Juppiter Tragoedus

I beg you here and now, Zeus, as we are alone and there is no man in our gathering except Heracles and Dionysus and Ganymede and Asclepius, these naturalized aliens—answer me truly, have you ever had enough regard for those on earth to find out

If you would have me speak the truth, we sit here considering just one question, whether anybody is slaying victims and burning incense at our altars ; everything else drifts with the current, swept aimlessly along. Therefore we are getting and shall continue to get no more than we deserve when men gradually begin to crane their necks upward and find out that it does them no good to sacrifice to us and hold processions. Then in a little while you shall see the Epicuruses and Metrodoruses and Damises laughing at us, and our pleaders overpowered and silenced by them. So it is for the rest of you to check and remedy all this, you who carried it so far. To me, being only Momus, it does not make much difference if I ain to be unhonoured, for even in bygone days I was not one of those in honour, while you are still fortunate and enjoy your sacrifices.

ZEUS Let us ignore this fellow’s nonsense, gods; he is always harsh and fault-finding. As that wonderful man Demosthenes says, to reproach and criticize and find fault is easy and anyone can do it, but to advise how a situation. may be improved requires a really wise counsellor; and this is what the rest of you will do, I am very sure, even if Momus says nothing.

POSEIDON For my part I am pretty much subaqueous, as you know, and live by myself in the depths, doing my best to rescue sailors, speed vessels on their course and calm the winds. Nevertheless I am interested in matters here too, and I say that this Damis should be put out of the way before he enters the dispute, either with a thunderbolt or by some other means, for fear that he may get the better of it in the argument ; for you say, Zeus, that he is a plausible fellow. At the same time we'll show them how we punish people who say such things against us.

ZEUS Are you joking, Poseidon, or have you completely forgotten that nothing of the sort is in our power, but the Fates decide by their spinning that one man is to die by a thunderbolt, another by the sword and another by fever or consumption? If it lay in my power, do you suppose I would have let the temple-robbers get away from Olympia the other day unscathed by my thunderbolt, when they had shorn off two of my curls weighing six pounds apiece? Or would you yourself at Geraestus have allowed the fisherman from Oreus to filch your trident? Besides,

POSEIDON Why, I supposed I had thought of a short cut to victory ?

ZEUS Avast ! a stockfish idea, Poseidon, downright stupid, to make away with your adversary in advance so that he may die undefeated, leaving the question still in dispute and unsettled !

POSEIDON Well, then, the rest of you think of something else that is better, since you relegate my ideas to the stockfish in that fashion.

APOLLO If we young fellows without beards were permitted by law to take the floor, perhaps I might have made some contribution to the debate.

MOMUS In the first place, Apollo, the debate is on such great issues that the right to speak does not go by age but is open to all alike ; for it would be delicious if when we were in direst danger we quibbled about our rights under the law. Secondly, according to law _ you are already fully entitled to the floor, for you came of age long ago and are registered in the list of the Twelve Gods and almost were a member of the council in the days of Cronus. So don’t play the boy with us: say what you think boldly, and

APOLLO But it is not for you to give such permission, Momus; it is for Zeus, and if he lets me perhaps I may say something not without sweetness and light and worthy of my study on Helicon.

ZEUS Speak, my boy: I give you permission.

APOLLO This Timocles is an upright, God-fearing man and he is thoroughly up in the Stoic doctrines, so that he gives lessons to many of the young men -and collects large fees for it, being very plausible when he disputes privately with his pupils; but he utterly lacks the courage to speak before a crowd and his language is vulgar and half-foreign, so that he gets laughed at for that reason when he appears in public, for he does not talk fluently but stammers and gets confused, especially when in spite of these faults he wants to make a show of fine language. His intellect, to be sure, is exceedingly keen and subtle, as people say who know more than I about Stoicism, but in lecturing and expounding he weakens and obscures his points by his incapacity, not making his meaning clear but presenting propositions that are like riddles and returning answers that are still more unintelligible; hence the others failing to com-

MOMUS You were right, Apollo, in praising people who speak clearly, even though you yourself do not do it at all, for in your oracles you are ambiguous and riddling and you unconcernedly toss most of them into the debatable ground so that your hearers need another Apollo to interpret them. But what do you advise as the next step, what remedy for Timocles’ helplessness in debate ?

APOLLO To give him a spokesman if possible, Momus, one of those eloquent chaps who will say fittingly whatever Timocles thinks of and suggests.

