Miles Gloriosus
Plautus, Titus Maccius
Plautus. The Comedies of Plautus, Volume 1. Riley, H. T., translator. London: G. Bell and Sons, Ltd., 1912.
- to PLEUSICLES. What could you wish added to these accomplishments, if the option were given you?
- That thanks could be returned by me to him in degree equal to his deserts, and to yourself, to both of whom I feel that I am now the cause of extreme anxiety. But it is grievous to me to be the cause of so great expense to you.
- You are a simpleton. For, if you lay anything out on a bad wife and upon an enemy, that is an expense; that which is laid out on a deserving guest and a friend is gain; as that, which is expended upon sacred rites, is a profit to the wise man. By the blessing of the Gods, I have enough, with which to receive you with hospitality in my house. Eat, drink, indulge your tastes with me, and surfeit yourself with enjoyments; my house is at your service, myself likewise do I wish to be at your service. For, through the blessing of the Gods, I may say that, by reason of my wealth, I could have married a dowered wife of the best family; but I don’t choose to introduce an everlasting female barker at me into my house.
- Why don’t you choose? For ’tis a delightful thing to be the father of children [liberos].
- Troth, ’tis very much sweeter by far to be free[*](To be free: There is a play on the word liber, here, which means either a child, or a free person. He says that it is much more pleasant to be liberum(a free person), than to be the father of a liberum(a child). The word liber, meaning a child, is very rarely used in the singular number. The remark of Pleusicles is rather modified in the translation.) [liberum] yourself. For a good wife, if it is possible for her to be married anywhere on earth, where can I find her? But am I to take one home who is never to say this to me, Buy me some wool, my dear, with which a soft and warm cloak may be made, and good winter under-clothes[*](Under-clothes: The tunicawas that part of the clothing which was next to the skin.), that you mayn’t catch cold this winter-weather; such an expression as this you can never hear from a wife, but, before the cocks crow, she awakes me from my sleep, and says, Give me some money, my dear, with which to make my mother a present on the Calends[*](On the Calends: He alludes to the Calends of March, which, as the commencement of the old Roman year, was particularly celebrated by the Roman matrons, who then gave presents to each other, and received them from their husbands. The festival was called Matronalia, and sacrifices were offered to Juno Lucina, the guardian of pregnant women. See the Fasti of Ovid, B. 3, l. 257.), give me some money to make preserves; give me something to give on the Quinquatrus[*](On the Quinquatrus: The first day of the Quinquatrus, or five-day feast, was on the 19th of March. Festus says, that it had its name from its beginning on the fifth day after the Ides. See the Fasti of Ovid, B. 3, l. 810. This festival was sacred to Minerva.) to the sorceress[*](To the sorceress: The praecantrixwas a woman who, by her incantations, was powerful to avert evil. Conjectrixwas a female who interpreted dreams. Ariolawas supposed to be an inspired prophetess. Aruspicawas a female who divined by means of the entrails, lightning, and other phenomena. Piatrixwas the woman who purified the company and performed the expiations, on the day on which the child received its name.), to the woman who interprets the dreams, to the prophetess, and to the female diviner; besides, ’tis impossible for me, in civility, not to fee the expiating woman; for long has [*](For long has: A critic in the St. James’s Magazine for January, 1763, says, on this point, that these various importunities, since they relate to a state of things now entirely passed away, lose all their effect on the reader; but when such insinuating addresses tend to procure a footboy, or a new year’s gift, or something handsome to give to servants, or to the wet-nurse, or the Methodist preacher, there is no married man whatever but would enter directly into the spirit of such requests. This sweeping remark may possibly be somewhat less remote from truth than it is from gallantry to the fair sex.) the mattress-maker[*](The mattress-maker: Torariaseems to be the bed, or mattress-maker. Other editions have ceraria, the woman who supplies wax candles for sacrifice. Others, again, have gerula, the nursemaid that carries the children.) been grumbling, because she has received nothing; besides, the midwife found fault with me, that too little had been sent for her. What! arn’t you going to send something to the nurse that brings up the young slaves[*](The young slaves: The vernaewere the slaves that were born under the master’s roof. They were more indulged than the other slaves, and were noted for their extreme impudence and presumption.)? It’s a shame if nothing’s sent her; with what a brow[*](With what a brow: The reference here may probably be to the evil eye, which, of injurious effect at all times, would be supposed to be particularly so in the case of a nurse.) she does look at me. These and many other expenses of the women like to these frighten me from a wife, to be uttering speeches to me like to this.
- In good sooth, the Gods are propitious to you; for so soon as you lose this liberty, you will not easily reinstate yourself in the same condition.
- You are a person who are able to counsel wisely both for another and for yourself. But ’tis some merit for a man of noble family and of ample wealth to rear children—a memorial of his race and of himself.
