The unschooled, seeing all this, now spit scornfully at philosophy, thinking that all of us are like
this and blaming me for my teachings, so that for
a long time now it has been impossible for me
to win over a single one of them. I am in the
same fix as Penelope, The story of Penelope’s web is told several times in the Odyssey ; II, 93-110; XIX, 138-156; XXIV, 129-146.
Ye gods! what treatment our dear Philosophy has had from those scoundrels! It is high time, then, to see what is to be done and how they are to be punished. Well, the thunderbolt despatches at a single blow, and the death is a swift one.
I will offer you a suggestion, father, for I myself have come to detest the knaves; the Muses mean nothing to them, so I am indignant on behalf of the Nine. Those fellows are by no means worthy of a thunderbolt or of that right hand of yours. Send Hermes down to get after them, if you think best, with unlimited powers in the matter of their punishment. As he himself is interested in argumentation, he will very soon know those who are genuine students of philosophy and those who are not. Then he will commend the former, naturally, and the latter will be punished as he sees fit in the circumstances.
A good idea, Apollo. But you go too, Heracles; take along Philosophy herself and all be off, as quickly as you can, to the world. Bear in mind that you will be doing a thirteenth labour of no mean order if you exterminate such pestilential, shameless beasts.
On my word, father, I should have preferred to
clean out the muck of Augeas once more, rather than
to get involved with these creatures. Let us be off,
however.
Let us be going down, so that we may exterminate at least a few of them to-day. What direction should we take, Philosophy? You know where they are. In Greece, no doubt?
Not by any means, or only a few, those who are genuine students of philosophy, Hermes. These others have no use for Attic poverty; we must look for them in some quarter where much gold or silver is mined.
Then we must make straight for Thrace.
Quite right, and indeed I will show you the way, as I know the whole of Thrace from repeated visits. So, if you please, let us now take this direction.
What direction do you mean?
Do you see two ranges, Hermes and Philosophy,
the highest and most beautiful of all mountains (the
higher is Haemus, the one opposite is Rhodope), and
a plain of great fertility outspread beneath them,
beginning at the very foothills of each? Also,
Yes, by Zeus, Heracles, the greatest and loveliest of all cities! In fact, its beauty is radiant from afar. And also, a very large river flows past it, coming quite close to it.
That is the Hebrus, and the city was built by the
famous Philip. Philippopolis.
Very well. But what is to be done now? How are we to track the beasts out?
That is up to you, Hermes; you are a crier, so be quick and do your office.
Nothing hard about that, but I do not know their names. Tell me, Philosophy, what I am to call them, and their marks of identification as well.
I myself do not know for certain what they are
called, because of my not having had anything to do
with them ever. But to judge from the craving for
Right you are.—But who are these people and why are they too looking about them? However, they are coming up and want to ask a question.
Could you tell us, gentlemen, or you, kind lady, whether you have seen three rogues together, and a woman with her hair closely clipped in the Spartan style, boyish-looking and quite masculine ?
Aha! They are looking for our quarry!
How yours? Those fellows are all fugitive slaves, and for my part I am particularly in search of the woman, whom they have kidnapped.
You will soon find out why we are in search of
them. But at present let us make a joint proclamation.
«If anyone has seen a Paphlagonian slave, one of
those barbarians from Sinope, with a name of the
kind that has ‘rich’ in it, sallow, close-cropped, As a Cynic, the man should wear his hair long; but we are informed that he has Stoic leanings (§ 31).
FIRST SLAVE-OWNER Your proclamation does not tally, man! His name when I had him was Scarabee; furthermore, he wore his hair long, kept his chin hairless, and knew my trade. It was his business to sit in my fuller’s shop and shear off the excessive nap that makes cloaks fuzzy.
That is the very man, your slave; but now he looks like a philosopher, for he has given himself a thorough dry-cleaning. FIRST SLAVE-OWNER (to Second and Third) The impudence of him! Scarabee is setting up for a philosopher, she says, and we do not enter into his speculations at all!
SECOND SLAVE-OWNER Never mind, we shall find them all, for this woman knows them, by what she says.
Who is this other person coming up, Heracles, the handsome man with the lyre?
It is Orpheus, my shipmate on the Argo, the
most tuneful of all chanteymen. Indeed, as we
rowed to his singing, we hardly grew tired at all.
A very good-day to you also, Philosophy, Heracles, and Hermes. But the time has come to pay your reward, since I am very well acquainted with the man for whom you are looking.
Then show us where he is, son of Calliope, for you have no need of gold, I take it, being a wise man.
