TYCHIADES Quite true.

SIMON Moreover, Tychiades, it seems to me that the other arts stand in need of this one, but this one does not stand in need of any other.

This point is not dwelt upon here because the author proposes to use it with great effect later at the expense of philosophy (§$ 31 ff.).

SIMON Certainly.

TYCHIADES How is it, then, that the parasite is the only one that does not do wrong in taking what belongs to someone else?

SIMON I can’t say !

Fritzsche gives the two questions to Simon and the answers to Tychiades, at the expense of a little rewriting. Perhaps he is right, but it is rather too bad to lose the humorous effect of the “I can’t say” in the mouth of Simon, followed by the change of subject.

TYCHIADES What do you mean?

SIMON That nobody invites an enemy or an unknown person to dinner; not even a slight acquaintance. A man must first, I take it, become a friend in order to share another's bow] and board, and the mystic rites of this art. Anyhow, I have often heard people say : “How much of a friend is he, when he has neither eaten nor drunk with us?”’ That is of course because they think that only one who has shared their meat and drink is a trusty friend.

That in truth it is the most royal of the arts, you can infer from this fact above all: men work at the rest of them not only with discomfort and sweat but actually sitting or standing, just as if they were slaves to the arts, while the parasite plies his art lying down, like a king!

What need is there, in speaking of his felicity, to mention that he alone, according to wise Homer, “neither planteth a plant with his hands nor plougheth, but all, without sowing or ploughing,”

Odyssey9, 108-109.

Again, there is nothing to hinder a rhetorician or a geometer or a blacksmith from working at his trade whether he is a knave or a fool, but nobody can be a parasite who is either a knave or a fool.

TYCHIADES Goodness! What a fine thing you make out Parasitic to be! I myself already want to be a parasite, I think, rather than what I am.

SIMON Well, that it excels all put together, I think I have demonstrated. Come now, let us see how it excels each individually. To compare it with the vulgar arts is silly, and, in a way, more appropriate to someone who is trying to belittle its dignity. We must prove that it excels the finest and greatest of them. It is universally admitted that rhetoric and philosophy, which some people even make out to be sciences because of their nobility, are the greatest. Therefore, if I should prove that Parasitic is far superior to these, obviously it will appear preeminent among the other arts, like Nausicaa among her handmaidens.

Odyssey6, 102-109.

It excels both rhetoric and philosophy, in the first place in its objective reality ; for it has this, and they have not. We do not hold one and the same view about rhetoric; some of us call it an art, some a want of art, others a depraved art, and others something else. So too with philosophy, which is not uniform and consistent ; for Epicurus has on opinion about things, the Stoics another, the Academics another, the Peripatetics another; in brief, everybody claims that philosophy is something different, and up to now, at all events, it cannot be said either that the same men control opinion or that their art is one. By this it is clear what conclusion remains to be drawn. I maintain that there can be no art at all which has not objective reality. For how else can you explain it that arithmetic is one and the same, and twice two is four not only here but in Persia, and all its doctrines are in tune not only in Greece but in strange lands, yet we see many different philosophies, all of them out of tune both in their beginnings and in their ends ?

TYCHIADES You are right: they say philosophy is one, but they themselves make it many.

SIMON As far as the other arts are concerned, if there should be some discord in them, one might pass it over, thinking it excusable, since they are subordinate and their knowledges are not exempt from change. But who could endure that philosophy should not be one, and in better tune with itself than a musical instrument? Well now, philosophy is not one, for I see that it is infinitely many; yet it cannot be many, for wisdom is one.

The same can be said, too, of the objective reality of rhetoric. When all do not express the same views about one subject, but there is a battle royal of contradictory declarations, that is the greatest proot that the subject of which there is not a single definite conception does not exist at all ; for to enquire whether it is this rather than that, and never to agree that it is one, does away with the very existence of the subject that is questioned.

This is not the case, however, with Parasitic. Both among Greeks and among foreigners it is one and uniform and consistent, and nobody can say that it is practised in one way by this set of men and in another by that set. Nor are there, it seems, among parasites any sects like the Stoics or the Epicureans, holding different doctrines; no, there is concord among them all, and agreement in their works and in their end. So to my thinking Parasitic may well be, in this respect at least, actually wisdom.

