Miles Gloriosus
Plautus, Titus Maccius
Plautus. The Comedies of Plautus, Volume 1. Riley, H. T., translator. London: G. Bell and Sons, Ltd., 1912.
- Troth, if I had had them, enough anxiety should I have had from my children. --- I should have been everlastingly tormented in mind; but if perchance one had had a fever, I think I should have died. Or if one, in liquor, had tumbled anywhere from his horse, I should have been afraid that he had broken his legs or neck on that occasion.
- ’Tis right that riches should come, and that long life should be granted to this man, who both husbands his property and yet enjoys himself and has kind wishes for his friends.
- O what a delightful person! So may the Gods and Goddesses prosper me, ’twere right the Deities should so ordain that all should not live after one rule as to the duration of life. Just as he who is a trusty market-officer[*](Market-officer: Agoranomuswas the name of a public officer among the Greeks, who, like the aedilis plebisat Rome, had the inspection or the wares offered for sale in the public markets.) sets their prices on the wares; as that which is good or valuable is sold according to its excellence, and that which is worthless, according to the faultiness of the commodity, deprives its owner of its price; so were it right that the Gods should. portion out the life of man, so as to give to him who is kindly disposed a long life, and speedily to deprive of existence those who are reprobate and wicked. If they had provided this, bad men would both have been fewer, and with less hardihood would they do their wicked deeds; and then, those who were good men, of them there would have been a more plenteous harvest.
- He who would blame the ordinances of the Gods must be foolish and ignorant. --- At present we must at once have an end of these matters; for new I want to go to market, that, my guest, according to your own deserts and mine, I may entertain you hospitably at my house, heartily and with right hearty cheer.
- I am content with[*](I am content with: Nil me paenitet;I am not dissatisfied with.) the expense that I have been to you already. For no guest can be thus hospitably entertained by a friend, but that when he has been there three days running, he must now become a bore; but when he is prolonging his stay for ten successive days, he is a nuisance to the household. Although the master willingly allows it, the servants grumble.
- I have trained up the servants that are in my service, my guest, not to rule over me, or for me to be obedient to them. If that is disagreable to them which is agreable to me, I steer my own course[*](Steer my own course: Meo rem remigio gero;literally, I carry on my own business with my own staff of rowers. The rowers were frequently slaves, and of course were kept in strict subordination. He alludes to the regularity of his household, where everything is done in its proper time and place, and the promptness with which he is in the habit of being obeyed. We need hardly remark that most of the servi, or servants, were slaves.); that which they don’t like must still be done at their peril, and whether they like it or no. Now, as I intended, I shall go to market.
- If you are resolved, do cater somewhat within bounds, at no great expense; anything is enough for me[*](Is enough for me: Mihi quidvis sat estseem to have been an antiquated and hackneyed expression, used by philosophers and old-fashioned people, to imply their habits of self-denial and frugality.).
- Won’t you now[*](Won’t you now: He tells him to have done with such stale canting expressions, which are now worn threadbare, and have descended to the tables of the mob. Indeed, he says right, for nothing can be more annoying than pretended refusals, and bowings and scrapings, where they are merely an affectation of a modesty, humility, or self-denial that is not really felt.) have done with that old-fashioned and antiquated talk? Now surely, guest, you are using the cant of the vulgar[*](Cant of the vulgar: The proletariiwere the poorest class of the free citizens, who, according to Livy, were possessed of less than eleven thousand asses, and could serve the state, not with money, but with their children (proles).). For they are in the habit of saying, when they have taken their places, when dinner is put on table: What necessity was there for you to go to this great expense on out account? Surely you were mad, for this same dinner was enough for ten persons. What has been provided on their account they find fault with; they eat it up, however.
- Troth, in that self-same fashion ’tis generally done. How clever and shrewd is his discernment.
- But these same persons never say, although such an abundance has been provided, Do order that to be taken off; do take away this dish; remove this gammon of bacon, I’ll have none of it; put aside that piece of pork; this conger’s good[*](This conger’s good: Lampreys and conger eels were very much esteemed by the Romans. Probably the conger was considered best when eaten cold.) when cold; remove it, take and put it aside. You hear none of them saying this in earnest, but they stretch themselves out, while with half their bodies[*](Half their bodies: This would be the more easily done when we remember that the guests were reclining on the triclinium, or couch, which was above the level of the table on which the viands were placed.) on the table, they are indulging their appetite.
- How cleverly the good soul has described their bad manners.
- I have not said a hundredth part of what I could have enlarged upon had there been leisure for the matter.
- The business, then, that we are about—to that we ought first to turn our thoughts. Do you both, now, give me your attention. I have need, Periplecomenus, of your assistance; for I have hit upon a pleasant trick, how this Captain with his long locks may be fleeced quite close[*](Be fleeced quite close: By his mention of the Captain’s long locks, he seems to intend a pun on the word admutilo, to bamboozle or cajole, which, literally, signifies to clip, or shave close.), and how we may effect a means for Philocomasium, and this her lover, that he may carry her off hence, and have her as his own.
- I wish this plan to be imparted to me.
- And I, wish that ring of yours to be imparted to me.
- For what purpose is it to be used?
- When I have got it, I will impart the plan of my devices.
- Take and use it. (Gives him the ring.)
- Take from me in return the plan of my contrivance that I have hit upon.
- We are listening to you with most attentive ear.