Miles Gloriosus
Plautus, Titus Maccius
Plautus. The Comedies of Plautus, Volume 1. Riley, H. T., translator. London: G. Bell and Sons, Ltd., 1912.
- Ought I to employ these years of yours in seconding my love?
- How say you? Do I seem to you so very much a subject for Acheron[*](Subject for Acheron: Acherunticus, an inhabitant of Acheron, meaning one on the very verge of the grave.)? So much a bier’s-man[*](A bier’s-man: The bodies of the more respectable people were carried to the grave on a kind of couch, which was called feretrum, or capulus;whence the present term capularis, a subject for the capulus. The bodies of poor citizens and slaves were carried on a kind of bier, called sandapila.Oudendorp and Becker think, however, that the word capulusmeans a coffin of wood or of stone, and not the same as feretrum, a couch, or bier. The old gentleman is very naturally somewhat offended at the remark of Pleusicles.)? Do I seem to you to have had so very long a life? Why, really, I am not more than four-and-fifty years old; I see clearly with my eyes, I’m ready with my hands, I’m active with my feet.
- If he is seen by you to have white hair, he is by no means an old man in mind; in him the natural strength of his mind is unimpaired.
- By my troth, for my part, I have found it to be so as you say, Palaestrio; for, in fact, his kindness is quite that of a young man.
- Yes, my guest, the more you make trial of it, the more you will know my courtesy towards you in your love.
- What need to know what’s known already?
- I’ll show you more amiability on my part than I’ll make mention of --- that you may have instances for proving it at home, and not have to seek it out of doors. For unless one has loved himself, with difficulty he sees into the feelings of one in love. But I have some little love and moisture in my body still, and not yet am I dried up for the pursuits of merriment and pleasure. Either the merry banterer likewise, or the agreable boon-companion will I be; no interrupter of another am I at a feast. I bear in mind how properly to keep myself from proving disagreable to my fellow-guests; and how to take a due share with my conversation, and to be silent as well in my turn, when the discourse belongs to another. Far from being a spitter or hawker am I, far from being a dirty-nosed old fellow, too. And never do I take liberties with any person’s mistress when out in company; I don’t snatch up the dainty bits before another, nor take the cup before my turn; nor, through wine, do dissensions ever arise on my account at the convivial board. If there is any one there that is disagreable, I go off home; I cut the parley short. Stretched at my ease, I devote myself to pleasure, love, and mirth. In fine, at Ephesus was I born, not among the Apulians, not at Animula[*](At Animula: The people of Apulia, in the south of Italy, were noted for their clownish manners. Animula, as we learn from Festus, was a little town in that country; probably its inhabitants were the most remarkable of all for their rusticity. Absurdities and anachronisms not unfrequently occur in our author. There is something absurd in a merry old gentleman of Ephesus going all the way to Animula for a simile.).
- O what a most delightful old man, if he possesses the qualities he mentions! Why, troth, surely now, he was brought up in the very rearing of Venus.
- Why, in fact, you will not find another person who is of his years, more accomplished in every respect, or who is more a friend to his friend.
- By my troth, your whole manners really do show marks of first-rate breeding. Find me three men of such manners against a like weight in double-distilled gold[*](Double distilled gold: Aurichalcoprobably signifies here, as in some other passages, a fabulous metal of more value than even gold. Orichalcum, however, properly means either one of the ores of copper, or a metallic compound much used by the ancients, which was probably brass, formed by the combination of zinc ore and copper. Supposing gold to be one of its constituents, they corrupted its original name, orichalcum, into aurichalcum.The former word is supposed by the author of the article orichalcum, in Dr. Smith’s Dictionary, to have been a compound of ὄροσ and χαλκὸς, mountain bronze, so called from fusing copper with an ore as found in the mountains. Contra, in this sentence, has the meaning of to or against, in staking for a bet: three men against their weight in gold; a horse to a hen, as the betting men sometimes say.).
- I’ll make you confess that I really am a youngster in my manners; so abounding in kindnesses will I prove myself to you in every respect. Should you have need of an advocate, severe or fierce? I am he. Have you need of one that is gentle? You shall say that I am more gentle than the sea is when hush’d, and something more balmy will I prove than is the Zephyr breeze[*](The Zephyr breeze: Literally, Favonius, one of the names of the West wind.). In this same person will I display to you either the most jovial boon-companion, or the first-rate trencher-man[*](First-rate trencher-man: Parasituscannot be here intended to be used in a bad sense, as he is speaking of his own merits. It must mean a boon-companion or jolly fellow.), and the best of caterers. Then, as for dancing, there is no ballet-master that is so supple as I.
- to PLEUSICLES. What could you wish added to these accomplishments, if the option were given you?
- That thanks could be returned by me to him in degree equal to his deserts, and to yourself, to both of whom I feel that I am now the cause of extreme anxiety. But it is grievous to me to be the cause of so great expense to you.
- You are a simpleton. For, if you lay anything out on a bad wife and upon an enemy, that is an expense; that which is laid out on a deserving guest and a friend is gain; as that, which is expended upon sacred rites, is a profit to the wise man. By the blessing of the Gods, I have enough, with which to receive you with hospitality in my house. Eat, drink, indulge your tastes with me, and surfeit yourself with enjoyments; my house is at your service, myself likewise do I wish to be at your service. For, through the blessing of the Gods, I may say that, by reason of my wealth, I could have married a dowered wife of the best family; but I don’t choose to introduce an everlasting female barker at me into my house.