TYCHIADES It seems to me that you have put al] this very well. But how do you prove that philosophy is inferior to your art in other ways?

SIMON Well, it must first be mentioned that no parasite ever fell in love with philosophy ; but it is on record that philosophersin great number have been fond of Parasitic, and even to-day they love it!

TYCHIADES Why, what philosophers can you mention that have been eager to play parasite ?

SIMON What philosophers, Tychiades? Though you know them yourself, you pretend not to, and try to pull the wool over my eyes, as if it brought them disgrace instead of honour !

TYCHIADES No, by Zeus, Simon ; I am very much at a loss as to whom you can find to mention.

SIMON My dear fellow, you seem to be unfamiliar with their biographers, as otherwise you would certainly be able to recognize whom I mean.

TYCHIADES Well, anyhow, by Heracles, I long to find out now who they are.

SIMON I shall give you a list of them, and they are not the riff-raff, but in my opinion the best, and those whom you would least expect.

Aeschines the Socratic, the man who wrote the long and witty dialogues, once went to Sicily, taking them with him, in the hope that through them he might be able to get acquainted with Dionysius the tyrant; and after he had read his “Miltiades”’ and was considered to have made a hit, he made himself at home in Sicily from then on, playing parasite to the tyrant and bidding adieu to the haunts of Socrates.

And what about Aristippus of Cyrene? Is he not in your opinion one of the philosophers of distinction ?

TYCHIADES Very much so.

SIMON But he too lived in Syracuse at about the same time, playing parasite to Dionysius. In fact, of all the parasites he was in highest favour with him, — being, to be sure, somewhat more gifted for the art than the rest of them, so that Dionysius sent his cooks to him every day, to learn something from him.

Aristippus, indeed, appears to have been a worthy ornament to the art ;

but your most noble Plato also came to Sicily for this purpose, and after being parasite to the tyrant only a few days, was turned out of his place as parasite on account of ineptitude. Then, after going back to Athens and working hard and preparing himself, he cruised once more to Sicily on a second venture, and again, after only a — few days of dining, was turned out on account of stupidity ; and this “Sicilian disaster” of Plato’s is considered equal to that of Nicias.

TYCHIADES Why, who tells about this, Simon ?

SIMON A great many; among them, Aristoxenus the musician, who deserves great consideration.

The MSS. add: “and he himself was parasite to Neleus.” Both were pupils of Aristotle. Aristoxenus wrote a life of Plato, which was used by Diogenes Laertius.

As to Aristotle, he only made a beginning in Parasitic, as in every other art.

I have shown that, as I said, philosophers have been eager to play parasite; but nobody can instance a parasite who has cared to practise philosophy.

Furthermore, if happiness lies in not hungering or thirsting or shivering, nobody has this in his power except the parasite. Consequently you can find many cold and hungry philosophers, but never a parasite; otherwise he would not be a parasite, but an unfortunate beggar fellow, resembling a philosopher.

TYCHIADES You have been sufficiently explicit on that score. But how do you prove that Parasitic excels philosophy and rhetoric in other respects ?

SIMON There are seasons, my dear fellow, in the life of man, seasons of peace, I take it, and again seasons of war. Well, in those seasons it is absolutely inevitable that the arts and those who possess them should show what they are. First, if you please, let us consider the season of war, and what class of men would be above all most useful to themselves individually and to the state in general.

TYCHIADES What a searching test of manhood you are announcing! I have long been laughing inwardly to think how a philosopher would look in comparison with a parasite.

SIMON Then in order to prevent you from wondering too much and also from thinking it a laughing matter, let us imagine that right here in our city proclamation has been made that the enemy has unexpectedly invaded the country; that it is necessary to take the field against them and not allow the farm-lands outside the walls to be laid waste, that the commander has called to the colours all those of military age, and that of course everybody is going, including certain philosophers and rhetoricians and parasites. First, then, let us strip them to the skin; for those who are going to put on armour must first take off their clothes. Now inspect your men, sir, one by one, and give them a physical examination. Some of them you can see to be thin and pale through privation, shuddering, and as limp as if they had already been wounded. Surely it would be ridiculous to say that fighting, hand-to-hand combat, pushing, dust, and. wounds can be borne by men like these, who need something to brace them up!