You see, a servant came into the midst of us, saying that he was from Hetoemocles the Stoic and carrying a paper which he said his master had told him to read in public, so that everybody would hear, and then to go back again. On getting the consent of Aristaenetus, he went up to the lamp and began to read.

PHILO I suppose, Lycinus, that it was an address in praise of the bride, or else a wedding-song? They often write such pieces.

LYCINUS Of course we ourselves expected something of the sort, but it was far from that: its contents were :

"Hetoemocles the philosopher to Aristaenetus.

“How I feel about dining out, my whole past life can testify; for although every day I am pestered by many men much richer than you are, nevertheless I am never. forward about accepting, as I am familiar with the disturbances and riotous doings at dinnerparties. But in your case and yours only I think I have reason to be angry, because you, to whom I have so long ministered indefatigably, did not think fit to number me among your friends : no, I alone do not count with you, and that too though I live next door. I am indignant, therefore, and more on your account than on my own, because you have shown yourself so thankless, For me, happiness is not a matter of getting a wild boar, a hare or a cake— things which I enjoy ungrudged at the tables of other people who know what is right. Indeed, today I might have had dinner with my pupil Pammenes (and a splendid dinner, too, they say), but I did not accede to his entreaties, saving myself for you, fool that I was.

You, however, have given me the go-by and are entertaining others. No wonder, for you are even yet unable to distinguish between the better and the worse, and you have not the faculty of direct comprehension, either. But I know where all this comes from—those wonderful philosophers of yours, Zenothemis and the Labyrinth, whose mouths I could very soon stop, I know, with a single syllogism, Heaven forgive me for boasting! Just let one of them say what philosophy is, or, to go back to the elements, what is the difference between attribute and accident.More literally, ἕξις means a permanent state, σέσις a transient state. I shall not mention an of the fallacies like ‘ the horns,’ ‘ the heap,’ or ‘ the mower.’ The Stoics devoted a great deal of study to the invention and solution of fallacies. “The horns” ran thus: “All that you have not lost, you have; but you have not lost horns, ergo, you have them.” In "the heap” the philosopher proves that one grain of corn makes a heap; in “the mower,” that a man who says he will mow a field will not and cannot mow it. Several other fallacies are illustrated in "Philosophers for Sale,” 22. “Well, much may your philosophers profit you ! Holding as I do that only what is honourable is good, I shall easily stand the slight.

But you need not think you can afterwards take refuge in the plea that you forgot me in all the confusion and bother, for I spoke to you twice to-day, not only in the morning at your house, but later in the day, when you were sacrificing at the temple of Castor and Pollux, “I have made this statement to set myself right with your guests.

But if you think that I am angry over a mere dinner, call to mind the story of Oeneus and you will see that Artemis herself was angry because she was the only one whom he had not asked to the sacrifice when he entertained all the rest-of the gods. Homer puts it something like this: Whether he forgot or would not, greatly was his soul at fault.Iliad 9, 537. Euripides says : This land is Calydon, lying over seasFrom Pelops’ isle ; a land of fertile plains.From the lost Meleager of Euripides. . And Sophocles: A boar, a monstrous thing, on Oeneus’ fieldsTurned loose Latona’s lass, who kills afar.From the lost Meleager of Sophocles.

“I bring to your attention only these few points out of many, so that you may learn what sort of man you have left out in favour of Diphilus, whom you entertain and have put in charge of your son. No wonder, for he is nice to the boy and is an indulgent tutor. If it were not beneath me to say such things, I might have told you something more, and if you wished you could find out from Zopyrus, the boy’s attendant, that it is true. But it is wrong to. make trouble at a wedding and to defame others, especially with charges sounseemly. Albeit Diphilus deserves it for having won two pupils away from me, I shall hold my tongue in deference to Philosophy herself.

“I have directed my servant, in case you offer him a portion of boar’s flesh or venison or sesame-cake to bring to me as an excuse for not asking me to dinner, not to take it, for fear it may seem as though I sent him with that in view.”

While all that was being read, my dear fellow, the sweat poured off me for shame, and to quote the saying, I prayed that the earth would swallow me when I saw the guests all laughing at every sentence, especially as many as knew Hetoemocles, a man with gray hair who looked to be highminded. It was a marvel to me that such a man had hoodwinked them, deceiving them with his beard and the concentration expressed in his features. It was my notion that Aristaenetus had not carelessly overlooked him, but that, not thinking he would accept if invited, he would not expose himself to any such treatment, and so thought best not to try him at all.