- Since I have many relations, what need have I of children? Now I live well and happily, and as I like, and as contents my feelings. For I shall bequeath my property to my relations, and divide it among them. These, like children, pay attentions to me; they come to see how I do, or what I want; before it is daybreak they are with me; they make inquiry how I have enjoyed my sleep in the night. Them will I have for children who are ever sending presents to me. Are they sacrificing—they give a greater part of it to me than to themselves; they take me home with them to share the entrails[*](To share the entrails: It was the custom, after their portions had been sacrificed to the Gods, to reserve a part of the entrails for the persons who sacrificed. These invited their dearest and most intimate friends to partake of them, or, if they could not attend, were in the habit of sending their share to them. The old man here flatters himself that he is a general favorite, although, bye and bye, he hints a suspicion that, being a rich old bachelor, the love of his friends is not quite disinterested.); they invite me to their houses to breakfast and to dinner. He thinks himself most unfortunate, who has sent but very little to me. They vie with one another with their presents; I say in a low voice to myself: They are gaping after my property; while, in their emulation, they are nourishing me and loading me with presents.
- Upon right good grounds and right well do you fully understand yourself and your own interests, and if you are happy, sons twofold and threefold have you.
- Troth, if I had had them, enough anxiety should I have had from my children. --- I should have been everlastingly tormented in mind; but if perchance one had had a fever, I think I should have died. Or if one, in liquor, had tumbled anywhere from his horse, I should have been afraid that he had broken his legs or neck on that occasion.
- ’Tis right that riches should come, and that long life should be granted to this man, who both husbands his property and yet enjoys himself and has kind wishes for his friends.
- O what a delightful person! So may the Gods and Goddesses prosper me, ’twere right the Deities should so ordain that all should not live after one rule as to the duration of life. Just as he who is a trusty market-officer[*](Market-officer: Agoranomuswas the name of a public officer among the Greeks, who, like the aedilis plebisat Rome, had the inspection or the wares offered for sale in the public markets.) sets their prices on the wares; as that which is good or valuable is sold according to its excellence, and that which is worthless, according to the faultiness of the commodity, deprives its owner of its price; so were it right that the Gods should. portion out the life of man, so as to give to him who is kindly disposed a long life, and speedily to deprive of existence those who are reprobate and wicked. If they had provided this, bad men would both have been fewer, and with less hardihood would they do their wicked deeds; and then, those who were good men, of them there would have been a more plenteous harvest.
- He who would blame the ordinances of the Gods must be foolish and ignorant. --- At present we must at once have an end of these matters; for new I want to go to market, that, my guest, according to your own deserts and mine, I may entertain you hospitably at my house, heartily and with right hearty cheer.
- I am content with[*](I am content with: Nil me paenitet;I am not dissatisfied with.) the expense that I have been to you already. For no guest can be thus hospitably entertained by a friend, but that when he has been there three days running, he must now become a bore; but when he is prolonging his stay for ten successive days, he is a nuisance to the household. Although the master willingly allows it, the servants grumble.
- I have trained up the servants that are in my service, my guest, not to rule over me, or for me to be obedient to them. If that is disagreable to them which is agreable to me, I steer my own course[*](Steer my own course: Meo rem remigio gero;literally, I carry on my own business with my own staff of rowers. The rowers were frequently slaves, and of course were kept in strict subordination. He alludes to the regularity of his household, where everything is done in its proper time and place, and the promptness with which he is in the habit of being obeyed. We need hardly remark that most of the servi, or servants, were slaves.); that which they don’t like must still be done at their peril, and whether they like it or no. Now, as I intended, I shall go to market.
- If you are resolved, do cater somewhat within bounds, at no great expense; anything is enough for me[*](Is enough for me: Mihi quidvis sat estseem to have been an antiquated and hackneyed expression, used by philosophers and old-fashioned people, to imply their habits of self-denial and frugality.).
- Won’t you now[*](Won’t you now: He tells him to have done with such stale canting expressions, which are now worn threadbare, and have descended to the tables of the mob. Indeed, he says right, for nothing can be more annoying than pretended refusals, and bowings and scrapings, where they are merely an affectation of a modesty, humility, or self-denial that is not really felt.) have done with that old-fashioned and antiquated talk? Now surely, guest, you are using the cant of the vulgar[*](Cant of the vulgar: The proletariiwere the poorest class of the free citizens, who, according to Livy, were possessed of less than eleven thousand asses, and could serve the state, not with money, but with their children (proles).). For they are in the habit of saying, when they have taken their places, when dinner is put on table: What necessity was there for you to go to this great expense on out account? Surely you were mad, for this same dinner was enough for ten persons. What has been provided on their account they find fault with; they eat it up, however.
- Troth, in that self-same fashion ’tis generally done. How clever and shrewd is his discernment.
- But these same persons never say, although such an abundance has been provided, Do order that to be taken off; do take away this dish; remove this gammon of bacon, I’ll have none of it; put aside that piece of pork; this conger’s good[*](This conger’s good: Lampreys and conger eels were very much esteemed by the Romans. Probably the conger was considered best when eaten cold.) when cold; remove it, take and put it aside. You hear none of them saying this in earnest, but they stretch themselves out, while with half their bodies[*](Half their bodies: This would be the more easily done when we remember that the guests were reclining on the triclinium, or couch, which was above the level of the table on which the viands were placed.) on the table, they are indulging their appetite.