HERMES Do begin, then.

ZEUS Gentlemen of Heaven, in preference to great riches you would choose, I am sure, to learn why it is that you are now assembled. This being so, it behoves you to give my words an attentive hearing. The present crisis, gods, all but breaks out in speech and says that we must grapple stoutly with the issues of the day, but we, it seems to me, are treating them with great indifference.Compare the beginning of Demosthenes’ first Olynthiac. I now Jesire—my Demosthenes is running short, you see —to tell you plainly what it was that disturbed me nd mmade me call the meeting. Yesterday, as you know, when Mnesitheus the 1ip-captain made the offering for the deliverance of 's slip, which came near being lost off Caphereus, e banqueted at Piraeus, those of us whom nesitheus asked to the sacrifice. Then, after the atioms, you all went in different directions, wherpy each of you thought fit, but I myself, as it was Every late, went up to town to take my evening stroll in the Potters’ Quarter, reflecting as I went upon the stinginess of Mnesitheus. ‘To feast sixteen gods he had sacrificed only a cock, and a wheezy old cock at that, and four cakes of frankincense that were thoroughly well mildewed, so that they went right out on the coals and didn’t even give off enough smoke to smell with the tip of your nose ; and yet he had promised whole herds of cattle while the ship was drifting on the rock and was inside the ledges.

But when, thus reflecting, I had reached the Painted Porch, I saw a great number of men gathered together, some inside, in the porch itself, a number in the court, and one or two sitting on the seats bawling and straining their lungs. Guessing (as was indeed the case) that they were philosophers of the disputatious order, I decided to stop and hear what they were saying, and as I happened to be wrapped im one of my thick clouds, I dressed myself after their style and lengthened my beard with a pull, making myself very like a philosopher; then, elbowing the rabble aside, I went in without being recognized. I found the Epicurean Damis, that sly rogue, and Timocles the Stoic, the best man in the world, disputing madly : at least Timocles was sweating and had worn his voice out with shouting, while Damnis with his sardonic laughter was making him more and more excited.

Their whole discussion was about us. That confounded Damis asserted that we do not exercise any providence in behalf of men and do not oversee what goes on among them, saying nothing less than that we do not exist at all (for that is of course what his argument implied), and there were some who applauded him. The other, however, I mean Timocles, was on our side and fought for us and got angry and took our part in every way, praising our management and telling how we govern and direct everything in the appropriate order and system ; and he too had some who applauded him. But finally he grew tired and began to speak badly and the crowd began to turn admiring eyes on Damis; so, seeing the danger, I ordered night to close in and break up the conference. They went away, therefore, after agreeing to carry the dispute to a conclusion the next day, and I myself, going along with the crowd, overheard them praising Damis’ views on their way home and even then far preferring his side: there were some, however, who recommended them not to condemn the other side in advance but to wait and see what Timocles would say the next day.

That is why I called you together, gods, and it is no trivial reason if you consider that all our honour and glory and revenue comes from men, and if they are convinced either that there are no gods at all or that if there are they have no thought of men, we shall be without sacrifices, without presents and without honours on earth and shall sit idle in Heaven in the grip of famine, choused out of our old-time feasts and celebrations and games and sacrifices and vigils and processions. Such being the issue, I say that all must try to think out something to save the situation for us, so that Timocles will win and be thought to have the truth on his side of the argument and Damis will be laughed to scorn by the audience: for I have very little confidence that Timocles will win by himself if he has not our backing. Therefore make your lawful proclamation, Hermes, so that they may arise and give counsel.

HERMES Hark! Hush! No noise! Who of the gods in full standing that have the right to speak wants to do so? What’s this? Nobody arises? Are you dumfounded by the greatness of the issues presented, that you hold your tongues?

MOMUSMarry, you others may all into water and earth be converted;addressed to the Greeks by Menelaus when they were reluctant to take up the challenge of Hector.Iliad7, 99. but as for me, if I were privileged to speak frankly, I would have a great deal to say.

ZEUS Speak, Momus, with full confidence, for it is clear that your frankness will be intended for our common good.

MOMUS Well then, listen, gods, to what comes straight from the heart, as the saying goes. I quite expected that we should wind up in this helpless plight and that we should have a great crop of sophists like this, who get from us ourselves the justification for their temerity; and I vow by Themis that it is not right to be angry either at Epicurus or at his associates and successors in doctrine if they have formed such an idea of us. Why, what could one expect them to think when they see so much confusion in life, and see that the good men among them are neglected and waste away in poverty and illness and bondage while scoundrelly, pestilential fellows are highly honoured and have enormous wealth and lord it over their betters, and that templerobbers are not punished but escape, while men who are guiltless of all wrong-dving sometimes die by the cross or the scourge ?

It is natural, then, that on seeing this they think of us as if we were nothing at all, especially when they hear the oracles saying that on crossing the Halys somebody will destroy a great kingdom, without indicating whether he will destroy his own or that of the enemy ; and again “Glorious Salamis, death shalt thou bring to the children of women,From the famous oracle about the ‘* wooden wall,” which Themistocles interpreted for the Athenians.Herod. 7, 140 ff. for surely both Persians and Greeks were the children of women! And when the reciters tell them that we fall in love and get wounded and are thrown into chains and become slaves and quarrel among ourselves and have a thousand cares, and all this in spite of our claim to be blissful and deathless, are they not justified in laughing at us and holding us in no esteem? We, however, are vexed if any humans not wholly without wits criticize all this and reject our providence, when we ought to be glad if any of them continue to sacrifice to us, offending as we do.

