I wish to place on record the proceedings in heaven October 13 last, of the new year
which begins this auspicious age. It shall be done without malice or favour. This is
the truth. Ask if you like how I know it? To begin with, I am not bound to please
you with my answer. Who will compel me? I know the same day made me free, which was
the last day for him who made the proverb true—One must be born either a
Pharaoh or a fool. If I choose to answer, I will say whatever trips off my tongue.
Who. has ever made the historian produce witness to swear for him? But if an
authority must be produced, ask of the man who saw Drusilla translated to heaven:
the same man will aver he saw Claudius on the road,
I shall make myself better understood, if I say the month was October, the
day was the thirteenth. What hour it was I cannot certainly tell; philosophers will
agree more often than clocks; but it was between midday and one after noon.
Clumsy creature!
you say. The poets are not content to
describe sunrise and sunset, and now they even disturb the midday siesta. Will
you thus neglect so good an hour?
Claudius began to breathe his last, and could not
make an end of the matter. Then Mercury, who had always been much pleased with his
wit, drew aside one of the three Fates, and said: "Cruel beldame, why do you let the
poor wretch be tormented? Afterqui te natum non
putat.Kill him, and let a better man
rule in his
Clotho replied: 'Upon my word, I did wish to give him another hour or two, until he
should make Roman citizens of the half dozen who are still outsiders. (He made up
his mind, you know, to see the whole world in the toga, Greeks, Gauls, Spaniards,
Britons, and all.) But since it is your pleasure to leave a few foreigners for seed,
and since you command me, so be it." She opened her box and out came three spindles.
One was for Augurinus, one for Baba, one for Claudius.These three,
she says,I will cause to die within one year and
at no great distance apart, and I will not dismiss him unattended. Think of all
the thousands of men he was wont to see following after him, thousands going
before, thousands all crowding about him; and it would never do to leave him
alone on a sudden. These boon companions will satisfy him for the nonce.
Thus Apollo. But Lachesis, quite as ready to cast a favourable eye on a
handsome man, spins away by the handful, and bestows years and years upon Nero out
of her own pocket. As for Claudius, they tell everybody
At once he bubbled up the ghost, and there was an end to that shadow of a
life. He was listening to a troupe of comedians when he died, so you see I have
reason to fear those gentry. The last words he was heard to speak in this world were
these. When he had made a great noise with that part of him which talkedOh dear, oh dear! I think I have made
a mess of myself.
Whether he did or no, I cannot say, but certain it is
he always did make a mess of everything.
What happened next on earth it is mere waste of time
to tell, for you know it all well enough, and there is no fear of your ever
forgetting the impression which that public rejoicing made on your memory. No one
forgets his own happiness. What happened in heaven you shall hear: for proof please
apply to my informant. Word comes to Jupiter that a stranger had arrived, a man of
fair height and hair well sprinkled with grey; he seemed to be threatening
something, for he wagged his head ceaselessly; he dragged the right foot. They asked
him what nation he was of; he answered something in a confused mumbling voice: his
language they did not understand. He was no Greek and no Roman, nor of any known
race. On this Jupiter bids Hercules go and find out what country he comes from; you
see Hercules had travelled over the whole world, and might be expected to know all
the nations in it. But Hercules, the first glimpse he got, was really much taken
aback, although not all the monsters in the world could frighten him; when he saw
this new kind of object, with its extraordinary gait, and the voice of no
terrestrial beast, but such as you might hear in the leviathans of the deep, hoarse
and inarticulate, he thought his thirteenth labour had come upon him. When he looked
closer, the thing seemed to be a kind of man. Up he goes, then, and says what your
Greek finds readiest to his tongue:Who art thou, and what thy people? Who thy
Claudius was delighted to find literary men in that place, and began to hope there
might be some corner for his own historical works. So he caps him with another
Homeric verse, explaining that he was Caesar:Breezes wafted me from Ilion unto the Ciconian
But the next verse was more true, and no less Homeric:Thither come, I sacked a city, slew the people every one.
