FRANKNESS Diogenes did not complete the complaint against me, Philosophy. He left out, for some reason or other, the greater part of what I said, and everything that was very severe. But I am so far from denying. that I said it all and from appearing with a studied defence that whatever he passed over in silence or I neglected previously to say, I purpose to include now. In that way you can find out whom I put up for sale and abused, calling them pretenders and cheats. And I beg you merely to note throughout whether what I say about them is true. If my speech should prove to contain anything shocking or offensive, it is not I, their critic, but they, I think, whom you would justly blame for it, acting as they do.

As soon as I perceived how many disagreeable attributes a public speaker must needs acquire, such as chicanery, lying, impudence, loudness of mouth, sharpness of elbow, and what all besides, I fled from all that, as was natural, and set out to attain your high ideals, Philosophy, expecting to sail, as it were, out of stormy waters into a peaceful haven and to live out the rest of my life under your protection.

Hardly had I caught a glimpse of “your doctrines when I conceived admiration for you, as was inevitable, and for all these men, who are the lawgivers of the higher life and lend a helping hand to those who aspire to it by giving advice which is extremely good and extremely helpful if one does not act contrary to it or falter, but fixedly regards the principles which you have established and tries to bring his life into harmony and agreement with them—a thing, to be sure, which very few, even of your own disciples, do !

I give Fritzsche’s interpretation of this last clause, though I fear it strains the Greek and is foreign to Lucian’s thought. Another, and I think a better, solution is to excise the clause as an early gloss, reading jas and interpreting it more naturally, “a thing which very few, even in our own time, do.” Compare the late gloss in β: τί ταῦτατοῖς καθ' ἡμᾶς ἔοικε μονάχοις.

When I saw, however, that many were not in love with Philosophy, but simply coveted the reputation of the thing, and that although in all the obvious, commonplace matters which anyone can easily copy they were very like worthy men (in beard, I mean, and walk and garb), in their life and actions, however, they contradicted their outward appearance and reversed your practice and sullied the dignity of the profession, I became angry. The case seemed to me to be as if some actor in tragedy who was soft and womanish should act the part of Achilles or Theseus, or even Heracles himself, without either walking or speaking as a hero should, but showing off airs and graces in a mask of such dignity. Even Helen or Polyxena would never suffer such a man to resemble them too closely, let alone Heracles, the conquering hero, who, in my opinion, would very soon smash both man and mask with a few strokes of his club for making him out so disgracefully effeminate.

Just so with me; when I saw you so treated by those others, I could not brook the shame, of their impersonation when they made bold, though but apes, to wear heroic masks, or to copy the ass of Cumae who put on a lion’s skin and claimed to be himself a lion, braying in a very harsh and fearsome way at the ignorant Cumaeans, until at length a foreigner, who had often seen lions and asses, exposed him and chased him away by beating him with sticks.

But what seemed to me most shocking, Philosophy, was this, that if people saw any one of these fellows engaged in any wicked or unseemly or indecent practice, every man of them at once laid the blame upon Philosophy herself, and upon Chrysippus or Plato or Pythagoras or whichever one of you furnished that sinner with a name for himself and a model for his harangues; and from him, because he was leading an evil life, they drew sorry conclusions about you others, who died long ago. For as you were not alive, he could not be compared with you. You were not there, and they all clearly saw him following dreadful and discreditable practices, so that you suffered judgment by default along with him and became involved in the same scandal.

I could not endure this spectacle, but set about exposing them and distinguishing them from you ; and you, who ought to reward me for it, bring me into court! Then if I observed one of the initiates disclosing the mysteries of the Goddesses Twain and rehearsing them in public, and became indignant and showed him up, would you consider me the impious one: It would not be just. Certainly the officials of the games always flog an actor if he takes the part of Athena or Poseidon or Zeus and does not play it well and in accordance with the dignity of the gods ; and the gods themselves are surely not angry at them for letting the scourgers whip a man. wearing their masks and dressed in their clothing. On the contrary, they would be gratified, I take it, if he were flogged more soundly. Not to act a servant’s or a messenger’s part cleverly is a trivial fault, but not to present Zeus or Heracles to the spectators worthily—Heaven forfend! how shameful !

It is most extraordinary, too, that most of them are thoroughly up in your writings, but live as if they read and studied them simply to practise the reverse. Their book tells them they must despise wealth and reputation, think that only what is beautiful is good, be free from anger, despise these people of eminence, and talk with them as man to man; and its advice is beautiful, as Heaven is my witness, and wise and wonderful, in all truth. But they teach these very doctrines for pay, and worship the rich, and are agog after money; they are more quick-tempered than curs, more cowardly than hares, more servile than apes, more lustful than jackasses, more thievish than cats, more quarrelsome than game-cocks. Consequently, they let themselves in for ridicule when they hustle after it all and elbow one another at the portals of the rich and take part in great banquets, where they pay vulgar compliments, stuff themselves beyond decency, grumble openly at their portions, vent their philosophy disagreeably and discordantly over their cups, and fail to carry their drink well. All those present who are not of the profession laugh at them, naturally, and spit philosophy to scorn for breeding up such beasts.

