GetPassage urn:cts:greekLit:tlg0062.tlg025.perseus-eng2:41-52 urn:cts:greekLit:tlg0062.tlg025.perseus-eng2:41-52

Nothing hard about that. Oyez! Silence! All who assert that they are philosophers, and all who think that they have any connection with the name, come tothe Acropolis for a distribution of gifts! Two minas will be given to every man, and a seed-cake also; and whoever displays a Jong beard shall receive a basket of figs into the bargain. Never mind temperance or justice or self-control, as these qualities are not essential if they are not available; but let each bring with him five syllogisms by all means, for without these it is impossible to be wise. Lo, we have set up as prize two talents of gold for the contest ;These shall we give unto him who prevails over all in debating!Cf. Iliad18, 507-8.

Aha! What a lot of them! The road up to the gate is full of men hustling after the two minas, as soon as they heard of them; others are coming up beside the Pelasgicon;

The prehistoric wall of the Acropolis. Only tumble-down pieces were then to be seen (cf. § 47). The bit. referred to here was at the north-west corner, by the cave of Pan (Double Indictment, § 9).

others by the precinct of Asclepius;

On the south slope, near the theatre of Dionysus.

even more of them along the Areopagus ;

To the west, near the main entrance.

some, too, by the tomb of Talus ;

Talus (or Calus) was nephew of Daedalus, who out of jealousy threw him down the cliff. Certain stones at the back of the theatre of Dionysus are thought to belong to his tomb.

and some have set ladders against the temple of the Twin Brethren

North side: exact site uncertain.

and are climbing up with a hum, by Heaven, and “in clusters” like swarming bees, to use the words of Homer ;

Iliad 2, 89.

from that side right many, and from the other Thousands of men, like the leaves and the flowers that come in the springtime.Iliad2, 468. The Acropolis is full in a trice as they noisily settle in place,Iliad2, 463. and everywhere are begging-bags and flattery, beards and shamelessness, staves and gluttony, syllogisms and avarice. The few that came up in answer to the first summons are obscure and inconspicuous, intermingled with the crowd of others, and they escape the eye in the general similarity of garb.

In fact, that is the worst feature of it all, Philosophy, and the one for which you could be most criticized, that you have set no mark and token upon them. These cheats are often more convincing than the genuine philosophers. That shall be seen to presently; but let us welcome them now.

We Platonists should get our share first.

No! we Pythagoreans, for Pythagoras was earlier.

Nonsense! we of the Porch are better.

Not at all; in matters of money we of the Walk should be first.

Give us Epicureans the cakes and the figs, but we will wait for the money, even if we have to be the last to get it.

Where are the two talents? We Academics will show you how much better debaters we are than the rest !

Not while we Stoics are here!

Stop your bickering! You Cynics, do not jostle one another or strike each other with your staves. You were asked here for a different purpose, let me assure you! And now I, Philosophy, and Virtue here and Truth will decide who are the genuine philosophers. Then all who are found to be living by our rules shall be pronounced superior and will be happy ever after, but as for the cheats and all those who have nothing in common with us, we shall put the wretches to a wretched end, so that they may not claim any part in things that are over their heads, false pretenders that they are! What is this? Are you running away? By Heaven, they are, most of them jumping over the cliffs! The Acropolis is empty except for these few who have remained because they did not fear the trial.

Attendants, pick up the bag which the Cynic threw away in the rout. Come, let me see what is in it; probably lupines, or a book, or some whole-wheat bread.

No! gold—see here !—perfume, a razor, a mirror, and a set of dice!

Good for you, my fine fellow! Were these your instruments for the mortification of the flesh, and did’ _ you think that with the aid of these you could abuse all mankind and instruct the rest of the world ?

Well, there you see what they are like. You must consider how all this is to stop going on unobserved, and how those who come into contact with them are to tell which of them are the good and which, on the contrary, the followers of thte other life.

Invent a plan, Truth ; for it would be in your own interest to do so, in order that Falsehood may not prevail over you, and bad men, under the cloak of Ignorance, escape your eye when they imitate the good.

If you think best, let us empower Frankness himself to do this, since we have seen that he is honest and in sympathy with us, and that he particularly admires you, Philosophy—to take along Investigation and put himself in the way of all who claim to be philosophers. Then, whenever he finds a truly legitimate son of Philosophy, let him crown the man with a wreath of green olive and invite him to the Prytaneum;

To be maintained at public expense, as Socrates thought he should have been.

and if he meets a scoundrel whose philosophy is but stage-play—there are many of that sort—let him tear his mantle, cut off his beard close to the skin with goat-shears, and stamp or brand a mark on his forehead, between the eyebrows ; let the pattern of the brand be a fox or an ape.

Good for you, Truth! Let the test, Frankness, be like the test of the eaglets against the sun. Not that they, like the eaglets, are to stare at the light and be put to the proof in that way; but set gold and fame and pleasure in their view, and whomsoever of them you see paying no attention and in no way attracted to the spectacle, let him be the one to wear the crown of green olive; but whomever you see gazing fixedly at the gold and reaching his hand out after it, hale him off to the branding-place, after first cutting off his beard in accordance with our decision.

