenever we recline at a feast, enjoying ourselves magnificently, we too say we are among the gods.

Cerberos should be interpreted in the way I have interpreted the Hydra, i.e. that he had two pups who always walked beside their father, such that it seemed that he had three heads.

They give the account that, after Zeus had sex with Lamia, Hera transformed her into a beast, and that whenever Lamia becomes mad, she takes out her eyes and places them into a cup, and that she eats flesh, even that of humans.

This is what actually happened: Zeus, who was a king, had sex with her because she was beautiful. Hera kidnapped her, gouged out her eyes and cast her out into the mountains. From then on, she lived there in misery and had no one to look after her. Since she lived in the wilds, unwashed and neglected, she appeared to be a beast.

The account they give is that Procne, Philomela and Tereus were transformed into birds: a swallow, a nightingale and a hoopoe respectively. This is what actually happened. Procne and Philomela killed Itys and looted his house. They boarded a small boat and made a swift escape. Tereus chased after them and when he failed to capture them, he killed himself. As a result of their disappearance, people said that they had turned into birds because they vanished so suddenly.

They say that the daughters of Helios were transformed from humans into black poplars. That wasn’t what happened. Rather, because of what happened to their brother, they threw themselves into the river Eridanos. When people searched beside the river and did not find them, but did find the trunks of three black poplars, they assumed that the daughters had been turned into trees. [Their names were Phoibe, Lampeto and Aigle.][*](This sentence is likely an interpolation.)

People invented the idea that Panoptes, because he was eager to see and listen in on everything, had eyes covering his whole body. As a result, we still even now call people who are inquisitive in this way panoptic.

It is said that Selene fell in love with Endymion while he was sleeping, and that she came down and had sex with him. But rather, Endymion, as a shepherd, would have been inexperienced with women and so, if a woman lusted after him …[*](This part of the sentence has been lost, but the sense is clear.) and, asked by someone who it was, would have said the Moon [Selene].

Regarding the cattle of Helios, I discovered an allegory in the Iliad. Among the ancients it was not acceptable to sacrifice working oxen to the gods. This is attested in Aratos, and is also clear from the poem itself. For Hecabe says to Athena:

To you I will sacrifice a broad-browed year-old heifer not broken in, whom no man has yet harnessed to a yoke.

because of their own insolence they incurred suffering beyond their allotment.