Hermes What do you say to that dirty one from Pontos?

Zeus By all means.

Hermes Come here, you with the wallet slung from your shoulder, and the bare arms. Walk round the room. I offer a manly life, a noble and generous life, a free life! Who buys?

Buyer What do you say, salesman? You offer a free man for sale?

Hermes I do.

Buyer Then are you not afraid he will sue you for kidnapping, and bring you before the criminal court?

Hermes He does not mind being sold at all, for he believes he is free in all circumstances.

Buyer What use could one put such a dirty, ill-conditioned fellow to, unless you set him to digging or carrying water?

Hermes Those are not his only uses. If you make a hall-porter of him you will find you can rely on him better than on your dogs; in fact, he has even the name of a dog.

Buyer Where does he come from and what discipline does he profess?

Hermes Ask the man himself; that is the better way.

Buyer I am afraid of him, with his sullen, dark look, lest he should bark and spring at me, and bite me, too, by Zeus! See how he brandishes his club, and knits his brows, and scowls beneath them in that threatening, angry way!

Hermes Don't be afraid; he is tame.

Buyer In the first place, my friend, where are you from?

Diogones Everywhere.

Buyer What do you mean?

Diogones You see before you a citizen of the world.

Buyer And who is your model?

Diogones Herakles.

Buyer Then why don't you wear the lion-skin, too? You are like him as far as the club goes.

Diogones This is my lion-skin, my threadbare coat. Like him, I make war on pleasures; not under orders, but of my own will, deliberately choosing to purify life.

Buyer A noble choice! But just what are we to understand that you know? What art are you master of?

Diogones I am the liberator of mankind and the physician of their passions; but, above all, I wish to be the prophet of truth and free speech.

Buyer Come, prophet, if I buy you, what training will you put me through?

Diogones First, I will take you in hand and strip you of your luxury, locking you up with poverty and clothing you in a threadbare cloak. Next, I will drive you to travail and toil, with the ground for your bed, water for your drink, and for your food whatever comes along. As for your money, if you have any, you will carry it down to the sea and throw it in, if you will be guided by me, and you will have no care for wife or child or fatherland; everything of that sort will seem trumpery to you. You will leave your paternal house, and take up your dwelling in a tomb, or in a deserted tower, or even in a tub. Let your wallet be full of pease and bescribbled books, and in this plight you will declare yourself happier than the great king. If any one should flog you or stretch you on the rack you will feel no pain.

Buyer What do you mean by that feeling no pain when one is flogged? I have not got the covering of a turtle or a lobster on my shoulders!

Diogones You will admire that little saying of Euripides, with a word or two altered.

Buyer What one?

Diogones Your heart will suffer, but your tongue will feel no pain.

But the most necessary qualities are these: you must be reckless and daring, and abuse all alike, kings and subjects. By this means you will be noticed and thought manly. Let your speech be uncouth, your voice discordant and strongly resembling a dog's. Wear a strenuous face, and choose a gait in keeping with 5 it; and let all your ways be wild and boorish. But let shame and reason and moderation stand afar off, and strip your blushes from your cheeks altogether. Haunt the most frequented spots, and even in those let your desire be for unshared solitude; and attach yourself to neither friend nor stranger, for that would upset your empire. And at last, if you see fit, eat a raw polyp or a jelly-fish, and die. Such is the happiness we procure for you.

Buyer Be off with you! Your ways are foul and unnatural.

Diogones But the easiest, at least, sirrah, and handy for every one to pursue; for they will not ask education of you, or oratory, or nonsense. No; this road is a short cut to fame; for even if you are a private citizen, a tanner, or a fishmonger, or a carpenter, or a cabinet-maker, nothing prevents your being a wonder if only you are shameless and bold, and have acquired the art of skilful abuse.

Buyer I do not want your services in that line, but you might perhaps be convenient as a sailor or a gardener-particularly if the vendor is willing to sell you for not more than five cents.

Hermes Take him; we shall be glad to get rid of him. He is a nuisance, yelling and abusing everybody generally with his foul tongue.

Zeus Call another, the Cyrenaic, the one in the purple robe with the garland on his head.

Hermes Come now, attention, all! This article is expensive, and only for the rich. This is a life of sweetness, a thrice-blessed life! Who wants luxury? Who will buy the daintiest thing going?

Buyer Step forward, you, and tell me what you happen to know. I will buy you if you are useful.

Hermes Do not annoy him, my good fellow, or ask him questions. He is drunk and cannot answer you, for his tongue is thick, as you perceive.

Buyer And who in his senses would buy such an abandoned, dissipated slave? How he reeks of perfumes, and how reeling and uncertain his gait is! But tell me yourself, Hermes, if need be, what his points are, and what his pursuits.

Hermes Primarily he is a clever man to live with you, able to drink with you, and just the man to go with a flute-girl on the revels of an amorous and spendthrift master. Moreover, he is a connoisseur of made dishes, a most experienced cook, and a complete professor of the art of pleasant living. In fact, he was educated at Athens, and also served various despots in Sicily, and is highly esteemed by them. This is the substance of his principles: to despise everything, make use of everything, and gather pleasure from every source.

Buyer You had better cast your eye on some one of these rich men with full purses. Certainly for buying a gay life I am not your man.

Hermes It looks, Zeus, as though this one would be left on your hands.