(To an attendant.) You arrange the benches and make the place ready for the men that are coming. (To another avrenpant.) You bring on the philosophies and put them in line ; but first groom them up, so that they will look well and will attract as many as possible. (Zo nErmeEs.) You, Hermes, be crier and call them together.
Under the blessing of Heaven, let the buyers now appear at the sales-room. We shall put up for sale philosophies of every type and all manner of creeds; and if anyone is unable to pay cash, he is to name a surety and pay next year.
Many are gathering, so we must avoid wasting time and delaying them. Let us begin the sale, then.
Which do you want us to bring on first ?
This fellow with the long hair, the Ionian, for he
seems to be someone of distinction.
Hawk him now.
The noblest of philosophies for sale, the most distinguished ; who'll buy ? Who wants to be more than man? Who wants to apprehend the music of the spheres and to be born again ?
For looks, he is not bad, but what does he know best ?
Arithmetic, astronomy, charlatanry, geometry, music and quackery; you see in him a first-class soothsayer.
May I question him?
Yes, and good luck to you!
Where are you from?
From Samos.
In Egypt, with the sages there.
I shall teach thee nothing, but make thee remember.
First by making thy soul pure and purging off the filth upon it.
Well, imagine that my purification is complete, what will be your method of making me remember?
In the first place, long silence and speechlessness, and for five entire years no word of talk.
My good man, you had better teach the son of
Croesus!?
Thou shalt be practised in music and geometry.
That is delightful ; I am to become a fiddler before being wise!
Then, in addition to this, in counting.
How dost thou count ?
One, two, three, four—
Lo! what thou thinkest four is ten, and a perfect
triangle, and our oath.
Thereafter, my friend, thou shalt learn of earth and air and water and fire, what their flux is, and what form they have and how they move.
Why, has fire form, or air, or water ?
Yea, very notably, for without shape and form there can be no motion. And in addition thou shalt learn that God is number and mind and harmony.
What you say is wonderful.
And beside all that I have said, thou shalt learn
What’s that? I am another and not this man who now talks to you!
Now thou art he, but erstwhile thou didst manifest thyself in another body and under another name, and in time thou shalt again migrate into another person.
You mean that I shall be immortal, changing into many forms? But enough of this.
How do you stand in the matter of diet ?
I eat nothing at all that hath life, but all else save beans.
Why so? Do you dislike beans?
Nay, but they are holy, and wonderful is their
nature. First, they are nought but seed of man, and
if thou open a bean while it is still green, thou wilt
see that it resembleth in structure the member of a
man ; and again, if thou cook it and set it in the
light of the moon for a fixed number of nights, thou
wilt make blood. But more than this, the
Athenians are wont to choose their magistrates with
beans.
Ten minas.
I'll take him at that figure.
Write down the buyer’s name and where he comes from.
He appears to be an Italian, Zeus, one of those
who live in the neighbourhood of Croton and
Tarentum and the Greek settlements in that
quarter of the world. But there is more than one
buyer; about three hundred have bought him in
shares.
Do you want the dirty one over yonder, from the
Black Sea ?
You there with the wallet slung about you, you
Crier, what’s that you say? Are you selling someone who is free ?
That I am.
Then aren’t you afraid he may have the law on you for kidnapping or even summon you to the Areopagus ?
He doesn’t mind being sold, for he thinks that he is free anyhow.
What use could a man make of him, filthy as he is, and in such a wretched condition? However, he might be made a shoveller or a drawer of water.
Not only that, but if you make him doorkeeper,
you will find him far more trusty than a dog. In
tact, he is even called a dog.
Ask the man himself; it is better to do so.
I am afraid of his sullen, hang-dog look; he may
bark at me if I go near him, or even bite me, by
Zeus! Don’t you see how he has his cudgel poised
Don’t be afraid ; he is gentle.
First of all, my friend, where are you from?
Everywhere.
What do you mean ?
You see in me a citizen of the world.
Whom do you take for your pattern ?
Heracles.
Then why don’t you wear a lion’s skin? For as to the cudgel, you are like him in that.
This short cloak is my lion-skin; and I am a soldier like him, fighting against pleasures, no conscript but a volunteer, purposing to make life clean.
A fine purpose! But what do you know best, and what is your business?
I am a liberator of men and a physician to their
ills; in short I desire to be an interpreter of truth
and free speech.
Very good, interpreter! But if IT buy you, what course of training will you give me ?
First, after taking you in charge, stripping you of
your luxury and shackling you to want, I will puta
short cloak on you. Next I will compel you to
undergo pains and hardships, sleeping on the ground,
drinking nothing but water and filling yourself with
any food that comes your way. As for your money,
in case you have any, if you follow my advice you
will throw it into the sea forthwith. You will take
no thought for marriage or children or native land:
all that will be sheer nonsense to you, and you will
leave the house of your fathers and make your home
in atomb or a deserted tower or even a jar.
What do you mean by not feeling pain when I am flogged? I am not enclosed in the carapace of a turtle or a crab !
You will put in practice the saying of Euripides, slightly revised.
What saying?