He would have taken in poor simple Hercules, but
that Our Lady of Malaria was there, who left her temple and came alone with him: all
the other gods he had left at Rome. Quoth she, The fellow's tale is nothing
but lies. I have lived with him all these years, and I tell you, he was born at
Lyons. You behold a fellow-burgess of Marcus.
At this point Claudius flared up, and
expressed his wrath with as big a growl as he could manage. What he said nobody
understood; as a matter of fact, he was ordering my lady of Fever to be taken away,
and making that sign with his trembling hand (which
Then Hercules said, You just listen to me,
and stop playing the fool. You have come to the place where the mice nibble
iron.
Then to make himself all the
more awful, he strikes an attitude and proceeds in his most tragic vein:
These lines he delivered with much spirit and a bold front. All the same,
he was not quite master of hisGallum means both Gaul and cock; the proverb plays on
his birthplace.I did hope, Hercules,
bravest of all the gods, that you would take my part with the rest, and if I
should need a voucher, that I might name you who know me so well. Do but call it
to mind, how it was I used to sit in judgment before your temple whole days
together during July and August. You know what miseries I endured there, in
hearing the lawyers plead day and night. If you had fallen amongst these, you
may think yourself very strong, but you would have found it worse than the
sewers of Augeas: I drained out more filth than you did. But since I want. .
.
(Some pages have fallen out, in which Hercules must have been persuaded. The gods are now discussing what Hercules tells them).
No wonder you have forced your way into the Senate House: no bars or bolts
can hold against you. Only do say what species of god you want the fellow to be
made. An Epicurean god he cannot be: for they take no trouble and cause
none.
The Blessed and Incorruptible neither
itself has trouble nor causes trouble to another.
Saturae Menippeae (now lost), which no doubt burlesqued the Stoic
perfect man,
totus teres atque
rotundus.is in him something of the Stoic god, as I can see
now: he has neither heart nor head. Upon my word, if he had asked this boon from
Saturn, he would not have got it, though he kept up Saturn's feast all the year
round, a truly Saturnalian prince. A likely thing he will get it from Jove, whom
he condemned for incest as far aset soror et coniunx.because people like nice things at Rome, as they do
everywhere.
At last it came into Jove's head, that while strangers were in the House it was not lawful to speak or debate.
My lords and gentlemen,
said he, I gave you leave to ask
questions, and you have made a regular farmyard
So Claudius was led out,
and the first to be asked his opinion was Father Janus: he had been made consul
elect for the afternoon of the next first of July,
Once,
said he, it was a great thing to become a god; now you have made
it a farce.13 has fabam mimtum, which makes it likely
that there should be the same reading here; but as the meaning is so uncertain
it seems best not to alter the text.Inasmuch as the blessed Claudius is akin to the
blessed Augustus, and also to the blessed Augusta, his grandmother, whom he
ordered to be made a goddess, and whereas he far surpasses all mortal men in
wisdom, and seeing that it is for the public good that there be some one able to
join Romulus in devouring boiled turnips,
The meeting was
divided, and it looked as though Claudius was toDon't deny me; I make a point of the matter. I'll do as much for you
again, when you like; you roll my log, and I'll roll yours: one hand washes
another.
Then arose the blessed Augustus, when his turn
came, and spoke with much eloquence.I call you to witness, my lords and gentlemen,
said he, " that since
the day I was made a god I have never uttered one word. I always mind my own
business. But now I can keep on the mask no longer, nor conceal the sorrow which
shame makes all the greater. Is it for this I have made peace by land and sea? For
this have I calmed intestine wars? For this, laid a firm foundation of law for Rome,
adorned it with buildings, and all that—gentlemen, words fail me; there
are none can rise to the height of my indignation. I must borrow that saying of the
eloquent Messala Corvinus, I am ashamed of my authority.Charity begins at home.
The reading of the passage is
uncertain; sister" is only a conjecture, and it is hard to see why his sister
should be mentioned.Inasmuch as the blessed Claudius murdered
his father-in-law Appius Silanus, his two sons-in-law, Pompeius Magnus and L.