When at last the slave stopped reading, the whole party looked at Zeno and Diphilus, who were frightened and pale, and by the distress in their faces acknowledged the truth of the charges brought by Hetoemocles. Aristaenetus was perturbed and fall of confusion, but he told us to go on drinking just the same and tried to smooth the business over, smiling as he did so; the servant he sent away with the words: “I will see to it.” After a little while Zeno withdrew unobservedly, for his attendant directed him to go, as if at the bidding of his father.

Cleodemus had long been looking for an opportunity, as he wanted to pitch into the Stoics and was ready to burst because he could not find a satisfactory opening. But at last the letter gave him his cue, and he said: “That is what your noble Chrysippus does, and your wonderful Zeno and Cleanthes! They are nothing but miserable phrase-makers and question-mongers, philosophers in dress, but in-all else just like Hetoemocles, most of them. And the letter—see how venerable it is! To cap all, Aristaenetus is Oeneus and Hetoemocles is Artemis! Good Lord! In excellent taste, all of it, and just the thing for a festive occasion!”

“Yes,” said Hermon, from his place above Cleodemus, “I suppose he had heard that Aristaenetus had a boar ready for the dinner, so that he thought it not inopportune to mention the boar of Calydon. Come, Aristaenetus, in the name of Hospitality send him a portion with all speed, for fear you may be too late and the old man may waste away like Meleager from hunger! Yet it would be no hardship to him, for Chrysippus held that all such things are of no import.” The Stoics divided the objects of human endeavour into three classes—the good, which were to be sought; the bad, which were to be shunned; and the indifferent, or unimportant, which were neither to be sought nor shunned.

“What, do you dare to mention the name of Chrysippus ?” said Zenothemis, rousing himself and shouting at the top of his voice."Dare you judge Cleanthes and Zeno, who were learned men, by a single individual who is not a regular philosopher, by Hetoemocles the charlatan? Whoare you two, pray, to say all that? Hermon, didn’t you cut off the hair of the Twin Brethren because it was gold?Antique statues with golden (or gilded) hair are mentioned not infrequently. In the "Timon” (4) Lucian alludes to the theft of the hair from the head of the famous statue of Zeus in Olympia. You'll suffer for it, too, when the executioner gets you! And as for you, Cleodemus, you had an affair with the wife of your pupil Sostratus, and were found out and grossly mishandled. Have the grace to hold your tongues, then, with such sins on your consciences !”’ “But I don’t sell the favours of my own wife as you do,” said Cleodemus, “nor did I take my foreign pupil’s allowance in trust and then swear by Athena Polias that I never had it, nor do I lend money at four per cent. a month, nor throttle my pupils if they fail to pay their fees in time.” “But you can’t deny,” said Zenothemis, “that you sold Crito a dose of poison for his father!”

And with that, being in the act of drinking, he flung on the pair all that was left in the cup, and it was about half full! Ion also got the benefit of his nearness to them, and he quite deserved it. Well, Hermon, bending forward, began wiping the wine from his head and calling the guests to witness what had been done to him. But Cleodemus, not having a cup, whirled about and spat on Zenothemis; then, taking him by the beard with his left hand, he was about to hit him in the face, and would have’ killed the old man if Aristaenetus had not stayed his hand, stepped over Zenothemis and lain down between them, to separate them and make them keep the peace with him for a dividing-wall.

While all this was going -on, Philo, various thoughts were in my mind; for example, the very obvious one that it is no good knowing the liberal arts if one doesn’t improve his way of living, too. At any rate, the men I have mentioned, though clever in words, were getting laughed at, I saw, for their deeds. And then I could not help wondering whether what everyone says might not after all be true, that education leads men away from right thinking, since they persist in having no regard for anything but books and the thoughts in them. At any rate, though so many philosophers were present, there really was not a single one to be seen who was devoid of fault, but some acted disgracefully and some talked still more disgracefully ; and I could not lay what was going on to the wine, considering what Hetoemocles had written without having had either food or drink.

