Dialogi mortuorum

Hermes Well, they are rascals, and it would be a comic ending. He leads them a pretty life too, on hope gruel; he always looks more dead than alive, but he is tougher than a young man. They have divided up the inheritance among them, and feed on imaginary bliss.

Pluto Just so; now he is to throw off his years like Iolaus, and rejuvenate, while they in the middle of their hopes find themselves here with their dream-wealth left behind them. Nothing like making the punishment fit the crime.

Hermes Say no more, Pluto; I will fetch you them one after another; seven of them, is it?

Pluto Down with them; and he shall change from an old man to a blooming youth, and attend their funerals.

Terpsion Now is this fair, Pluto,—that I should die at the age of thirty, and that old Thucritus go on living past ninety?

Pluto Nothing could be fairer. Thucritus lives and is in no hurry for his neighbours to die; whereas you always had some design against him; you were waiting to step into his shoes.

Terpsion Well, an old man like that is past getting any enjoyment out of his money; he ought to die, and make room for younger men.

Pluto This is a novel principle: the man who can no longer derive pleasure from his money is to die!—Fate and Nature have ordered it otherwise.

Terpsion Then they have ordered it wrongly. There ought to be a proper sequence according to seniority. Things are turned upside down, if an old man is to go on living with only three

Pluto There is a great deal more sound sense in it than you suppose, Terpsion. Besides, what right have you young fellows got to be prying after other men’s goods, and thrusting yourselves upon your childless elders? You look rather foolish, when you get buried first; it tickles people immensely; the more fervent your prayers for the death of your aged friend, the greater is the general exultation when you precede him. It has become quite a profession lately, this amorous devotion to old men and women,—childless, of course; children destroy the illusion. By the way though, some of the beloved objects see through your dirty motives well enough by now; they have children, but they pretend to hate them, and so have lovers all the same. When their wills come to be read, their faithful bodyguard is not included: nature asserts itself, the children get their rights, and the lovers realize, with gnashings of teeth, that they have been taken in.

Terpsion Too true! The luxuries that Thucritus has enjoyed at my expense! He always looked as if he were at the point of death. I never went to see him, but he would groan and squeak like a chicken barely out of the shell: I considered that he might step into his coffin at any moment, and heaped gift upon gift, for fear of being outdone in generosity by my rivals; I passed anxious, sleepless nights, reckoning and arranging all; ’twas this, the sleeplessness and the anxiety, that brought me

Pluto Well done, Thucritus! Long may you live to enjoy your wealth,—and your joke at the youngsters’ expense; many a toady may you send hither before your own time comes!

Terpsion Now I think of it, it would be a satisfaction if Charoeades were to die before him.

Pluto Charoeades! My dear Terpsion, Phido, Melanthus,— every one of them will be here before Thucritus,—all victims of this same anxiety!

Terpsion That is as it should be. Hold on, Thucritus!

Zenophantus Ah, Callidemides, and how did you come by your end? As for me, I was free of Dinias’s table, and there died of a surfeit; but that is stale news; you were there, of course.

Callidemides Yes, I was. Now there was an element of surprise about my fate. I suppose you know that old Ptoeodorus?

Zenophantus The rich man with no children, to whom you gave most of your company?

Callidemides That is the man; he had promised to leave me his heir, and I used to show my appreciation. However, it went on such a time; Tithonus was a juvenile to him; so I found a short cut to my property. I bought a potion, and agreed with the butler that next time his master called for wine (he is a pretty stiff drinker) he should have this ready in a cup and present it; and I was pledged to reward the man with his freedom.

Zenophantus And what happened? this is interesting.

Callidemides When we came from bath, the young fellow had two cups ready, one with the poison for Ptoeodorus, and the other for me; but by some blunder he handed me the poisoned cup,

Zenophantus Well, it was such a humorous exit. And how did the old man behave?

Callidemides He was dreadfully distressed for the moment; then he saw, I suppose, and laughed as much as you over the butler’s trick,

Zenophantus Ah, short cuts are no better for you than for other people, you see; the high road would have been safer, if not quite so quick.

Cnemon Why, ’tis the proverb fulfilled! The fawn hath taken the lion.

Damasias What’s the matter, Cnemon?

Cnemon The matter! I have been fooled, miserably fooled. I have passed over all whom I should have liked to make my heirs, and left my money to the wrong man.

Damasias How was that?

Cnemon I had been speculating on the death of Hermolaus, the millionaire. He had no children, and my attentions had been well received by him. I thought it would be a good idea to let him know that I had made my will in his favour, on the chance of its exciting his emulation.

Damasias Yes; and Hermolaus?

Cnemon What his will was, I don’t know. I died suddenly,— the roof came down about my ears; and now Hermolaus is my heir The pike has swallowed hook and bait.

Damasias And your anglership into the bargain. The pit that you digged for other....

Cnemon That’s about the truth of the matter, confound it.

Simylus So here you are at last, Polystratus; you must be something very like a centenarian.

Polystratus Ninety-eight.

Simylus And what sort of a life have you had of it, these thirty years? you were about seventy when I died.

Polystratus Delightful, though you may find it hard to believe.

Simylus It ¢s surprising that you could have any joy of your life— old, weak, and childless, moreover.

Polystratus In the first place, I could do just what I liked; there were still plenty of handsome boys and dainty women; perfumes were sweet, wine kept its bouquet, Sicilian feasts were nothing to mine,

Simylus This is a change, to be sure; you were very economical in my day.

Polystratus Ah, but, my simple friend, these good things were presents—came in streams. From dawn my doors were thronged with visitors, and in the day it was a procession of the fairest gifts of earth.

Simylus Why, you must have seized the crown after my death.

Polystratus Oh no, it was only that I inspired a number of tender passions,

Simylus Tender passions, indeed! what, you, an old man with hardly a tooth left in your head!

Polystratus Certainly; the first of our townsmen were in love with me. Such as you see me, old, bald, blear-eyed, rheumy, they

Simylus Well, then, you had some adventure like Phaon’s, when he rowed Aphrodite across from Chios; your God granted your prayer and made you young and fair and lovely again.

Polystratus No, no; I was as you see me, and I was the object of all desire.

Simylus Oh, I give it up.

Polystratus Why, I should have thought you knew the violent passion for old men who have plenty of money and no children.

Simylus Ah, now I comprehend your beauty, old fellow; it was the Golden Aphrodite bestowed it.

Polystratus I assure you, Simylus, I had a good deal of satisfaction out of my lovers; they idolized me, almost. Often I would be coy and shut some of them out. Such rivalries! such jealous emulations!

Simylus And how did you dispose of your fortune in the end?

Polystratus I gave each an express promise to make him my heir; he believed, and treated me to more attentions than ever; meanwhile I had another genuine will, which was the one I left, with a message to them all to go hang.

Simylus Who was the heir by this one? one of your relations, I suppose.

Polystratus Not likely; it was a handsome young Phrygian I had lately bought.

Simylus Age?

Polystratus About twenty.

Simylus Ah, I can guess his office.

Polystratus Well, you know, he deserved the inheritance much better than they did; he was a barbarian and a rascal; but by this time he has the best of society at his beck. So he inherited; and now he is one of the aristocracy; his smooth chin and his

Simylus Well, I don’t mind; let him be Emperor of Greece, if he likes, so long as he keeps the property away from that other crew.