The traits that you should possess in particular are
these : you should be impudent and bold, and should
abuse all and each, both kings and commoners, for
thus they will admire you and think you manly. Let
your language be barbarous, your voice discordant
and just like the barking of a dog: let your expression be set, and your gait consistent with your
expression. In a word, let everything about you be
bestial and savage. Put off modesty, decency and
moderation, and wipe away blushes from your face
completely. Frequent the most crowded place, and
in those very places desire to be solitary and uncommunicative, greeting nor friend nor stranger; for to
do so is abdication of the empire.
Get out with you! The life you talk of is abominable and inhuman.
But at all events it is easy, man, and no trouble
for all to follow ; for you will not need education and
doctrine and drivel, but this road is a short cut to
fame. Even if you are an unlettered man,—a tanner
I do not want you for any such purpose, but you might do at a pinch for a boatman or a gardener, and only then if my friend here is willing to sell you for two obols at the outside.
He’s yours: take him. We shall be glad to get rid of him because he is annoying and loud-mouthed and insults and abuses everybody without exception.
Call another; the Cyrenaic in the purple cloak,
with the wreath on his head.
Come here and tell me what you know ; I will buy you if you are of any use.
Don’t bother him, please, sir, and don’t question
him, for he is drunk, and so can’t answer you
because his tongue falters, as you observe.
In general, he is accommodating to live with, satisfactory to drink with, and handy to accompany an amorous and profligate master when he riots about town with a flute-girl, Moreover, he is a connoisseur in pastries and a highly expert cook: in short, a Professor of Luxury. He was educated in Athens, and entered service in Sicily, at the court of the tyrants, with whom he enjoyed high favour. The sum and substance of his creed is to despise everything, make use of everything and cull pleasure from every source.
You had better look about for someone else, among these rich and wealthy people ; for I can’t afford to buy a jolly life.
It looks as if this fellow would be left on our hands, Zeus.
Remove him ; bring on another—stay ! those two,
the one from Abdera who laughs and the one from
Ephesus who cries, for I want to sell them together.
Zeus ! What a contrast! One of thei never stops laughing, and the other is apparently mourning a death, as he weeps incessantly. What is the matter, man? Why are you laughing?
Dost thou need to ask? Because to me it seemeth that all your affairs are laughable, and yourselves as well.
What, are you laughing at us all, and do you think nothing of our affairs?
Even so; for there is nothing serious in them, but everything is a hollow mockery, drift of atoms, infinitude.
No indeed, but you yourself are a hollow mockery in very truth and an infinite ass.
Oh, what effrontery! Will you never stop laughing? (Zo the other.) But you, why do youcry? For I think it is much more becoming to talk with you.
Because I consider, O stranger, that the affairs of
man are woeful and tearful, and there is naught in
them that is not foredoomed; therefore I pity and
grieve for men. And their present woes I do not
consider great, but those to come in future will be
wholly bitter; I speak of the great conflagrations
And what is Eternity ?
A child playing a game, moving counters, in discord, in concord.
What are men?
Mortal gods.
And the Gods ?
Immortal men.
Are you telling riddles, man, or making conundrums? You are just like Apollo, for you say
nothing plainly.
Then nobody in his sense will buy you.
I bid ye go weep, one and all, buy you or buy you
not.
They are left unsold also.
Put up another.
Do you want the Athenian over there, who has so
much to say?
Come here, sir. We are putting up a righteous and intelligent philosophy. Who'll buy the height of sanctity ?
Tell me what you know best ?
I am a lover, and wise in matters of love.
How am I to buy you, then? What I wanted was a tutor for my son, who is handsome.
But who would be more suitable than I to associate
with a handsome lad? It is not the body I love, it
is the soul that I hold beautiful. As a matter of
But I swear to you by the dog and the plane-tree that this is so.
Heracles! What curious gods!
What is that you say? Don’t you think the dog is a god? Don’t you know about Anubis in Egypt, how great he is, and about Sirius in the sky and Cerberus in the world below ?
Quite right ; I was entirely mistaken. But what is your manner of life?
I dwell in a city that I created for myself, using
an imported constitution and enacting statutes of
my own.
Let me tell you the most important one, the view
You mean by this that you have abolished the laws against adultery ?
Yes, and in a word, all this pettiness about such matters.
What is your attitude as to pretty boys?
Their kisses shall be a guerdon for the bravest after they have done some splendid, reckless deed.
My word, what generosity! And what is the gist of your wisdom ?
My “ideas”; I mean the patterns of existing things: for of everything that you behold, the earth, with all that is upon it, the sky, the sea, invisible images exist outside the universe.
Where do they exist ?
Nowhere ; for if they were anywhere, they would
not be.
Then I must buy you for your wisdom and your sharp sight. (Zo Hermes.) Come, let’s see what price you will make me for him?
Give me two talents.
He is sold to me at the price you mention, But I will pay the money later on.
What is your name?
Dion of Syracuse.
What is his price?
Two minas.
He eats sweets and honey-cakes, and, above all, figs.
No trouble about that; we shall buy him cakes of pressed figs from Caria.
Call another, the one over there with the cropped head, the dismal fellow from the Porch.
Quite right; at all events it looks as if the men
who frequent the public square were waiting for him
in great numbers.
What do you mean by that?
That he is the only wise man, the only handsome
man, the only just man, brave man, king, orator,
rich man, lawgiver, and everything else that
there is.