Priapeia

What hast thou to do with me, thou meddlesome watchman? why dost thou hinder the thief from coming to me? Let him approach: he will return more 'open

The greatest advantage in my penis is this, that no woman can be [too] roomy[*]( A popular theme of the poets. From Scioppius, 'However loose her coynte may be I will zealously fill it.' And from Martial against Lydia--'Me roomy Lydia's private parts surpassThe lusty dray horse' elephantine arse;Wide as the schoolboy's ringing iron hoop;Vast as the ring the agile riders stoopAnd leap through neatly, touching not the side,As round and round the dusty course they ride;Capacious as some old and well-worn shoe,That's trudged the muddy streets since first 'twas new;Stretched like the net the crafty fowler holds;And drapery as a curtain's heavy folds;Loose as the bracelet gemmed with green and scarlet,That mocks the arm of some consumptive harlot;Slack as a feather bed without the feathers;And baggy as some ostler's well-used leathers;Relaxed and hanging like the skinny coatThat shields the vulture's foul and flabby throat.'Tis said, while bathing once we trod love's path,I know not, but I seemed to fuck the bath.A somewhat similar person was the provident wife in the poem of "The Sutler', who when her husband was robbed of his horses and waggon and all his goods by a party of the enemy's forces, consoled him as follows--'No matter,' she said, and look'd with a smile,'I did the damn'd party, in some sort, beguile;'Then drew out a purse twice as big as your fist,'Tho' they search'd me,' said she, 'this treasure they missed;Then prithee, be cheerful.' This gave him new life,He wept, and he laugh'd, and he ogl'd his wife,And leering upon her, said, 'Tell me, my dear,Where was it you hid the purse I see here?'She smil'd on her spouse, then laugh'd in his face,'I hid it,' said she, 'in a certain place,With which you're acquainted! He said, 'My dear life,I see you're a careful and provident wife;You've done very well, but you'd had more to brag on,If you there had conceal'd the horses and waggon.') for me.

Will Telethusa, the posture-dancer, who heaves up her haunches, denuded of tunic, more gracefully and higher than her bosom,[*]( The posture alluded to is that attitude in coition in which the man lies supine, whilst the woman mounts on him and provokes the orgasm by her movements.) ever, with undulating loins,[*]( In the original Latin, flucto, referring here to the wave-like motion of the loins during congress.) wriggle her thighs[*]( In the original Latin, crisso, meaning the buckings and wrigglings of a woman's thighs and haunches during congress.) for thee in such wise as not only to excite thy desires, O Priapus, but even those of the stepson of Phaedra?

Jove controls the thunderbolts; the trident is Neptune's weapon; Mars is mighty by the sword; thine, Minerva, is the spear. Bacchus fights his battles with a bundle of thyrsi; the bolt, we are told, is shot by Apollo's hand. Hercules' invincible right arm is equipped with a club; but a mentule at full stretch makes me appalling

All my wealth have I lost; be propitious when I ask thee, nor betray me, Priapus, by word or deed. Tell it to none, that these home-grown apples, which I have placed on thy altar, are from the Sacred Way