Dialogi mortuorum

Hermes Pass on.—And who may you be, my bulky friend?

Damasias Damasias the athlete.

Hermes To be sure; many is the time I have seen you in the gymnasium.

Damasias You have. Well, I have peeled; let me pass.

Hermes Peeled! my dear sir, what, with all this fleshy encumbrance? Come, off with it; we should go to the bottom if you put one foot aboard. And those crowns, those victories, remove them.

Damasias There; no mistake about it this time; I am as light as any shade among them.

Hermes That’s more the kind of thing. On with you.—Crato, you can take off that wealth and luxury and effeminacy; and we can’t have that funeral pomp here, nor those ancestral glories either; down with your rank and reputation, and any votes of thanks or inscriptions you have about you; and you need not tell us what size your tomb was; remarks of that kind come heavy.

Crato Well, if I must, I must; there’s no help for it.

Hermes Hullo! in full armour? What does this mean? and why this trophy?

A General I am a great conqueror; a valiant warrior; my country’s pride.

Hermes The trophy may stop behind; we are at peace; there is no demand for arms.—

Whom have we here? whose is this knitted brow, this flowing beard? 'Tis some reverend sage, if outside goes for anything; he mutters; he is wrapped in meditation.

Menippus That’s a philosopher, Hermes; and an impudent quack into the bargain. Have him out of that cloak; you will find something to amuse you underneath it.

Hermes Off with your clothes first; and then we will see to the rest. My goodness, what a bundle: quackery, ignorance, quarrelsomeness, vainglory; idle questionings, prickly arguments, intricate conceptions; humbug and gammon and wishywashy hair-splittings without end; and hullo! why here’s avarice, and self-indulgence, and impudence! luxury, effeminacy and peevishness!—Yes, I see them all; you need not try to hide them. Away with falsehood and swagger and superciliousness; why, the three-decker is not built that would hold you with all this luggage.

A Philosopher I resign them all, since such is your bidding.