Do you suppose we don’t know the reason of your. anguish ?
You simple creature, to think that our circumstances permit of love-making and such pastimes !
Why, Hera, the circumstances of the gods are as bad as they can be, and as the saying goes, it rests on the edge of a razor whether we are still to be honoured and have our due on earth or are actually to be ignored completely and count for nothing.
It can’t be that the earth has once more given birth to giants, or that the Titans have burst their bonds and overpowered their guard, and are once more taking up arms against us?
Then what else that is terrible can happen?
Unless something of that sort is worrying you, I
don’t see why you should behave in our presence
like a Polus or an Aristodemus
Why, Hera, Timocles the Stoic and Damis the
Epicurean had a dispute about Providence yesterday
(I don’t know how the discussion began) in the
presence of a great many men of high standing, and
it was that fact that annoyed me most. Damis
asserted that gods did not even exist, to say nothing
of overseeing or directing events, whereas Timocles,
good soul that he is, tried to take our part. Then a
A dreadful situation in all conscience and it wasn’t for nothing, Zeus, that you ranted over it.
And you supposed I was thinking of some Danaé or Antiope in all this confusion! Come now, Hermes and Hera and Athena, what can we do? You too, you know, must do your share of the planning.
Ihold the question should be laid before the people ; let’s call a meeting.
I think the same as he does.
But I think differently, father. Let’s not stir
Heaven all up and show that you are upset over the
business: manage it yourself in such a way that
Timocles will win in the argument and Damis will
be laughed to scorn and abandon the field.
Well then, make a proclamation and let everyone come; you are right in what you say.
Hear ye, gods, assemble in meeting! Don’t delay ! Assemble one and all! Come! We are to meet about important matters.
Is that the sort of proclamation you make, Hermes, so bald and simple and prosaic, and that too when you are calling them together on business of the greatest importance?
Why, how do you want me to do it, Zeus?
How do I want you to do it? Ennoble your proclamation, I tell you, with metre and_highsounding, poetical words, so that they may be more eager to assemble.
Yes, but that, Zeus, is the business of epic poets
and reciters, and I am not a bit of a poet, so that I
shall ruin the proclamation by making my lines too
long or too short and it will be a laughing-stock to
them because of the limping verses. In fact I see
that even Apollo gets laughed at for some of his
oracles, although they are generally so beclouded
Well then, Hermes, put into the proclamation a lot of the verses which Homer used in calling us together; of course you remember them.
Not at all as distinctly and readily as I might, but
I'll have a try at it anyway :
Splendid, Hermes! an excellent proclamation,
that. Indeed, they are coming together already, so
take them in charge and seat each of them in his
proper place according to his material and workmanhip, those of gold in the front row, then next to
hem those of silver, then all those of ivory, then
hose of bronze or stone, and among the latter let
he gods made by Phidias or Alcamenes or Myron
t Euphranor or such artists have precedence and
et these vulgar, inartistic fellows huddle together
It shall be done, and they shall be seated properly ; but I had better find out about this; if one of them is of gold and very heavy, yet not precise in workmanship but quite ordinary and misshapen, is he to sit in front of the bronzes of Myron and Polyclitus and the marbles of Phidias and Alcamenes, or is precedence to be given to the art?
It ought to be that way, but gold must have precedence all the same.
I understand : you tell me to seat them in order
of wealth, not in order of merit; by valuation.
Come to the front seats, then, you of gold.
It is
likely, Zeus, that none but foreigners will occupy
the front row, for as to the Greeks you yourself see
what they are like, attractive, to be sure, and good
looking and artistically made, but all of marble or
bronze, nevertheless, or at most in the case of the
very richest, of ivory with just a little gleam of
gold, merely to the extent of being superficially
tinged and brightened, within while even these are
of wood and shelter whole droves of mice that keep
court inside. But Bendis here and Anubis over
there and Attis beside him and Mithras and Men
are of solid gold and heavy and very valuable
indeed.
Now why is it right, Hermes, for this dog-faced
fellow from Egypt
That’s all very well, but Lysippus made you of bronze and a pauper because the Corinthians had no gold at that time, while this fellow is richer than you are by mines-full. So you must put up with being thrust aside and not be angry if one who has such a snout of gold is preferred before you.
Well then, Hermes, take me and seat me in the front row somewhere, for I am golden.
Not as far as I can see, Aphrodite: unless I am stone blind, you are of white marble, quarried on Pentelicus, no doubt, and then, the plan having approved itself to Praxiteles, turned iuto Aphrodite and put into the care of the Cnidians.
But I'll prove it to you by a competent witness, Homer, who says all up and down his lays that I am “golden Aphrodite.”
Yes, and the same man said that Apollo was rich
in gold and wealthy, but now you'll see that he too
is sitting somewhere among the middle class, uncrowned by the pirates and robbed of the pegs of
his lyre. So be content yourself if you are not quite
classed with the common herd in the meeting.