You are right. I will show you the house where he lives, but not the man himself, so as not to be slanged by him. He is excessively foul-mouthed; that is the only thing he has thoroughly mastered.
Only show us.
Here it is, close by. I am going away from your neighbourhood, so that I may not even see him.
Hold! Is not that the voice of a woman, reciting something of Homer’s?
Yes, surely; but let us hear what she is saying.
Iliad, IX, 312 (= Odyssey, XIV, 156) and313, which reads ὅς χ' ἕτερον ἐν κεύθῃ ἐνὶ φρεσίν, ἄλλο δὲ εἴπῃ.
Ever his host he abuseth, if anyone showeth him
kindness. Iliad, II, 354, with a slight change, ῥέξεν for ῥέξαι. Iliad, I, 325 ; TI, 202, 246 (the close is Lucian’s: Homer has λιγύς, περ ἐὼν. ἀγορητής), and 214, or
Heavy with wine, dog-eyed, with the timid heart of
a roe-deer,
Never of any account in the fray or in giving of
counsel,
Loose-mouthed fool, Thersites, of evil jackdaws the
foremost *
Idle strife with kings to promote in no spirit of
order! 8
FIRST SLAVE-OWNER
The verses just fit the scoundrel !
Iliad, VI, 181 and182 with liberal alterations. The original is: Πρόσθε λέων, ὄπιθεν δὲ δράκων, μέσση δὲ χίμαιρα δεινὸν ἀποπνείουσα πυρὸς μένος αἰθομένοιο.
Dear me, wife! how outrageously you have been treated by all those dogs! It is even said that they have lined her.
No fear, you will soon have her bringing into the
world a Cerberus or a Geryon, to make more work
for Heracles here. The progeny of three Cynics is expected to have three heads, like the dog Cerberus, whom Heracles, as his eleventh labour, brought up from Hades, or three bodies, like Geryon, whose cattle Heracles lifted as his tenth labour.
Don’t be surprised! Formerly, in Greece, he
claimed to be a Cynic, but here he reveals himself
in his true colours as a Chrysippean. Therefore you
Lucian is playing on names here. When Scarabee was a Cynic, he had gone to the “dogs.” Now, as a devotee of gold, he can only be styled a Chrysippean; ergo a Stoic. It may be that Lucian is japing at something in the history of Cleanthes with his talk about beards and hanging, but there is no evidence except a late scholium on Longaevi, 19, which says that Cleanthes died of starvation or strangulation. Anyhow, hanging Scarabee up by the beard will certainly make a “Famous Posy” of him.
SECOND SLAVE-OWNER And you, scoundrel! are you not Pomander, who ran away from me? Nobody else! O how you make me laugh! After that, what cannot happen? Even Pomander a philosopher !
This third fellow—has he no master among you? THIRD SLAVE-OWNER Yes, I am his master, but even so, I gladly consign him to perdition ! Why?
THIRD SLAVE-OWNER Because he is a fearful sort of rotter. The name we used to call him was Stinkadore.
Heracles, deliver us! do you hear that? And
then wallet and staff! Here, you! (to HusBaNpD)
Take away your wife, yourself!
Book? What do you mean?
My dear fellow, there is a book called Tricipitine. The book called Three-Headed was an attack on Athens, Sparta, and Thebes, attributed to Theopompus (cf. below, p. 409) but probably written by Anaximenes. The Triphales of Aristophanes, supposed to have been a scurrilous satire on Alcibiades.
It is for you, Hermes, to give judgement now.
This is my decision. As for the woman, to insure
against her bringing into the world anything portentous or many-headed, she shall go back to Greece
to live with her husband. This pair of runaway
slaves shall be turned over to their masters and
continue to learn their former trades; Pomander
to wash dirty linen, Stinkadore once again to mend
torn cloaks; but first they shall both be beaten
with mallows. This meant a good caning, for the mallow that is meant is the kind that according to Theophrastus “grows tall and becomes tree-like” and “becomes as great as a spear, and men accordingly use it as a walking-stick’? (Lavatera arborea; see Sir A. Hort’s Theophrastus, Enguiry into Plants (L.C.L.), Vol. I, p. 25, and Vol. II, p. 463). But probably its prescription by Lucian in this and other similar cases is due in part at least to the implication of ‘softness’ in the name.
Ah, woe is me! Oh, oh! Alackaday! FIRST SLAVE-OWNER Why are you lugging in that quotation out of those melodramatic discourses of yours? Come along with me to the pitch-plasterers now; but first strip off that lion skin, that you may be known for the ass that you are.