Most shameless of all, though each one of them says he needs nothing and bawls it abroad that only the wise man is rich, after a little he presents himself and asks for something, and is angry if he does not get it. It is just as if someone in royal robes, with a high turban and a diadem and all the other marks of kingly dignity, should play the mendicant, begging of men worse off than himself.

When they must needs receive a present, there is a great deal of talk to the effect that a man should be ready to share what he has, and that money does not matter: “What, pray, does gold or silver amount to, since it’ is not in any way better than pebbles on the sea-shore!”” But when someone in want of help, an old-time comrade and friend, goes and asks for a little of their plenty, he encounters silence, hesitancy, forgetfulness, and complete recantation of doctrines. Their numerous speeches about friendship, their “virtue’”’ and their “honour” have all gone flying off, I know not whither, winged words for certain, idly bandied about by them daily in their class-rooms.

Each of them is your friend as long as silver and gold are not in sight on the table; but if you merely give them a glimpse of an obol, the peace is broken, it is war without truce or parley everywhere, the pages of their books have become blank, and Virtue has taken to her heels. So it is with dogs, when you toss a bone among them; they spring to their feet and begin biting each other and barking at the one that was first to snatch the bone.

It is said, too, that a king of Egypt once taught apes to dance, and that the animals, as they are very apt at imitating human ways, learned quickly and gave an exhibition, with purple mantles about them and masks on their faces. For a long time the show, they say, went well, until a facetions spectator, having nuts in his pocket, tossed them into the midst. On catching sight of them, the monkeys forgot their dance, changed from artists of the ballet to the simians that they really were, smashed their masks, tore their costumes, and fought with each other for the nuts; whereby the carefully planned ballet was entirely broken up, and was laughed at by the spectators.

These self-styled philosophers do just that, and I for my part abused their sort, and shall never stop criticizing and ridiculing them. But as for you and those who resemble you—for there are, there are some who truly cultivate philosophy and abide by your laws—may I never be so insane as to say anything abusive or unkind of you! What could I say? What is there of that nature in the lives that you have led? But those pretenders and miscreants deserve in my opinion to be hated. Come, now, Pythagoras, Plato, Chrysippus, Aristotle—what do you say? Have their sort anything to do with you, ov have they displayed any similarity or kinship in their mode of life ? Aye, “Heracles and the monkey, as the proverb has it!

You are no more like these men than Heracles was like the monkey that wore the lion’s skin. Cf. § 32, and Lover of Lies, § 5.

I have said all that I had to say in my own defence. Truth, tell them whether it is true.

PHILOSOPHY Stand aside, Frankness ; still farther ... What are we to do? What did you think of the man’s speech ?

TRUTH For my part, Philosophy, while he was speaking I prayed that I might sink into the earth, so true was everything that he said. In fact, as I listened, I recognized each of the men who act that way and applied his remarks to them: “That refers to this man; so-and-so does that.” In short, he portrayed the gentlemen to the life, as in a painting, accurate likenesses in every respect, depicting not only their persons, but their very souls‘as faithfully as could be.

VIRTUE I, Virtue, also had to blush for shame.

PHILOSOPHY And what say you ? PLATO What else but to acquit him of the charge and set him down as our friend and benefactor? Indeed, just what happened to the Ilians

The latter-day Trojans.

DIOGENES I, too, Philosophy, commend the man highly, take back my complaint and count him a friend, for he is a gallant fellow.

PHILOSOPHY Good! Come, Frankness. We acquit you of the charge; you have an unanimous verdict in your favour, and from now on you may count yourself one of my household.

FRANKNESS I pay my homage at once. (He kisses his hand.) But no! I think I shall do it more as they do in a play, for that will be more reverential : O Victory, goddess so greatly revered,Take my life in thy careAnd cease not to crown me with garlands.Euripides, close of Phoenissac, Orestes, Iphigenia om Tauris. VIRTUE Well, then, let us now initiate our second bowl of wine. Let us summon up those others to be punished for the insults they are inflicting upon us. Frankness shall accuse each of them. PHILOSOPHY Quite right, Virtue; so slip down into the town, Syllogism, my lad, and summon the philosophers.

SYLLOGISM Oyez! Silence! Let the philosophers come to the Acropolis to present their defence before Virtue, Philosophy, and Justice.

FRANKNESS Do you see! Very few of them understood the summons and are coming up. Besides, they fear Justice, and most of them are actually too busy because of their attentions to the rich. If you wish them all to come, Syllogism, make your proclamation like this—

SYLLOGISM No! You summon them, Frankness. in the way you think best.