But who would make bold to rival me, when I ain Helius and so great in size? If the Rhodians had not wanted to make me monstrous and enormous, they might have made sixteen gods of gold at the same expense, so in virtue of this I should be considered more valuable. And I have art and precision of workmanship, too, for all my great size.
What’s to be done, Zeus? This is a hard question to decide, at least for me; for if I should consider the material, he is only bronze, but if I compute how many thousands it cost to cast him, he would be more than a millionaire.
Oh, why had he to turn up to disparage the smallness of the others and to disarrange the seating? See here, most puissant of Rhodians, however much you may deserve precedence over those of gold, how can you sit in the front row unless everyone else is to be obliged to stand up so that you alone can sit down, occupying the whole Pnyx with one of your hams? Therefore you had better stand up during the meeting and stoop over the assembly.
Here is still another question that is hard to solve.
Both of them are of bronze and of the same artistic
merit, each being by Lysippus, and what is more
they are equals in point of family, for both are sons
of Zeus—I mean Dionysus here and Heracles.
Which of them has precedence? Vor they are quarrelling, as you gee.
Heracles ! what a row they are making with their usual daily shouts: “Give us our shares!”’ “Where is the nectar?” “The ambrosia is all gone!” "Where are the hecatombs?” “Victims in common !”’
Hush them up, Hermes, so that they may learn why they were called together, as soon as they have stopped this nonsense.
Not all of them understand Greek, Zeus, and I am no polyglot, to make a proclamation that Scyths and Persians and Thracians and Celts can understand. I had better sign to them with my hand, I think, and make them keep still.
Do so.
Good! There you have them, quieter than the sophists. It is time to make your speech, then. Come, come, they have been gazing at you this long time, waiting to see what in the world you are going to say.
Well, Hermes, I need not hesitate to tell you how
Yes, and I used to be frightened when I heard
you making a speech, above all when you threatened
to pull up the earth and the sea from their
foundations, with the gods to boot, letting down
that cord of gold.
Then do you want me to recite them my famous Homeric introduction ?
Which one?
"Hark to me, all of the gods, and all the goddesses
likewise.”
Good! That is a short cut to speechmaking and a timely help to anyone who doesn’t know what to say.
Do begin, then.
Gentlemen of Heaven, in preference to great
riches you would choose, I am sure, to learn why it
is that you are now assembled. This being so, it
behoves you to give my words an attentive hearing.
The present crisis, gods, all but breaks out in
speech and says that we must grapple stoutly with
the issues of the day, but we, it seems to me, are
treating them with great indifference.
But when, thus reflecting, I had reached the Painted Porch, I saw a great number of men gathered together, some inside, in the porch itself, a number in the court, and one or two sitting on the seats bawling and straining their lungs. Guessing (as was indeed the case) that they were philosophers of the disputatious order, I decided to stop and hear what they were saying, and as I happened to be wrapped im one of my thick clouds, I dressed myself after their style and lengthened my beard with a pull, making myself very like a philosopher; then, elbowing the rabble aside, I went in without being recognized. I found the Epicurean Damis, that sly rogue, and Timocles the Stoic, the best man in the world, disputing madly : at least Timocles was sweating and had worn his voice out with shouting, while Damnis with his sardonic laughter was making him more and more excited.
Their whole discussion was about us. That confounded Damis asserted that we do not exercise any
providence in behalf of men and do not oversee
what goes on among them, saying nothing less than
that we do not exist at all (for that is of course what
That is why I called you together, gods, and it is
no trivial reason if you consider that all our honour
and glory and revenue comes from men, and if they
are convinced either that there are no gods at all
or that if there are they have no thought of men,
we shall be without sacrifices, without presents and
without honours on earth and shall sit idle in Heaven
in the grip of famine, choused out of our old-time
feasts and celebrations and games and sacrifices and
vigils and processions. Such being the issue, I say
that all must try to think out something to save the
situation for us, so that Timocles will win and be
thought to have the truth on his side of the argument and Damis will be laughed to scorn by the
audience: for I have very little confidence that
Hark! Hush! No noise! Who of the gods in full standing that have the right to speak wants to do so? What’s this? Nobody arises? Are you dumfounded by the greatness of the issues presented, that you hold your tongues?
Speak, Momus, with full confidence, for it is clear that your frankness will be intended for our common good.
Well then, listen, gods, to what comes straight
from the heart, as the saying goes. I quite expected
that we should wind up in this helpless plight and
that we should have a great crop of sophists like
this, who get from us ourselves the justification for
their temerity; and I vow by Themis that it is not
right to be angry either at Epicurus or at his
associates and successors in doctrine if they have
formed such an idea of us. Why, what could one
expect them to think when they see so much confusion in life, and see that the good men among
them are neglected and waste away in poverty and
It is natural, then, that on seeing this they
think of us as if we were nothing at all, especially
when they hear the oracles saying that on crossing
the Halys somebody will destroy a great kingdom,
without indicating whether he will destroy his own
or that of the enemy ; and again