- Why don’t you choose? For ’tis a delightful thing to be the father of children [liberos].
- Troth, ’tis very much sweeter by far to be free[*](To be free: There is a play on the word liber, here, which means either a child, or a free person. He says that it is much more pleasant to be liberum(a free person), than to be the father of a liberum(a child). The word liber, meaning a child, is very rarely used in the singular number. The remark of Pleusicles is rather modified in the translation.) [liberum] yourself. For a good wife, if it is possible for her to be married anywhere on earth, where can I find her? But am I to take one home who is never to say this to me, Buy me some wool, my dear, with which a soft and warm cloak may be made, and good winter under-clothes[*](Under-clothes: The tunicawas that part of the clothing which was next to the skin.), that you mayn’t catch cold this winter-weather; such an expression as this you can never hear from a wife, but, before the cocks crow, she awakes me from my sleep, and says, Give me some money, my dear, with which to make my mother a present on the Calends[*](On the Calends: He alludes to the Calends of March, which, as the commencement of the old Roman year, was particularly celebrated by the Roman matrons, who then gave presents to each other, and received them from their husbands. The festival was called Matronalia, and sacrifices were offered to Juno Lucina, the guardian of pregnant women. See the Fasti of Ovid, B. 3, l. 257.), give me some money to make preserves; give me something to give on the Quinquatrus[*](On the Quinquatrus: The first day of the Quinquatrus, or five-day feast, was on the 19th of March. Festus says, that it had its name from its beginning on the fifth day after the Ides. See the Fasti of Ovid, B. 3, l. 810. This festival was sacred to Minerva.) to the sorceress[*](To the sorceress: The praecantrixwas a woman who, by her incantations, was powerful to avert evil. Conjectrixwas a female who interpreted dreams. Ariolawas supposed to be an inspired prophetess. Aruspicawas a female who divined by means of the entrails, lightning, and other phenomena. Piatrixwas the woman who purified the company and performed the expiations, on the day on which the child received its name.), to the woman who interprets the dreams, to the prophetess, and to the female diviner; besides, ’tis impossible for me, in civility, not to fee the expiating woman; for long has [*](For long has: A critic in the St. James’s Magazine for January, 1763, says, on this point, that these various importunities, since they relate to a state of things now entirely passed away, lose all their effect on the reader; but when such insinuating addresses tend to procure a footboy, or a new year’s gift, or something handsome to give to servants, or to the wet-nurse, or the Methodist preacher, there is no married man whatever but would enter directly into the spirit of such requests. This sweeping remark may possibly be somewhat less remote from truth than it is from gallantry to the fair sex.) the mattress-maker[*](The mattress-maker: Torariaseems to be the bed, or mattress-maker. Other editions have ceraria, the woman who supplies wax candles for sacrifice. Others, again, have gerula, the nursemaid that carries the children.) been grumbling, because she has received nothing; besides, the midwife found fault with me, that too little had been sent for her. What! arn’t you going to send something to the nurse that brings up the young slaves[*](The young slaves: The vernaewere the slaves that were born under the master’s roof. They were more indulged than the other slaves, and were noted for their extreme impudence and presumption.)? It’s a shame if nothing’s sent her; with what a brow[*](With what a brow: The reference here may probably be to the evil eye, which, of injurious effect at all times, would be supposed to be particularly so in the case of a nurse.) she does look at me. These and many other expenses of the women like to these frighten me from a wife, to be uttering speeches to me like to this.
- In good sooth, the Gods are propitious to you; for so soon as you lose this liberty, you will not easily reinstate yourself in the same condition.
- You are a person who are able to counsel wisely both for another and for yourself. But ’tis some merit for a man of noble family and of ample wealth to rear children—a memorial of his race and of himself.
- Since I have many relations, what need have I of children? Now I live well and happily, and as I like, and as contents my feelings. For I shall bequeath my property to my relations, and divide it among them. These, like children, pay attentions to me; they come to see how I do, or what I want; before it is daybreak they are with me; they make inquiry how I have enjoyed my sleep in the night. Them will I have for children who are ever sending presents to me. Are they sacrificing—they give a greater part of it to me than to themselves; they take me home with them to share the entrails[*](To share the entrails: It was the custom, after their portions had been sacrificed to the Gods, to reserve a part of the entrails for the persons who sacrificed. These invited their dearest and most intimate friends to partake of them, or, if they could not attend, were in the habit of sending their share to them. The old man here flatters himself that he is a general favorite, although, bye and bye, he hints a suspicion that, being a rich old bachelor, the love of his friends is not quite disinterested.); they invite me to their houses to breakfast and to dinner. He thinks himself most unfortunate, who has sent but very little to me. They vie with one another with their presents; I say in a low voice to myself: They are gaping after my property; while, in their emulation, they are nourishing me and loading me with presents.
- Upon right good grounds and right well do you fully understand yourself and your own interests, and if you are happy, sons twofold and threefold have you.