Silanus, Crassus Frugi his daughter's father-in-law, as like him as two eggs in
a basket, Scribonia his daughter's mother-in-law, his wife Messalina, and others
too numerous to mention; I propose that strong measures be taken against him,
that he be allowed no delay of process, that immediate sentence of banishment be
passed on him, that he be deported from heaven within thirty days, and from
Olympus within thirty hours.
A division was taken upon this without further debate. Not a moment was lost: Mercury got a grip of his throat, and haled him to the lower regions, to that bourne from which they say no traveller returns."
Did not I tell you the Saturnalia could
not last for ever?
When Claudius saw his own funeral train, he realized that he was dead. For they were chanting his dirge in anapaests, with much mopping and mouthing:
"Pour forth your laments, your sorrow declare, Let the sounds of grief rise high in the air: For he that is dead had a wit most keen, Was bravest of all that on earth have been. Racehorses are nothing to his swift feet: Rebellious Parthians he did defeat; Swift after the Persians his light shafts go: For he well knew how to fit arrow to bow, Swiftly the striped barbarians fled: With one little wound he shot them dead. And the Britons beyond in their unknown seas, Blue-shielded Brigantians too, all these He chained by the neck as the Romans' slaves. He terrified Ocean with all his waves, Made fear a new master to lay down the law. O weep for the man! This world never saw One quicker a troublesome suit to decide, When only one part of the case had been tried, (He could do it indeed and not hear either side). Who'll now sit in judgment the whole year round? Now he that is judge of the shades underground Once ruler of fivescore cities in Crete, Must yield to his better and take a back seat. Mourn, mourn, pettifoggers, ye venal crew, And you, minor poets, woe, woe is to you! And you above all, who get rich quick By the rattle of dice and the three card trick."
Claudius was charmed to hear his own praises sung,
and would have stayed longer to see the show. But the Talthybiusnuntius is obviously a gloss on this. He
means Mercury.What make the gods among mortals?
Look alive,
says Mercury, go and tell them we are
coming.
Away he flew, quicker than tongue can tell it. It is easy going by
that road, all down hill. So although Claudius had a touch of the gout, in a trice
they were come to Dis's door. There lay Cerberus, or, as Horace puts it, the
hundred-headed monster.Claudius is coming!
All marched before him
singing, The lost is found, O let us rejoice together!
Friends everywhere, on my word! How came you all here?
To
this Pedo Pompeius answered, "What, cruel man? How came we here? Who but you sent
us, you, the murderer of all the friends that ever you had? To court with you! I'll
show you where their lordships sit.'
Pedo brings him before the judgement seat of
Aeacus, who was holding court under the Lex Cornelia to try cases of murder and
assassination. Pedo requests the judge to take the prisoner's name, and produces a
summons with this charge: Senators killed, 35; Roman Knights, 221; others as the
sands of the seashore for multitude. Claudius finds no counsel. At
A great silence fell. Not a soul but was stupefied at this new way of
managing matters; they had never known anything like it before. It was no new thing
to Claudius, yet he thought it unfair. There was a long discussion as to the
punishment he ought to endure. Some said that Sisyphus had done his job of porterage
long enough; Tantalus would be dying of thirst, if he were not relieved; the drag
must be put at last on wretched Ixion's wheel. But it was determined not to let off
any of the old stagers, lest Claudius should dare to hope for any such relief. It
was agreed that some new punishment must be devised: they must devise some new task,
something senseless, to suggest some craving without result. Then Aeacus decreed he
should rattle dice for ever in a box with no bottom. At once the poor wretch began
his fruitless task of hunting for the dice, which for ever slipped from his
fingers.As he did, so be he done by, this is justice undefiled.
All on a sudden who should turn up but Caligula, and claims the man for a
slave: brings witnesses, who said they had seen him being flogged, caned,
fisticuffed by him. He is handed over to Caligula, and Caligula makes him a present
to Aeacus. Aeacus delivers him to his freedman Menander, to be his law-clerk.