Dialogi mortuorum

You rhetorician there, with your verbosities and your barbarisms, your antitheses and balances and periods, off with the whole pack of them.

A Rhetorician Away they go.

Hermes All’s ready. Loose the cable, and pull in the gangway; haul up the anchor; spread all sail; and, pilot, look to your helm. Good luck to our voyage!—

What are you all whining about, you fools? You philosopher, late of the beard,—you’re as bad as any of them.

A Philosopher Ah, Hermes: I had thought that the soul was immortal.

Menippus He lies: that is not the cause of his distress.

Hermes What is it, then?

Menippus He knows that he will never have a good dinner again; never sneak about at night with his cloak over his head, going the round of the brothels; never spend his mornings in fooling boys out of their money, under the pretext of teaching them wisdom.

A Philosopher And pray are you content to be dead?

Menippus It may be presumed so, as I sought death of my own

By the way, I surely heard a noise, as if people were shouting on the earth?

Hermes You did; and from more than one quarter.—There are people running in a body to the Town-hall, exulting over the death of Lampichus; the women have got hold of his wife; his infant children fare no better,—the boys are giving them a handsome pelting. Then again you hear the applause that greets the orator Diophantus, as he pronounces the funeral oration of our friend Crato. Ah yes, and that’s Damasias’s mother, with her women, striking up a dirge. No one has a tear for you, Menippus; your remains are left in peace. Privileged person!

Menippus Wait a bit: before long you will hear the mournful howl of dogs, and the beating of crows’ wings, as they gather to perform my funeral rites.

Hermes I like your spirit——However, here we are in port. Away with you all to the judgement-seat; it is straight ahead. The ferryman and I must go back for a fresh load.

Menippus Good voyage to you, Hermes.—Let us be getting on; what are you all waiting for? We have got to face the judge, sooner or later; and by all accounts his sentences are no joke; wheels, rocks, vultures are mentioned. Every detail of our lives will now come to light!