I beg you here and now, Zeus, as we are alone and there is no man in our gathering except Heracles and Dionysus and Ganymede and Asclepius, these naturalized aliens—answer me truly, have you ever had enough regard for those on earth to find out who are the good among them and who are the bad? No, you can’t say that you have! In fact, if Theseus on his way from Troezen to Athens had not incidentally done away with the marauders, as far as you and your providence are concerned nothing would hinder Sciron and Pityocamptes and Cereyon and the rest of them from continuing to live in luxury by slaughtering wayfarers. Andif Eurystheus, an upright man, full of providence, had not out of the love he bore his fellow men looked into the conditions everywhere and sent out this servant of his,Heracles. a hard-working fellow eager for tasks, you, Zeus, would have paid little heed to the Hydra and the Stymphalian birds and the Thracian mares and the insolence and wantonness of the Centaurs.

If you would have me speak the truth, we sit here considering just one question, whether anybody is slaying victims and burning incense at our altars ; everything else drifts with the current, swept aimlessly along. Therefore we are getting and shall continue to get no more than we deserve when men gradually begin to crane their necks upward and find out that it does them no good to sacrifice to us and hold processions. Then in a little while you shall see the Epicuruses and Metrodoruses and Damises laughing at us, and our pleaders overpowered and silenced by them. So it is for the rest of you to check and remedy all this, you who carried it so far. To me, being only Momus, it does not make much difference if I ain to be unhonoured, for even in bygone days I was not one of those in honour, while you are still fortunate and enjoy your sacrifices.

ZEUS Let us ignore this fellow’s nonsense, gods; he is always harsh and fault-finding. As that wonderful man Demosthenes says, to reproach and criticize and find fault is easy and anyone can do it, but to advise how a situation. may be improved requires a really wise counsellor; and this is what the rest of you will do, I am very sure, even if Momus says nothing.

POSEIDON For my part I am pretty much subaqueous, as you know, and live by myself in the depths, doing my best to rescue sailors, speed vessels on their course and calm the winds. Nevertheless I am interested in matters here too, and I say that this Damis should be put out of the way before he enters the dispute, either with a thunderbolt or by some other means, for fear that he may get the better of it in the argument ; for you say, Zeus, that he is a plausible fellow. At the same time we'll show them how we punish people who say such things against us.

ZEUS Are you joking, Poseidon, or have you completely forgotten that nothing of the sort is in our power, but the Fates decide by their spinning that one man is to die by a thunderbolt, another by the sword and another by fever or consumption? If it lay in my power, do you suppose I would have let the temple-robbers get away from Olympia the other day unscathed by my thunderbolt, when they had shorn off two of my curls weighing six pounds apiece? Or would you yourself at Geraestus have allowed the fisherman from Oreus to filch your trident? Besides, it will look as if we were getting angry because we have been injured, and as if we feared the arguments of Damis and were making away with him for that reason, without waiting for him to be put to the proof by Timocles. Shall we not seem, then, to be winning by default if we win in that way?

POSEIDON Why, I supposed I had thought of a short cut to victory ?

ZEUS Avast ! a stockfish idea, Poseidon, downright stupid, to make away with your adversary in advance so that he may die undefeated, leaving the question still in dispute and unsettled !

POSEIDON Well, then, the rest of you think of something else that is better, since you relegate my ideas to the stockfish in that fashion.

APOLLO If we young fellows without beards were permitted by law to take the floor, perhaps I might have made some contribution to the debate.

MOMUS In the first place, Apollo, the debate is on such great issues that the right to speak does not go by age but is open to all alike ; for it would be delicious if when we were in direst danger we quibbled about our rights under the law. Secondly, according to law _ you are already fully entitled to the floor, for you came of age long ago and are registered in the list of the Twelve Gods and almost were a member of the council in the days of Cronus. So don’t play the boy with us: say what you think boldly, and don’t be sensitive about speaking without a beard when you have such a long-bearded, hairy-faced son in Asclepius. Besides, it would be in order for you to show your wisdom now or never, unless you sit on Helicon and talk philosophy with the Muses for nothing.

APOLLO But it is not for you to give such permission, Momus; it is for Zeus, and if he lets me perhaps I may say something not without sweetness and light and worthy of my study on Helicon.

ZEUS Speak, my boy: I give you permission.

APOLLO This Timocles is an upright, God-fearing man and he is thoroughly up in the Stoic doctrines, so that he gives lessons to many of the young men -and collects large fees for it, being very plausible when he disputes privately with his pupils; but he utterly lacks the courage to speak before a crowd and his language is vulgar and half-foreign, so that he gets laughed at for that reason when he appears in public, for he does not talk fluently but stammers and gets confused, especially when in spite of these faults he wants to make a show of fine language. His intellect, to be sure, is exceedingly keen and subtle, as people say who know more than I about Stoicism, but in lecturing and expounding he weakens and obscures his points by his incapacity, not making his meaning clear but presenting propositions that are like riddles and returning answers that are still more unintelligible; hence the others failing to com- prehend, laugh at him. But it is essential to speak clearly, I think, and beyond all else to take great pains to be understood by the hearers.