The tables were turned, then, and the unlettered folk were manifestly dining i in great decorum, without either getting maudlin or behaving disreputably ; they simply laughed and passed judgement, perhaps, on the others, whom they used to admire, thinking them men of importance because of the garb they wore. The learned men, on the contrary, were playing the rake and abusing each other and gorging themselves and bawling and coming to blows ; and “marvellous” Alcidamas even made water right there in the room, without showing any respect for the women. It seemed to me that, to use the best possible simile, the events of the dinner were very like what the poets tell of Discord. They say, you know, that, not having been asked to the wedding of Peleus, she threw the apple into the company, and that from it arose the great war at Troy. The golden apple, for the fairest of the goddesses, was awarded to Aphrodite by Paris, who was paid for his decision by being given the love of Helen. Well, to my thinking ‘Hetoemocles by throwing his. letter into the midst of us like an Apple of Discord had brought on woes quite as great as those of the Iliad.

The friends of Zenothemis and Cleodemus did not stop quarrelling when Aristaenetus came between them. “For the present,’ said Cleodemus, “it is enough if you Stoics are shown up in your ignorance, but to-morrow I will pay you back as I ought. Tell me, then, Zenothemis, or you, Diphilus, you pattern of propriety, why it is that although you say moneygetting is of no import, you aim at nothing in the world but getting more, and for this reason always hang about rich people and lend money and extort high interest and teach for pay; and again, why is it that although you hate pleasure and inveigh against the Epicureans, you yourselves do to others and suffer others to do to you all that is most shameful for pleasure’s sake; you get angry if a man does not ask you to dinner, and when you are actually asked, you not only eat quantities but hand over quantities to your servants,’—and with that he tried to pull away the napkin that Zenothemis’ slave was holding. It was full of meats of all kinds, and he intended to open it and throw its contents on the ground, but the slave clung to it stoutly and did not let him.

“Bravo, Cleodemus,” said Hermon; “let them tell why they inveigh against pleasure when they themselves want to have more of it than the rest of mankind.” “No,” said Zenothemis, “but do you, Cleodemus, say why you hold that wealth is important.” “No, that is for you to do!” This went on for a long while, until Ion, bending forward to make himself more conspicuous, said : “Stop, and if you wish I will put before you a topic for a discussion worthy of the present festal day, and you shall talk and listen without quarrelling, exactly as in our Plato’s circle, where most of the time was passed in discussion.” All the guests applauded, especially Aristaenetus and Eucritus, who hoped at least to do away with the unpleasantness in that way. Aristaenetus went back to his own place, trusting that peace had been made.

At the same time we were served with what they call the “Full Dinner”’—a bird apiece, boar’s flesh and_hare’s, broiled fish, sesame-cakes and sweetmeats; all of which you had leave to carry away. They did not put a separate tray in front of each of us, but Aristaenetus and Eucritus had theirs together on a single table, and each was to take what was on his side. In like manner Zenothemis the Stoic and Hermon the Epicurean had theirs together, and then Cleodemus and Ion, who came next, and after them the bridegroom and myself; Diphilus, however, had two portions set before him, as Zeno had gone away. Remember all this, Philo, please, because it is of importance for my story. ed PHILO I shall remember, of course.

LYCINUS Well, Ion said: “Then I will begin first, if you like”; and after a little pause: “Perhaps with men of such distinction here we ought to talk of ‘ideas’ and incorporeal entities and the immortality of the soul ; but in order that I may not be contradicted by all those who are not of the same belief in philosophy, I shall take the topic of marriage and say what is fitting. It were best not to need marriage, but to follow Plato and Socrates and be content with friendship: at all events only such as they can attain perfection in virtue. But if we must marry, we should have our wives in common, as Plato held, so as to be devoid of envy.”

These remarks gave rise to laughter, because they were made out of season. But Dionysodorus said : “Stop your outlandish jabbering! Where can the word envy be found in that sense, and in what author?”The rhetorician ζῆλος at Ion for using ¢jAos in the sense of ζηλοτυπία, ‘ jealousy in love.’ “What, do you dare open your mouth, you scum of the earth?” said Ion, and Dionysodorus began to give him back his abuse in due form. But the grammarian Histiaeus (simple soul!) said: “Stop, and I will read you a wedding-song,””