When men see these things, they spit in the face of philosophy; they think that all philosophers are the same, and blame me their teacher. It is long since I have won over any to my side. I toil like Penelope at the loom, and one moment undoes all that I have done. Ignorance and Wickedness watch my unavailing labours, and smile.

Zeus Really, Philosophy has been shamefully treated. We must take some measures with these rascals. Let us think what isto be done. The single stroke of the thunderbolt is too quick a death.

Apollo Father, I have a suggestion to make. By their neglect of the Muses, these vile quacks have incurred my own resentment as well as Philosophy’s. They are not worthy to die by your hand. Instead, I would advise your sending Hermes to them, with full authority to punish them at his discretion. With his forensic experience, he will be at no loss to distinguish between the true philosopher and the false. The former will receive merited praise: on the latter he will inflict such chastisement as the circumstances demand.

Zeus A sensible proposal. Heracles, you can go too; take Philosophy with you, and lose no time. Think: this will make your thirteenth Labour, and a creditable one too, the extermination of these reptiles.

Hera Rather than meddle with them, I would give the Augean stables a second clean-out. However, let us be starting, Philosophy.

Philosophy If I must, I must.

Hera Yes, come along, and we will polish off a few to-day.— Which way, Philosophy? You know where they are to be found. Somewhere in Greece, of course?

Philosophy Oh no; the few that there are in Greece are genuine philosophers. Attic poverty is not at all to the liking of the impostors; we must look for them in places where gold and silver mines abound.

Hera Straight to Thrace, then?

Hera Yes, Thrace, and I will show you the way. I know every inch of Thrace; I have been there so often. Look here, this is our route.

Hera Yes?

Hera You see those two magnificent mountains (the big one is Haemus, and the other Rhodope), and the fertile plain that spreads between them, running to the very foot of either? Those three grand, rugged crests that stand out so proudly yonder form as it were a triple citadel to the city that lies beneath; you can see it now, look.

Hera Superb! A queen among cities; her splendours reach us even here. And what is the great river that flows so close beneath the walls?

Hera The Hebrus, and the city was built by Philip. Well, we have left the clouds behind us now; let us try our fortune on terra firma.

Hera Very good; and what comes next? How do we hunt our vermin down?

Hera Ah, that is where you come in, Mr. Crier: oblige us by crying them without loss of time.

Hera There is only one objection to that: I do not know what they are called. What names am I to say, Philosophy? and how shall I describe them?

Philosophy I am not sure of their names, as I have never come into contact with them. To judge from their grasping propensities, however, you can hardly go wrong with Cteso, Ctesippus, Ctesicles, Euctemon, PolyctetusCtesis is Greek for ‘gain.’.

Hera To be sure. But who are these men? They seem to be looking for something too. Why, they are coming up to speak to us.

Innkeeper and Masters Excuse us, madam, and gentlemen, but have you come across a company of three rascals conducting a woman—a very masculine-looking female, with hair cut short in the Spartan fashion?

Philosophy Ha! the very people we are looking for!

Masters Indeed, madam? But these are three runaway slaves. The woman was kidnapped by them, and we want to get her back.

Hera Our business with them I will tell you afterwards, For the present, let us make a joint proclamation.

Disappeared A Paphlagonian slave, formerly of Sinope. Any person giving information as to his whereabouts will be rewarded; the amount of the reward to be fixed by the informant. Description. Name: begins with CTE. Complexion: sallow. Hair: close-cropped, with long beard. Dress; a coarse cloak with wallet. Temper: bad. Education: none. Voice: harsh. Manner: offensive.

First Master Why, what is all this about? His name used to be Cantharus when he was with me. He had long hair, and no beard, and was apprenticed to my trade; I am a fuller, and he was in my shop, dressing cloth.

Philosophy Yes, it is the same; but he has dressed to some purpose this time, and has become a philosopher.

First Master Cantharus a philosopher! I like that. And where do I come in?

Second and Third Masters. Oh well, we shall get them all now. This lady knows all about them, it seems.

Philosophy Heracles, who is this comely person with a lyre?

Hera It is Orpheus. I was on the Argo with him. He was the best of boatswains; it was quite a pleasure to row to his singing. Welcome, my musical friend: you have not forgotten Heracles, I hope?

Orpheus And welcome to all of you, Philosophy, Heracles, Hermes. I should like my reward, please: I can lay my finger on your man.

Hera Then show us the way. It is useless, of course, to offer gold to the gifted son of Calliope?

Orpheus Oh, quite.—I will show you the house, but not the man. His tongue might avenge him; scurrility is his strong point.

Hera Lead on.

Orpheus It is this house close by. And now I shall leave you; I have no wish to set eyes on him.

Hera Hush! Was that a woman’s voice, reciting Homer?

Philosophy It was. Let us listen.

Innkeeper’s Wife More than the gates of Hell I hate that man Who, loving gold, cloaketh his love with lies.

Hera At that rate, madam, you will have to quarrel with Cantharus: He with his kindly host hath dealt amiss.

Innkeeper That’s me. I took him in, and he ran away with my wife.

Innkeeper's WifeWine-witted knave, deer-hearted and dog-eyed,Thersites, babbler loose, that nought availestIn council, nought in arms; most valiant daw,That with thine aimless chatter chidest kings,— First Master. My rascal to a T.

Innkeeper's WifeThe dog in thee—for thou art dog and goatAnd lion—doth a blasting fury breathe.

Innkeeper Wife, wife! the dogs have been too many for you; ay, and for your virtue, so men say.

Hera Hope for the best; some little Cerberus or Geryon shall call you father, and Heracles have employment again.—Ah, no need to knock: here they come.

First Master Ha, Cantharus, have I got you? What, nothing to say for yourself? Let us see what you have in that wallet; beans, no doubt, or a crust of bread.

Hera Bread, indeed! Gold, a purseful of it!

Hera That need not surprise you. In Greece, you see, he was a Cynic, but here he is all for golden Chrysippus. Next you will see him dangling, Cleanthes-likeSee Cleanthes in Notes., by his beard, and serve the dirty fellow right.

Second Master Ha, you rascal there, am I mistaken, or are you my lost Lecythio? Lecythio it is, What a figure! Lecythio a philosopher! I'll believe anything after this.

Hera Does none of you know anything about this other?

Third Master Oh yes, he is_mine; but he may go hang for me.

Hera And why is that?

Third Master Ah, he’s a sadly leaky vessel, is Rosolio, as we used to call him.

Hera Gracious Heracles! did you hear that? Rosolio with wallet and stick!—Friend, here is your wife again.

Innkeeper Thank you for nothing. Ill have no woman brought to bed of an old book in my house.

Hera How am I to understand that?

Innkeeper Why, the Three-headed Dog is a book, master?

Hera Ay, and so was the Man with the Three Hats, for that Matter.

Masters. We leave the rest to you, sir.

Hera This is my judgement. Let the woman return beneath her husband’s roof, or many-headed monsters will come of it. These two truant sparks I hand over to their owners: let them follow their trades as heretofore; Lecythio wash clothes, and Rosolio patch them;—not, however, before his back has felt the mallow-stalk, And for Cantharus, first let the men of pitch take him, and plaster him without mercy; and be their pitch the vilest procurable. Then let him be led forth to stand upon the snowy slopes of Haemus, naked and fettered.

Cantharus Mercy! have mercy onme! Ah me! I am undone!

First Master So tragic?. Come, follow me to the plasterers; and off with that lion’s-skin, lest you be taken for other than an ass.