What sort of men we were in life, Philosophy, you
know right well, and I need not discuss that point
at all; for who is not aware how much beauty was
brought into life by Pythagoras here, Plato, Aristotle,
Chrysippus and the others, to say nothing of myself?
I shall proceed to speak of the insults which, in spite
of our merit, this double-dyed scoundrel Frankness
has dealt us.
He is a public speaker, they say: but abandoning
the courts and the successes to be gained therein, he
concentrated upon us all thé eloquence and power
that he had acquired .in rhetoric, and not only
unceasingly abuses us himself by calling us cheats
and liars, but induces the public to laugh and sneer
at us as if we amounted to nothing at all. More
than that, he has at last made people actually hate
you, Philosophy, as well as us by dubbing your
doctrines stuff and nonsense and rehearsing in
mockery all that is most serious in what you taught
us, so as to get applause and praise from his audience
for himself and contumely for us. The common sort
are that way by nature; they delight in jesters and
buffoons, and most of all when they criticise what is
held in high reverence. Just so in days gone by
they took delight in Aristophanes and Eupolis, who
brought Socrates on the stage to make fun of him
and got up monstrous farces about him.
The playwrights, however, showed their boldness
against only one man, and at the Dionysia, when it
was’ permissible to do so, and the joking was
considered part of the holiday, and
The god, who loves his joke, no doubt was pleased.
Author unknown.
But this man brings the best people together, after a
long period of thinking and preparing and writing
down slanders in a thick roll, and then loudly abuses
Plato, Pythagoras, Aristotle here, Chrysippus there,
myself,and in a word, one and all, without the sanction
of a holiday and without having. had anything done
to him personally by us. He would have some excuse
for the thing, of course,if he had acted in self-defence
instead of starting the quarrel.
What is worst of all, in doing this sort of thing,
Philosophy, he shelters himself under your name,
and he has suborned Dialogue, our serving-man, employing him against us as a helper and a spokesman.
Moreover, he has actually bribed Menippus,
The Cynic, of Gadara: Lucian’s chief predecessor in satirical prose.
a comrade
of ours, to take part in his farces frequently ; he is
the only one who is not here and does not join us
in the prosecution, thereby playing traitor to our
common cause.
For all this he ought to be punished. What, pray,
can he have to say for himself after ridiculing all that
is most holy before so many witnesses? In fact, it
would be a good thing for them, too, if they were to
see him punished, so that no other man might ever
again sneer at Philosophy; for to keep quiet and
pocket insults might well be thought to betoken
weakness and simplicity rather than self-control.
And who could put up with his last performances ?
Bringing us like slaves to the auction-room and
appointing a crier, he sold us off, they say, some for
a high price, some for an Attic mina, and me, arrant
scoundrel that he is, for two obols! And those
present laughed!
On account of this, we ourselves have come up
here in a rage, and we think it right that you for
your part should avenge us because we have been
insulted to the limit.
Good, Diogenes! You have splendidly said all
that you ought on behalf of us all.
Stop applauding! Pour in the water for the
defendant. Now, Frankness, make your speech in
turn, for the water now is running for you. Don’t
delay, then.