It shall be done, Philosophy. You shall very soon see most of them wearing the fox-brand or the ape- brand, and but few crowned with wreaths. If you like, however, I will bring you up some of them here and now.

What! you will bring up the runaways ?

Yes, indeed, if the priestess will be good enough to lend me for a moment that hook and line which the fisherman from the Peiraeus dedicated.

There, take it, and the rod too, so that you may have a complete outfit.

And now, priestess, give me some figs quickly and a little of your gold.

Take them.

What does the man intend to do? Baiting the hook with the fig and the gold, and taking his seat on the crest of the wall, he has made a cast into the town! Why are you doing that, Frankness? Have you made up your mind to fish up the stones out of the Pelasgicon ?

Hush, Philosophy ; wait and see my catch. Poseidon, god of fishermen, and dear Amphitrite, send us up quantities of fish!

Ah! I see a fine big pike, or rather, a golden carp.—No, it is a cat-fish. Anyhow, he is coming up to the hook with his mouth open. He has scented the gold; now he is close by; he struck ; he is on; let’s pull him up. You pull too, Investigation. Investigation, take hold of the line with me!

He isup! Come, let me see what you are, my good fish. A dogfish !

i.e, a Cynic.

Heracles, what teeth! How about it, my fine fellow? Caught, were you, gormandizing about the rocks, where you hoped to slip under cover and keep out of sight? But now you will be in public view, hung up by the gills! Let us take out the hook and the bait. No, by Zeus, he has swallowed it! Here is your hook, all bare; the fig and the gold are secure in his insides.

Let him spew them up, by Zeus, so that we may bait for others. That’s well. What say you, Diogenes ; do you know who this fellow is, and has he anything in common with you?

Not in the least !

Well, how much ought we to call him worth? For my part, I valued him at two obols the other day.

A high price. He is inedible and ugly and tough and worthless. Throw him down the cliff head first. Let down your hook and pull up another. But I say: look out, Frankness, not to let your rod bend till it breaks. Have no fear, Diogenes. They are light, and pull no harder than weakfish.

Lucian puns upon ἀφύη (a small fish, sprat) and ἀφυή (dull, stupid).

Aye, they are mighty weak, for certain ; pull them up, however.

See! Here comes another fish that looks like a plate,

The pun here is upon Πλάτων and πλατύς (flat).

as if he were sliced lengthways, a sort of flatfish, opening his mouth for the hook. He has swallowed it; he is caught. Up with him! What is he?

The kind that styles itself Platonic.

So you came to get the gold too, confound you ? What do vou say, Plato? What are we to do with him?

Over the same cliff with him! Let down for another.

Ah, I see a very handsome one coming up, as far as can be judged in the deep water ; of many colours, with golden stripes on his back.

The Peripatetics were criticized for love of gay clothing and gold.

Do you see him, Investigation ?

He is the kind that claims the name of Aristotle. He came up and then swam away again. He is making a careful survey. Now he has come back again ; he has opened his mouth; he is caught. Up with him.

Don’t ask me about him, Frankness. I don’t know who he is.

Then he too shall go over the cliff, Aristotle.

But look here! I see a great number of fish closely alike in colour, spiny and rough-skinned, harder to grasp than sea-urchins.

Stoics, then the most numerous school. They themselves were uncouth, and their doctrines spiny.

Shall we need a seine for them?

But we haven't any. It will be enough if we land only one out of the school. The one that comes to the hook will of course be the boldest of them.

Let down your line, if you want, but first arm it with iron for some distance, so that he may. not saw it off with his teeth after he has swallowed the gold.

It is down. Poseidon, grant us a quick catch! Aha! _ they are fighting over the bait; some are nibbling the fig in schools and some have taken firm hold of the gold. Good! A very powerful one is on the hook! Come, let me see whose namesake you say you are. But itis silly of me to try to make a fish talk; these anyhow are certainly dumb! Come, Investigation, tell us whom he has for master.

Chrysippus here.

I understand : because there was gold in the name, I take it. Well, Chrysippus, in the name of the Goddess of Wisdom tell us, do you know these fellows, and do you advise them to do as they do?

By Zeus, your questions are insulting, Frankness, if you imply that we have anything in common with that sort.

Good, Chrysippus : that is handsome of you. He too shall go head first after the rest, as he is.spiny and there is danger that anyone who should try to eat him might get a hole in his gullet.

Enough of fishing, Frankness. One of them— there are many capable of it—may snatch off the gold and the hook and make away with them, and then you will have to settle with the priestess. So let us go away to take our stroll, and as for you (to the. Philosophers), it is high time you went where you came from, that you may not overstay your leave. Frankness, you and Investigation seek them all out on every hand and either crown or brand them, as I said. It shall be done, Philosophy. Good-bye, gentlemen. Let us go down into the town, Investigation, and carry out our orders.

Where shall we go first? To the Academy, or to the Porch? Or shall we begin with the Lyceum ?

It will make no difference. I am sure, however, that wherever we go we shall need few crowns of olive, but many brands.