MOMUS Truly a puerile suggestion which shows that you still need a tutor, that we should bring a spokesman into a meeting of philosophers to interpret the opinions of Timocles to the company, and that Damis should speak in his own person and unaided while the other, making use of a proxy, privately whispers his ideas into his ear and the proxy does the speaking, perhaps without even understanding what he hears, Wouldn’t that be fun for the crowd! No, let’s think of some other way to manage this thing.

But as for you, my admirable friend, since you claim to be a prophet and have collected large fees for such work, even to the extent of getting ingots of gold once upon a time, why do you not give us a timely display of your skill by foretelling which of the

APOLLO How can I do that, Momus, when we have no tripod here, and no incense or prophetic spring like Castaly ?

MOMUS There now! you dodge the test when it comes to the pinch.

ZEUS Speak up, my boy, all the same, and don’t give this libeller a chance to malign and insult your profession by saying that it all depends on a tripod and water and incense, so that if you didn’t have those things you would be deprived of your skill.

APOLLO It would be better, father, to do such business at Delphi or Colophon where I have all the necessaries at hand, in the usual way. However, even thus devoid of them and unequipped, I will try to foretell whose the victory shall be: you will bear with me if my verses are lame.

MOMUS Do speak ; but let it be clear, and not itself in need of a spokesman or an interpreter. It is not now a question of lamb and turtle cooking together in Lydia, but you know what the debate is about.

ZEUS What in the world are you going to say, my boy? These preliminaries to your oracle are terrifying in themselves; your colour is changed, your eyes are rolling, your hair stands on end, your movements are

APOLLO

MOMUS How can I, Zeus, when the oracle is so clear and manifest ?

ZEUS Well then, suppose you tell us what in the world it means.

MOMUS It is quite manifest, so that we shan’t need a Themistocles.[*](See p. 121, note.). The prophecy says as plainly as you

HERACLES As for me, father, though I am but an alien I.shall not hesitate to say what I think. When they have met and are disputing, if Timocles gets the better of it, let’s allow the discussion about us to proceed ; but if it turns out at all adversely, in that case, if you approve, I myself will at once shake the porch and throw it down on Damis, so that he may not affront us, confound him!

ZEUS In the name of Heracles! that was a loutish, horribly Boeotian thing you said, Heracles, to involve so many honest men in the destruction of a single rascal, and the porch too, with its Marathon and Miltiades and Cynegirus If they should collapse how could the orators orate any more? They would be robbed of their principal topic for speeches.[*](Compare The Orators’ Coach (Rhet. Praec.), 18.) Moreover, although while you were alive you could no doubt have done something of the sort, since you have become a god you have found out, I suppose, that only the Fates can do such things; and that we have no part in them.

HERACLES So when I killed the lion or the Hydra, the Fates did it through my agency?

ZEUS Why, certainly!

ZEUS No, not by any means.

HERACLES Then hear me frankly, Zeus, for as the comic poet puts it,

1. I'm but a boor and call a spade a spade.

ZEUS Bravo! testimony from the inside, as the saying goes. Really you would have done us a great service if you had given Damis a hint to say that.

But who is this coming up in hot haste, the one of bronze, with the fine tooling and the fine contours, with his hair tied up in the old-fashioned way ? Oh yes, it is your brother, Hermes, the one of the public square, beside the Painted Porch.[*]("As you go toward the portico that is called Poikile because of its paintings, there is a bronze Hermes, called Agoraios (of the square), and a gate close by” (Pausan. 1, 15,1). Playing upon "Hermes Agoraios,” Zeus dubs him Hermagoras, after a well-known rhetorician.) At any rate he is all covered with pitch from being cast every day by the sculptors. My lad, what brings

HERMAGORAS Important news, Zeus, that requires unlimited attention.

ZEUS Tell me whether we have overlooked anything else in the way of conspiracy.

HERMAGORAS

1. It fell just now that they who work in bronze
2. Had smeared me o’er with pitch on breast and back ;
3. A funny corslet round my body hung,
4. Conformed by imitative cleverness
5. To take the full impression of the bronze.
6. I saw a crowd advancing with a pair
7. Of sallow bawlers, warriors with words,
8. Hight Damis, one—[*](A parody on Euripides; compare Orest. 866, 871, 880.)

HERMAGORAS Not very; they were still skirmishing, slinging abuse at each other at long range.

ZEUS Then what else remains to be done, gods, except to stoop over and listen to them? So let the Hours remove the bar now, drive the clouds away and throw open the gates of Heaven.

