Pelt, pelt the scoundrel with plenty of stones!
Heap him with clods! Pile him up with broken
dishes, too! Beat the blackguard with your sticks!
Look out he doesn’t get away! Throw, Plato; you
too, Chrysippus ; you too; everybody at once! Let’s
charge him together.
“Let wallet to wallet give succour, and cudgel to
cudgel,”
Aristotle, make haste! Still faster! That’s well; the
game is bagged. We have you, villain! you shall
soon find out what sort of men you have been
I suggest he be crucified.
Yes, by Heaven; but flogged beforehand.
Let him have his eyes put out long beforehand
Let him have that tongue of his cut off, even longer beforehand.
And you, Empedocles—what do you suggest ?
That he be thrown into my crater, Aetna, into which Eimpedocles is said to have leapt.
Indeed, the best suggestion would have been for
him, like another Pentheus or Orpheus,
“To find among the crags a riven doom,” Both Pentheus and Orpheus were torn to ieces by Maenads. The verse is from a lost tragedy (Nauck, Fr Fragm. p. 895).
No, no! In the name of Him who hears the suppliant, Zeus.
Well, then, as you are absolutely determined to kill me and there is no possibility of my escaping, do tell me at least who you are and what irreparable injuries you have received from me that you’ are irreconcilably angry and have seized me for execution.
What dreadful wrongs you have done us you may ask yourself, you rascal, and those precious dialogues of yours in which you not only spoke abusively of Philosophy herself, but insulted us by advertising for sale, as if in a slave-market, men who are learned, and what is more, free-born. Indignant at this, we requested a brief leave of absence from Pluto and have come up to get you—Chrysippus here, Epicurus, Plato (myself), Aristotle over there, Pythagoras here, who says nothing, Diogenes, and everyone that you vilified in your dialogues.
I breathe again, for you will not put me to death
if you understand how I have acted as regards you.
So throw away your stones; or better, keep them.
You will make use of them against those who
deserve them. It is curious that this suggestion, though emphasized by being repeated (§ 11), is not worked out.
O what impudence! So we really owe you gratitude for your abuse, into the bargain? Are you so convinced that you are truly talking to slaves? Will you actually set yourself down as our benefactor, on top of all your insolent and intemperate language ?
Where, pray, and when have I insulted you? I have
always consistently admired philosophy and extolled
you and lived on intimate terms with the writings
that you have left behind. These very phrases that
I utter—where else but from you did I get them?
Culling them like a bee, I make my show with them
before men, who applaud and recognize where and
That speech of yours is good rhetoric, my fine fellow ; but it is directly against your case and only makes your presumptuousness appear more staggering, since ingratitude is now added to injustice. For you got your shafts from us, as you admit, and then turned them against us, making it your only aim to speak ill of us all. That is the way you have paid us for opening that garden to you and not forbidding you to pick flowers and go away with your arms full. For that reason, then, above all else, you deserve to die.
See! You give me an angry-hearing, and you
reject every just plea! Yet I should never have
supposed that anger could affect. Plato or Chrysippus
or Aristotle or the rest of you; it seemed to me that
There we have it! “Cavalry into the open,” so that
you may give the slip to the jury and get away. As cavalry seeks open country to maneuvre in, so the lawyer seeks the courtroom. Compare Plato, Theaetetus, 183d: ἱππέας εἰς πεδίον προκαλεῖ, Σωκράτη εἰς λόγους προκαλούμενος.
Do not be alarmed on that score. I should not
care to have any such referee of suspicious or doubtful
And who can conduct the prosecution if we are to be jurors ?
Be prosecutors and jurors at the same time. Even that arrangement has no terrors for me, since I have so much the better of you in the justice of my case and expect to be so over-stocked with pleas.
What shall we do, Pythagoras and Socrates ? Really, the man seems to be making a reasonable request in demanding a trial.
What can we do but go to court, taking Philosophy _
with us, and hear his defence, whatever it may be.
Prejudgment is not our way ; it is terribly unprofessional, characteristic of hot-headed fellows who
hold that might is right. We shall lay ourselves
open to hard words from those who like to deal in
them if we stone a man who has had no opportunity
even to plead his case, especially as we ourselves
maintain that we delight in just dealing. What
could we say of Anytus and Meletus, who prosecuted me, or of the jurors on that occasion, if this
fellow is to die without getting any hearing at all? Literally, "without getting any water at all"; i.e. any of the time ordinarily allowed for court speeches, which was apportioned with a water-clock.
Well done, most learned sirs; this course is better and more legal. Keep your stones, however, as I said ; for you will need them presently at court. But where is Philosophy to be found? For my part I do not know where she lives. Yet I wandered very long in search of her dwelling, so that I might study with her. Then I met men with short cloaks and long beards who professed to come directly from her ; and thinking that they knew, I questioned them. But they were far more at a loss than I, and either made no answer, in order that they might not ‘be convicted of ignorance, or else pointed out one door after another. Even to this day I have been unable to find her house.
Often, either by guesswork on my own part or
under the guidance of someone else; I would go to a
door in the firm belief that at last I had found it,
drawing my conclusion from the number of men that
came and went, all solemn of countenance, decorous
in dress, and studious in looks. So I would thrust
myself among them and enter also. Then I always
saw a hussy who was far from ingenuous, however
much she strove to bring herself into harmony
with simplicity and plainness. On the contrary, I
perceived at once that she did not leave the apparent
disorder of her hair unenhanced by art, nor let her
mantle hang about her in unstudied folds. It was
patent that she used it all asa make-up and employed
her seeming negligence to heighten her attractiveness. There were also evidences of enamel and
rouge; her talk was quite that of a courtesan; she
delighted in being praised by her lovers for her
You are right in one point: the door is not conspicuous and not known to all. However, there will be no need to go to her house. We shall wait for her here in the Potters’ Quarter. She will come here presently, no doubt, on her way back from the Academy, to stroll in the Painted Porch also, for it is her custom to do so every day. In fact, here she comes now. Do you see her, the mannerly one, the one in the mantle, soft of eye, walking slowly, rapt in thought?
I see many who are alike in mantle, walk, and fashion. Yet surely only one, even among then, is the true Philosophy.
Right, but she will show you who she is, just by speaking.
Ah! What are you all doing in the upper world,
Plato and Chrysippus and Aristotle and the rest of
“Yes, indeed, Philosophy, the most impious of all profaners, for he made bold to speak ill of you, than whom nothing is more holy, and of us, one and all, who learned something from you and have left it to those who came after us.
Then it made you angry to be vituperated ? And yet you knew that in spite of the hard names which Comedy calls me during the festival of Dionysus, I have held her my friend, and neither sued her at law nor berated her in private, but permit her to make the fun that is in keeping and customary at the festival. I am aware, you see, that no harm can be done by a joke; that, on the contrary, whatever is beautiful shines brighter and becomes more conspicuous, like gold cleansed by its minting. But you, for some reason or other, have grown hot-tempered and violent. Tell me, why do you throttle him?
"Obtaining leave of absence for this one day, we came to get him, so that he may pay the penalty for what he has done; for rumours repeatedly told us what sort of language he used in public against us.
Then you intend to put him to death before
trial, without even a chance to defend himself? It
is certainly clear that he wants to make.a statement.
You, there, what do you say?
Precisely what they do, my Lady Philosophy ; for. you, even without aid, could discover the truth. In fact, it was only with difficulty, after a deal of entreaty, that I secured the reservation of the case for you.
Now, you scoundrel, you call her “My Lady,” do you? Just the other day you made her out to be . utterly contemptible by offering every form of her doctrines for sale at two obols apiece before so large an audience!
Careful! Perhaps fis abuse was not directed against Philosophy, but against impostors who do much that is vile in oyr name.
You shall see at once, if you will only hear my defence.
Let us go to the Areopagus, or-rather, to the Acropolis itself, so that at the same time we may get a bird’s eye view of everything in the city.
You, my dears, may walk about in the Painted Porch meanwhile: I shall join you after concluding the trial.
Who are they, Philosophy? They too seem very
mannerly.
I do not see which one you really mean.
Do you not see the unadorned one over there, naked, always shrinking into the background and slipping away? :
I can just see her now. But why not bring them also, in order that the meeting may be full and perfect? As to Truth, indeed, I wish to introduce her into the trial as an advocate.
To be sure. (To the others) Come with us also. It is not a hard matter to try a single case, particularly one that will involve our own interests.
You others go: I do not-need to hear what I have long known all about.
But it would help us, Truth, if you should join in the trial and give us information on each point.
Then shall I bring along these two waitingwomen, who are in very close sympathy with me?
Yes, indeed, as many as you wish.
Hold, my lady: let him come too, if anyone is to come. Those whom I shall have to fight to-day are none of your ordinary cattle, but pretentious fellows, hard to argue down, always finding some loophole or other, so that Investigation is necessary.
Yes, most necessary: and you had better take Proof along too. :
Come, all of you, since you appear to be necessary to the case.
Do you see that? He is suborning Truth against us, Philosophy.
Then you, Plato and Chrysippus and Aristotle, are afraid that she, Truth, may tell some lie ‘in his behalf?
It isn’t that, but he is terribly unprincipled and
smooth-tongued, so that he will seduce her.
Let us go up, then. But tell me, what is your name ?
Mine? Frankness, son of Truthful, son of Renowned Investigator.
And your country?
I am a Syrian, Philosophy, from the banks of the
Euphrates. But what of that? I know that some
of my opponents here are just as foreign-born as I:
but in their manners and culture they are not like
men of Soli or Cyprus or Babylon or Stageira. Although they were born there: Chrysippus in Soli, Aristotle in Stageira. No philosopher. mentioned: by name in this piece came from Cyprus or from Babylon, and these allusions are not clear. Perhaps Lucian has in mind Zeno of Citium and Poseidonius of Seleucia on the Tigris.
True: it was a needless question, to be sure. But what is your calling? That at least is worth knowing.
Iam a bluff-hater, cheat-hater, liar-hater, vanityhater, and hate all that sort of scoundrels, who are very numerous, as you know.
Heracles! You follow a hateful calling !
But that ought not to be so, for if a man can do the one, they say, he can do the other. So do not distinguish the two callings; they are but one, though they seem two.
You know best as to that, Philosophy. For my part, however, I am so-constituted as to hate rascals and to commend and love honest men.