Heracles! what a crowd

TIMOCLES[*](At this point the scene becomes double ; down below are the philosophers disputing in the Stoa, and up above are the gods, listening eagerly with occasional comments.) Damis, you sacrilegious wretch, why do you say that the gods do not exist and do not show providence in behalf of men?

DAMIS No, you tell me first what reason you have for believing that they do exist.

TIMOCLES No, you tell me, you miscreant !

DAMIS No, you!

ZEUS So far our man is much better and more noisy in his bullying. Good, Timocles! Pile on your abuse ; that is your strong point, for in everything else he will make you as mute as a fish.

TIMOCLES But I swear by Athena that I will not answer you first.

DAMIS Well then, put your question, Timocles, for you

TIMOCLES Very well. Tell me then, you scoundrel, don’t you think the gods exercise any providence ?

DAMIS Not in the least.

TIMOCLES What’s that you say? Then is all that we see about us uncared for by any providence ?

DAMIS Yes.

TIMOCLES And the administration of the universe is not directed by any god ?

DAMIS No.

TIMOCLES And everything drifts at random?

DAMIS Yes.

TIMOCLES Men, do you hear that and put up with it? Aren’t you going to stone the villain ?

DAMIS Why do you embitter men against me, Timocles? And who are you to get angry on behalf of the gods, especially when they themselves are not angry? They have done me no harm, you see, though they have listened to me long—if indeed they have ears.

TIMOCLES Yes, they have, Damis, they have, and they will punish you some day in the hereafter.

DAMIS And when can they find time for me, when they have so many cares, you say, and manage all creation, which is unlimited in its extent? That is why they have not yet paid.you back for all your false oaths and everything else—I don’t want to be forced to deal in abuse like you, contrary to our stipulations : and yet I don’t see what better manifestation of their providence they could have made than to crush your life out miserably, miserable sinner that you are! But it is clear that they are away from home, across the Ocean, no doubt, visiting the guileless Ethiopians.[*](Iliad, 1, 423.) At any rate it is their custom to go and dine with them continually, even self-invited at times.

TIMOCLES What can I say in reply to all this impudence, Damis ?

DAMIS Tell me what I wanted you to tell me long ago, how you were induced to believe that the gods exercise providence.

TIMOCLES In the first place the order of nature convinced me, the sun always going the same road and the moon likewise and the seasons changing and plants growing and living creatures being born, and these latter so cleverly devised that they can support life and move and think and walk and build houses and cobble shoes—and all the rest of it; these seem to me to be works of providence.

DAMIS That is just the question, Timocles, and you are trying to beg it, for it is not yet proved that each of

1. That’s but a sorry answer ; try again.

TIMOCLES For my part I don’t think that any further proof is necessary on top of all this. Nevertheless I'll tell ou. Answer me this: do you think that Homer is the best poet ?

DAMIS Yes, certainly,

TIMOCLES Well, it was he that convinced me with his portrayal of the providence of the gods.

DAMIS But, my admirable friend, everybody will agree with you that Homer is a good poet, to be sure, but not that he or any other poet whatsoever is a truthful witness. They do not pay any heed to truth, I take it, but only to charming their hearers, and to this end they enchant them with metres and entrance

However, I should like to know what it was of Homer’s that convinced you most. What he says about Zeus, how his daughter and his brother and his wife made a plot to fetter him?[*](Iliad 1, 396.) If Thetis had not summoned Briareus, our excellent Zeus would have been caught and put in chains. For this he returned thanks to Thetis by deceiving Agamemnon, sending a false vision to him, in order that many of the Achaeans might lose their lives.[*](Iliad 2, 5.) Don’t you see, it was impossible for him to hurl a thunderbolt and burn. up Agamemnon himself without making himself out a liar? Or perhaps you were most inclined to believe when you heard how Diomed wounded Aphrodite and then even Ares himself at the suggestion of Athena,[*](Iliad 5, 335, 855.) and how shortly afterwards the gods themselves fell to and began duelling promiscuously, males and females ;[*](Iliad 20, 54.) Athena defeated Ares, already overtaxed, no doubt by the wound he had received from Diomed,[*](Iliad 21, 403.) and "Leto fought against Hermes, the stalwart god of good fortune.”[*](Iliad 20, 72.) Or perhaps you thought the tale about Artemis credible, that, being a fault-finding person, she got angry when she was not invited to a feast by Oeneus and so turned loose on his land a monstrous boar of irresistible strength.[*](Iliad 9, 533.) Did Homer convince you by saying that sort of thing?